all tangled up

"Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a beautiful little kingdom ruled by a good king and a kind and gentle queen..."

...and they always have a beautiful baby girl, who grows to be the most beautiful and graceful princess in the world. Usually she has blonde hair and blue eyes, in which case she is sweet, gentle and graceful, and her suitors are drawn to her perfect manners and pure femininity. If she has brown hair, she is intelligent and witty, and the prince loves her for her brains. If she has red hair, she has a fiery temper and acts independently and impetuously, and the man is there to tame her, in a sense.

More often than not, there is an animal sidekick of some kind, perhaps a loveable horse or a fast-talking squirrel or even a chameleon.

There are always forests. There are always castles (not palaces - castles), and there are usually cottages tucked deep in the woods.

There are usually witches or enchantresses. Witches are evil, but enchantresses are rarely used as anything more than a plot device. Enchantresses merely cast their spells and are then never heard of again in the story. Witches, however, tend to be the main villains of the story. Sometimes they are even members of the protagonist's family in disguise (well, step-family members).

Anything is possible in the world of a fairy tale. No matter what the girl is - if she is a peasant, or a maid, or a shepherdess, or a lady-in-waiting, or the princess herself - she can be transformed into someone worthy of love. Her beauty cannot be hidden by rags or dirt or cinders or whatever she suffers at the hands of others. The prince always gets the princess.

But what happens if the prince and princess never meet? What does the princess do with herself? And honestly, what was she really doing before she met the prince? Take some of the classic Disney princesses.
-Snow White was a slave in her stepmother's castle, but all she did was dream of her prince and sing to her animal friends ("Someday My Prince Will Come").
-Aurora did the same thing - all she did was dream of her prince ("Once Upon a Dream") and sing about her unknown love to her animal friends.
-Cinderella was also a slave to her stepfamily, and she also did a lot of singing to her animal friends about her dreams coming true ("A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes").
-Ariel searched for human things and dreamed endlessly of the human world ("Part Of That World").
Basically all the princess ever does is sing to her animal friends and dream of things that seem far beyond her reach.

And what of the princes themselves? They all seem to know their princesses by the most fleeting glimpses or the faraway sound of their singing voice.
-Snow White's Prince heard her singing and fell in love without so much as a how-do-you-do.
-Prince Philip heard Aurora singing to her animal friends and while they at least finished out the song together, they too never had an actual conversation before Philip was determined to marry her.
-Cinderella's Prince caught a glimpse of her from across an entire ballroom filled with hundreds of beautiful girls, and they fall in love after one dance together, though they are never seen speaking to one another until the stroke of midnight falls and Cinderella runs away.
-Prince Eric falls in love after hearing Ariel's voice singing to him, although he cannot remember her face.

It must be so nice to be a fairytale prince or princess. If you are a prince, you can tell your soulmate merely by the sound of their voice or a glimpse of them working or one waltz. If you're a princess, all you have to do is sing all day long and make sure you show up at every ball, and your prince can't help but find you.

If only it were that simple in the real world. In the real world, you are flawed.
Maybe you can't sing - maybe you can't carry a tune in a bucket.
Maybe you don't get invited to the ball.
Maybe your prince sees you, but never imagines that YOU are his princess.
Maybe instead of being covered in cinders and dirt, you struggle with insecurities or you feel like you can't trust anyone.
Maybe your heart was broken.
Maybe YOU were broken.
Maybe you hide yourself, not wanting your prince to see you in rags, covered in cinders and dirt.

But maybe that's how your prince is supposed to find you.
Maybe your prince is the one who will invite you himself to the ball.
Maybe you will hear his voice and know that he is the one for you.

Maybe you still get to live happily ever after.

what could stand against?

I really, really, really wish I would update this thing more often. I do so have things to say, I just never seem to find the time and the energy to really say them. But I'm going to say something now...I'm just not quite sure what.

Let me start off by saying that I am more convinced than ever of the power of Scripture and the importance of knowing it by heart. "For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." ~Hebrews 4:12, NIV. I have worried that when I tell people to read Scriptures, that they will skim it and not understand it, pretty much unless I am there to help them. But that's just mere pride on my part, and doubt in the power of God's Word. Good heavens, He doesn't need ME to explain His Word!!! Like as not I'd probably just bungle it up and rob it of its power! And it is so important to have His Word in our hearts. "I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against You." ~Psalm 119:11, NIV.

I've been struggling recently with certain amounts of pride. This is MY area of ministry now - thank you, God, SO MUCH for putting me here, but now that I'm here, I've got this, and I'll take it from here! You can go back to fixing someone else's life now! But that is the WRONG attitude to have. I have no doubt that my ministries will cause me to struggle and suffer as much as they will bring me great joy and honor God. And what about my career? I was always going to have some kind of career, and right now I have NOTHING resembling a career at all. And I'm so afraid that any kind of career I can have without a degree will take me away from church. Essentially, I'm pretty sure that even God can't give me both. Even God doesn't have quite enough power or enough knowledge or enough sovereignty to find some kind of career AND allow me to be a youth leader.

WHAT? How can I possibly doubt Him? How can I, when He has given me so much and provided my every need and given me above and beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of? "If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also, along with this, graciously give us all things?" ~Romans 8:32, NIV.

I would just like to give praise and glory to God right now for the relationship I have with my parents. I love my parents more than anything, and I know that I can go to them with anything and they will love me no matter what, and they have supported me through things I did not expect them to, and they make me laugh like none other. I am so grateful for the man that my dad is, and I hope the man I marry will be a lot like him. And I am so grateful for my mom, who is a gentle and loving woman of God, and who does what He asks of her even when she feels what He's asking is too much. And I can't express how grateful I am for the gifts He's allowed my mom and I to share, the gift of music being the best one of all. Making music with my mom is one of the best things I do. I literally hope I never have to move far away from my parents, because I'm not sure I could do it for very long. Only once in my 22 years have I ever gone more than about ten days without seeing them...and I did not care for that. My parents are the best, and I love them so very dearly.

Haha, now that I'm writing I don't want to stop, but it's nearly midnight and I'm pretty tired. Hopefully I can get the creative juices flowing again soon - I'd really, really love to update this blog more often. I also have a new blog, over at my dear old site livejournal.com, and my username is whatrighthavei. Check out that blog sometime too.

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God, You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer
Awesome in power
Our God
Our God

created for a relationship

So yesterday I taught Sunday school for the very first time. Ever. Like...ever in my life. For anyone. (Ever.) I taught it for the high school students in youth group. And let me tell you, I have never been more scared of public speaking than I was then. I literally broke into a cold sweat, barely kept myself from hyperventilating, and at one point seriously considered running outside to vomit. (This was all before I actually got up onto the stage...and yes I did teach from on a stage. That didn't help with the nerves much...)

BUT somehow I held it together, and of course the moment I got onstage the nerves all fled and I was totally fine, relaxed and comfortable. Well, as relaxed and comfortable as I could be with a bunch of high schoolers, my youth pastor, and 3 parents in there listening to me.

And I proceeded to talk about the fact that God created us to be in a relationshp with Him. He created us in His image and in His likeness, and this gives us intrinsic worth and a unique position and purpose among creation. God values us and loves us because of His image within us. Our purpose in life is to glorify Him and spread His glory among others through the way we live our lives. So if you've ever reached a point in your life where you have no idea what your purpose is and what you're supposed to do with your life, do NOT despair!!! God created you with a purpose and while you may not know your specific purpose for the specific period of time, your overall purpose is always solidly in place - glorify God and spread His glory to others!

All in all - I loved teaching. And I can't wait to do it again. Teaching is definitely a purpose of mine.

is the grass really greener on the other side?

Storm

When the darkness closes in
You are the Light to guide me
When the cold pierces my skin
You are the Fire to warm me

Whenever a storm surrounds me
I find You there

I hear You in the thunder
I taste You in the rain
I see You in the lightning
I feel You in the wind
I feel You in the wind

When the rain is crashing down
You are the Shelter over me
When there's no one else around
You are the Friend to comfort me

Whenever a storm surrounds me
I find You there

I hear You in the thunder
I taste You in the rain
I see You in the lightning
I feel You in the wind
I feel You in the wind


Broken

Repentance must be real
Sorrow, sorrow must be great
Heartache must be felt
For these worldly chains to break
Oh

When were you ever worthy?
When are we ever worthy?
When were you ever worthy?
Oh, precious child of Mine!

Forgiveness is not far away
My hand is upon you
Darkness cannot sustain
Healing in My shadow
Oh

When were you ever worthy?
When are we ever worthy?
When were you ever worthy?
Oh, precious child of Mine!
Don't you know
I've kept you close
All along
All along

Oh, precious child of Mine!
Don't you know
I've kept you close
All along
All along
Pick up your cross and follow Me

Thank you, Ashley Jones, for awesome music and awesome lyrics. I needed to hear both of these songs tonight.

It's one of those periods in life where I feel trapped in limbo again. I feel like I'm freefalling, where I can do things but really, they don't matter and they don't make much of a difference. I feel somewhat judged. I feel extremely undervalued. I feel weird. Sometimes I even feel like a phony. But I'm not. I'm real. Christ is real. His love and His truth are real. And His joy is real too. And I praise God for that.

Little shoutout to a friend...thanks for your encouragement, and I hope that somehow you can be aware of how much I care for you.

the points don't matter

Something I've noticed.........if you ever want to know how I'm doing, just check out the little box just below my facebook profile picture. It will tell you everything you need to know.

The text in March 2010:
Where are You, God of the heavens above?
Why do You hide from our pain?
With questions and weeping I call on You now
In anguish I beg to be heard
Your presence is all that I need

In May 2010:
I will trust in the One who's established His might
The Servant who's reigning on high
Whose unfailing mercy is solid and clear
I patiently wait here in peace
His presence is all that I need

In June and July 2010:
Christ's is the world in which we move
Christ's are the folk we're summoned to love
Christ's is the voice which calls us to care
and Christ is the One who meets us here

In August 2010:
Your truth brings freedom from the shame of sin
Freedom from the hurt within
Captivate us, Jesus, and bring us freedom!
Free to hope and free to love
Free to serve a needy world
Use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives
Set free!

In September 2010:
Whenever a storm surrounds me
I find You there


If you know anything about what my life has been this past year, you can see a definite trend and you know exactly what I'm talking about......I just thought that was interesting!

I REALLY want to see Easy A, The Tourist, The Social Network, Due Date, and the new Harry Potter movie. Can't even wait.

I also just bought my tickets to Detroit and Chicago!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooo freakin excited, I've never been to either place!!!!!!!!! And I get to see Grace and Rachel and hopefully Jenny, and meet all their cool friends and see lots of awesome places. I'm so. freakin. excited.

well at least I'm gonna say that I tried

I'm just as bad as what I'm trying not to be like.

I'm thinking only of me.

I'm seriously thinking only of me.

I don't want to. I want to think of others. I want to think of the Lord. I want to think not of myself.

And yet I can't seem to stop. Because obviously, I enjoy the attention focused on me. I enjoy being the cool one, the one who knows everything, the one who is cool no matter what. Nobody can inflict a social status on me. I am always above it.

Yet I still make mistakes. I still do things I know I shouldn't. I still feel sick sometimes thinking about what I ought to be doing. I ought to be pointing attention away from me and onto Christ. I ought to risk relationships for Him. I ought to risk my newfound automatic popularity for Him. I ought to be willing to be thought uncool for Him. And I'm so not. I'm just so not.

It's the dumbest thing, really. I'm just so self-focused right now. And when I think about the pain that I was in this past year, from February to May, and what my life is like now, it's two different people. I remember going to bed thinking, "Okay, I have eight whole hours in which I cannot be hurt." I would count each minute precious if I did not have to feel the pain. And I have not felt that pain since May. The summer was wonderful. I was refreshed, relaxed, happy, and pain-free. And I'm about to start feeling pain again, if I stay self-focused much longer.

I need BSF!!!!!! Stupid work getting in the way of it!!!!!!!!!! I also need friends who are my age and who live roughly in the same city as me...

I need Scripture. I need Christ to fill me. To saturate me. To fill me with a desire for Him. To fill me with His love, His light, His work for me.

There's a broken world
Burdened by the weight of wrong
Living in the dark
Fear has ruled their lives for so long
Unaware of liberty
Souls continue aimlessly
Poisoned by the lies
"The truth is what you want it to be
You can choose your God
The center of this life is me"
Father, give us courage
To open up our hearts and speak of

Your freedom from the shame of sin
Freedom from the hurt within
Captivate us, Jesus, and bring us freedom!
Free to hope and free to love
Free to serve a needy world
Use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives
Set free!

if the points were cheerleaders, they'd be guy cheerleaders

I seriously wish I would update this thing more often. I really do have so much I'd like to write about. But I find myself worrying more and more that people will see this and make assumptions about me that are wrong, or read things that I've written and be offended or misinterpret what I'm saying. I'm not sure why I worry about that...I highly doubt anyone reads this. But still...

So I'm just gonna say this...I'm looking for a new job. I am so sick of working at Chick-fil-A. I've worked there for five years, and I am DONE. Last Saturday was one of the worst days EVER, and exemplified almost every reason I hate working there. Today, though, I enjoyed myself and had a good time with all my work peeps. Still...I'm done. I'm just done there. So I am, I am, I AM going to apply at other places THIS WEEK!!!!!!!! I'm starting with Barnes and Noble, and there's a little cafe near my house that I'm also applying at. We'll see what happens with those places...although of course as soon as I quit at CFA, Sal and Connor will both start working there. Figures.

It's time for me to start working out again. I'm noticing a strange trend between my workouts and my relationship with God. It was stronger when I was working out, and now that I've stopped, it's more distant than it was. That isn't okay. I want to be in constant fellowship with Christ, I want to know Him more and more and in a really REAL way. I want to have the relationship with Him that I want my youth group kids to have with Him. I want to be an example for them.

And may I just take this opportunity to say that I LOVE my youth group kids. Despite all their drama, I love them to bits already. I'm SO excited about this fall with them! It's going to be great!!!!!

BSF starts in two weeks, and the study is the new Isaiah one. I need BSF desperately, both for the way it brings Scripture to life and allows me to apply it to my everyday life, and for the chance to be with people my own age!!! Now that all my friends are gone to school....seriously, I have nobody except Briley left in Dallas!!!!! It's totally ridiculous.

Okay, I have to go to bed. I'm yawning my head off, and it's almost one am. I have to get up early and get my car inspected anyway.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:2