it is a new world

The academic year is over. The struggles, the secrets, the lies, the fear, the hiding, the dread, the remorse, the shame...over. Finally. I can't even begin to describe the lightness of heart I have right now!!!

Currently I am attempting to become all about healthy. Mental health, physical health, spiritual health, emotional health. Excercise, diet, small groups, accountability, ministry. I'm the new intern for my church's youth group, and I can so far say that I LOVE it. I absolutely love working with the youth, and I can't wait to get to know these kids better and attempt to excite a passion for Christ in them. (Because right now, there isn't much passion there...) I'm also still doing music team.

Work is going to be crazy for the next month or so. The new spicy chicken sandwich is about to hit the menu, and prices are about to go up -AGAIN - so I'm NOT looking forward to it. And Ricky leaves this week, which SUCKS......

And I'm also planning a recital for my flute student and several others. I'm attempting to learn a few pieces from Handel's Messiah, as well as a couple of other things.

I want to write some more. I want to write this dang novel that I KNOW is buried somewhere in my head.

I want to make new friends. I want to strengthen my relationships with my current ones.

I'd like to go on my first date already as well.......

all my heart, soul, mind, body and strength

I can't believe how awfully I have let myself go. I am ensconced in sin. Trapped. Completely immersed. I am weeping in shame and guilt and remorse and sorrow - tears are dripping from my face, soaking the front of my shirt. I am laid out before God and before my parents, nothing hidden anymore, no more secrets, no more pretending things are okay when they're not. Things have probably never been less okay for me.

I have been lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and stupid this semester. Or actually this year. I'd rather not go into more detail, so suffice it to say that I'm failing a number of classes and am taking at least a year off school after this semester is done. I have let my sin nature get the best of me for far too long. I have sinned so much. This isn't an "issue" I'm having anymore. This is a sin. A sin that has a strong grip on me.

But my Savior's grip is stronger. And I don't know how, I don't know when, but somehow and sometime SOON He will pull me back. Or, I will pull myself back using His strength. He has done all He should; now it's my turn to do what I should.

So much guilt. So much shame. So much remorse. So much hurt.

God deserves so much glory. So much joy. So much praise. I don't know how to reconcile these two issues.

God be merciful to me; on Thy grace I rest my plea.
Plentious in compassion Thou, blot out my transgressions now
Wash me, make me pure within; cleanse, o cleanse me from my sin!

start your day off on the right spoon

Sigh. I hate this. I hate who I've become. I hate the sin and the irrational fear that has taken hold of me. That controls me. That makes me throw up (literally!). I can't break away, and I can't fix it. At least that's what it feels like most of the time. I hate how afraid I am to go to school. I hate how I can't seem to practice enough or be prepared for class. I hate it.

I've actually signed myself up for counseling at school. Counseling. And my parents are totally on my side, too, which is seriously the most amazing thing. Not amazing like I'm surprised, but amazing like wonderful. And I now have every option open for the rest of my college career. I think I'll be taking some time off school next semester, or I might go part-time, or I might go part-time at Brookhaven or Richland. I need some serious help. My mental, emotional and spiritual health are so bad (fortunately my physical health is perfectly all right!). And I can't bring myself to do the things that I know will fix them. I'm stuck in pain and confusion and fear right now. All I can do is distract myself - I haven't been able to really fix anything yet.

And the cherry on top of all this is Kitty. Kitty is dying. Very, very soon. Probably within the next week. My best friend and her sister are losing their mother. Ron is losing his wife. My parents and our church body are losing a very dear friend. I'm losing a second mom. Students are losing a wonderful, loving teacher. However, Heaven is gaining a soul. And Kitty will soon be in no more pain. She will be with God, happy at last. She will be with God in Heaven! It is the most wonderful thing to think how blessed she will be in so few days. No more pain, no more hospital bills, no more tubes and IVs and anguish. Kitty will be with God!!! She will be rejoicing with God for eternity!!! I can't even get my mind wrapped around this at all. And I'm a little worried...I haven't let myself cry hardly at all for this. I'm going to cause a scene if I don't let myself soon. Not that I haven't already caused several scenes, most notably at work...sigh.

And I think I'm back on music team at church again!!! I must say, I missed it!!! I love sitting with John and David and exchanging snippy remarks with them. And this week I have almost no flute music (just lead vocal/piano sheets), so I am just improvising half my playing! It is good stuff. I missed music team. I did NOT miss certain attitudes regarding it...but we'll pray that those go away by Sunday! UGH and speaking of Sunday it's Daylight Savings time!!!!!!!! WE LOSE AN HOUR OF SLEEP!!!!!! So we have to be at church at 8am, which is really 7am...most unfortunate.

Spring break is right around the corner. A wonderful distraction. A road trip to JBU with Rachel and John. Hours at work. Time to rest? Perhaps...

oops I did it again

Lately I have had writer's block in a big way. So this will be a short entry.

It never helps that just about the only time I ever sit down to try to write is after midnight. I am very tired and think about nothing more than going to sleep. Perhaps I should try to write in the morning, or early evening. I have been trying to write a particular story for over a year now. I have the main character and a few basic plot elements in line, but actually fleshing out the story is not working. I wrote about 20 pages, but I don't like it anymore and think it's boring. I want to completely rewrite it, but I can't get started at all. I don't know how the story opens. I don't know whether it's in first person (which it was originally) or third. I don't really even know very much about my main character. At first she played the piano, then she was a student, then she had the most beautiful voice in the world, then this, then that. Her best friend was a mermaid, then it was just another girl who really wasn't a very important character. Will I go with good fairies and bad fairies (yes, it's a fairytale of sorts), arrogant princes or kind ones, tragic elements or no, stuck-up family or loving family or NO family, WHAT? I can't make up my mind at all. It's most upsetting, because I really do have a good premise/plot outline. And nothing will come out of my mind onto paper.

Sigh. Totally new train of thought...it sucks to live in a fallen, broken world. It really brings you down with it sometimes.

And new train of thought...I am so very, very, very, VERY thankful for good friends and wonderful sets of second parents (and actual parents of course!) Right now I'm especially thankful for Briley, Amy, Ian and Gary and Frances. I love you all very very much and am so thankful for you!!!!!!!

first day of school

Today was my first day of school. My schedule this semester is FANTASTIC!!!! Monday and Tuesday, I don't have to be at school until 2:30, I have to be there at one on Wednesday, and Thursday is my only morning class!!! It works out sooooooo well. I just hope I don't flake out again this semester. I'm very worried about that. However, I think the key for me is to talk to people.

Last semester, I didn't tell ANYONE I was having problems of any kind until the end of October, when it was really too late to do anything about anything. I never talked to anyone about school - I'd just nod and say it was fine. And I hardly talked to anyone about anything anyway! I hardly ever saw people. I was so alone last semester. This semester it will be different! I will make an effort to see people and talk to people. I WILL e-mail and text my friends who are out of state, and really talk to them and let them back in. I was so isolated last semester! It was so awful! That CANNOT happen EVER again!!!!!

And my spiritual health must be attended to this semester. Lord, give me the strength to do what I must in that regard. Jesus, fill my mouth again with Your Holy Spirit's breathing, that Your sovereign Word would resonate just like the trumpet's call!

I am really trying to have Proverbs 31 in my mind this semester....all about the wife of noble character. "She is clothed with strength and dignity - she can laugh at the days to come." I want to be able to laugh at the days to come, and be ready for them! I will not flake out this semester!!!!!

comparisons

I received Taylor Swift's first CD (very aptly titled "Taylor Swift") for Christmas. When I unwrapped it, I was very happy because I really like Taylor Swift and her songs. Or so I thought.

Let me first start off with a disclaimer. I very much still like Taylor Swift. I think she is very cute and very sweet, and I do still love a select few of her songs. And I know, I know, this is just a CD, it's not...something more meaningful than a CD?

But when I put her CD into the CD player in my car and started really listening to it, I heard something I wasn't expecting. I heard country bubblegum pop, sugary-sweet music that if you ate it, you would get a cavity immediately. I heard Taylor Swift complaining, longing after things that won't make her happy. In fact, one of her songs is titled "I'm Only Me When I'm With You," which I think is awful! Why can she not be herself when she isn't with this guy? That is very problematic, and not a good thing at all. Taylor Swift spends her whole CD lashing out at guys who broke up with her, and longing after guys who for whatever reason can't see that she is absolutely perfect for them and could make them so very happy and fulfilled!

Examples of lyrics from the CD, "Taylor Swift":

"So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time / as far as I'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn!"

"He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right / I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night"

"Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale, / I'm gonna find someone who might someday treat me well"

Her songs basically all sound the same, and I feel angry and discontent when I listen to them. Which is sad. I wanted to enjoy Taylor Swift's music. I like her voice a lot. But when I compare her CD to, say, Sharon Tedford's.......

Sharon Tedford's CD, "Speak," is one of the best CDs I've ever listened to. Her music is amazing. She wrote, co-wrote, and/or co-arranged every song on there. Her first track is called "There's a Pageant of Triumph and Glory," and it is a song of praise. It praises the triumph and victory of Christ over death, sin and Satan. She goes on to sing "Blessed Assurance," "Amazing Grace," "We Stand and Lift Up Our Hands," and "Great Is Thy Faithfulness," and she somehow makes every single word come straight from her heart. She didn't write the words to those songs, but she proclaims them with every fiber of her being.

And the songs she wrote..."Fix Your Eyes on Jesus," "Freedom," "Speak," "Where Are You, God?", and "What Right Have I?", speak of her incredible love for her Savior, and her realization that there is a world who is desperate to hear the gospel, and she and we must all take it to them. Her songs speak of everything but herself. They speak of humility, of Christ, of mercy, grace, love, suffering, missions, and the importance of putting Christ first.

Examples of lyrics from Sharon Tedford's CD, "Speak,":

"Your truth brings freedom from the shame of sin, freedom from the hurt within, / captivate us, Jesus, and bring us freedom!"

"Gladly with obedience, I will answer You with all I am, / Savior now with readiness, I'll respond by living in Your plan"

"Neighborhoods made up of worlds behind doors, / comparison cripples the young, / differences seem to be something to hide, / there is no warmth anymore. Where are You, God, of the heavens above? / Why do You hide from our pain? / With questions and weeping, I call on You now, / in anguish I beg to be heard. / Your presence is all that I need."

"How I love to hear You speak and feel the comfort of Your blessing, / spending time with God my Savior with His family in His house, / but today I'll choose to remember beyond these walls of worship and over, / there's a world of desperation starving, / dying to be free!"

Every single track of Sharon Tedford's CD has her own personal touch all over it. Every song is carefully crafted as an act of worship to her Savior.

Every track of Taylor Swift's CD sounds the same, speaks of discontent and disappointment, and has a mass-produced, Pottery Barn-esque feel to it.

Which one do you think is currently in my CD player?

24 hours until this terrible, awful, horrible, no-good, very bad semester will be finished. I have one notebook to assemble and one jury to get through (and it will be quite a haul, I'm sure), and then it will be all over. I can't even begin to go into what has happened this semester. Suffice it to say that these 5 weeks off are so very sorely needed.

I haven't even really registered the fact that it's Christmas. I just heard the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year", and it truly is, but I haven't been able to see that at all, with this burden of sin and shame upon my shoulders. I have some wonderfully caring professors for whom I am very thankful and grateful, and in 24 hours, everything will be over. I can begin to truly heal.

I have just been so neglectful this semester of my health. My physical health, emotional health, mental health, and especially my spiritual health. I am very spiritually starved. This makes me extra grateful for BSF and the beautiful Scriptures.

Thank you, Lord, for Your everlasting and healing Word. Let it heal my soul, which is currently so very ill and broken.

JOY TO THE WORLD, THE LORD IS COME!!!!!!!!