I just bought a new Jodi Picoult book - Change of Heart - and first of all, anytime I read any of her books, it makes me ache inside. The profundity of her statements, however minute or trivial, or devastatingly heartwrenching, is something I can only dream to achieve in my own writing. But her statements about God - and I try to remind myself it’s merely her fictional characters thinking these things - make me writhe inside. Her world is so many thousands of shades of gray, and while she’s often quite possibly correct, her views on religion and God are just twisted enough that I can’t stand it. Her view of religion is restricted to Roman Catholicism, and people who go through the motions but don’t live the life they hear preached to them every Sunday (or holiday they choose to attend) at Mass. Priests who are closeted pedophiles, or murderers, or drunks, or at best pompous windbags who can whip out the names of all the saints in one breath but who don’t even notice the brokenness of the people they meet in confession. These are people who have been wounded, who have given up on the idea of a God because they don’t understand how He could allow the suffering that they have endured and still call Himself a just, loving and merciful God. People who believe that God does not understand what He’s asked them to endure, that God hasn’t had the exact same temptations and limitations, that He hasn’t had to watch His Son die, too. People who take justice and judgment into their own hands because God's version just isn't working for them. I want to write a book that tells of who Christ is, and who we are. I want to do that with the same profundity as Jodi Picoult - and I'm working on it.
I want to write of broken people who in their brokenness reach out to God and find Him.
I want to write of people who find their strength in Him, who soar on eagles' wings and run without growing weary.
I want to write of people who humble themselves and find joy and give thanks in all circumstances.
I want to write of people who forgive others the way Christ forgave them.
And yet I want it to be real.
I want my characters to be flawed. I want them to be broken. I want them to screw up. I want them to be sinners.
It's being written. It is. And soon part of it will be posted....
Monday, January 16, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
so far we are so close
A passage from my favorite Jodi Picoult book, The Pact.
"What bothers you the most?"
Chris fell silent. It wasn't that he was not being taken at his word; if the situation had been reversed, he too might have his doubts. It wasn't even that everyone in the whole goddamned school was treating him like he'd grown six heads overnight. It was that, having seen him with Emily, they could believe he would ever willingly hurt her.
"I loved her," he said, his voice breaking. "I can't forget that. So I don't see why everyone else can."
Dr. Feinstein motioned again toward the wing chair; Chris sank into it. He watched the tiny cogs inside the tape recorder chug in slow circles. "Would you tell me about Emily?" the psychiatrist asked.
Chris closed his eyes. How could he convey to someone who'd never even met her the way she always smelled like rain, or how his stomach knotted up every time he saw her shake loose her hair from its braid? How could he describe how it felt when she finished his sentences, turned the mug they were sharing so that her mouth landed where his had been? How did he explain the way they could be in a locker room, or underwater, or in the piney woods of Maine, but as long as Em was with him, he was at home?
"She belonged to me," Chris said simply.
Dr. Feinstein's eyebrows lifted. "What do you mean by that?"
"She was, you know, all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't. She could paint circles around anyone; I can't even draw a straight line. She was never into sports; I've always been." Chris lifted his outstretched palm and curled his fingers. "Her hand," he said. "It fit mine."
"Go on," Dr. Feinstein said, encouraging.
"Well, I mean, we weren't always going out. That was pretty recent, a couple of years. But I've known her forever." He laughed suddenly. "She said my name before anything else. She used to call me Kiss. And then when she learned the word kiss for real, she'd get it all confused and look at me and smack her lips." He looked up. "I don't remember that, exactly. My mom told me."
"How old were you when you met Emily?"
"Six months, I guess," Chris said. "The day she was born." He leaned forward, considering. "We used to play together every afternoon. I mean, she lived right next door and our moms would hang all the time, so it was a natural."
"When did you start going out?"
Chris frowned. "I don't know the day, exactly. Em would. It just sort of evolved. Everyone figured it was going to happen, so it wasn't much of a surprise. One day I kind of looked at her and I didn't just see Em, I saw this really beautiful girl. And, well...you know."
"Were you intimate?"
Chris felt heat crawling up from the collar of his shirt. This was an area he did not want to discuss. "Do I have to tell you if I don't want to?"
"You don't have to tell me anything at all," Dr. Feinstein said.
"Well," Chris said. "I don't want to."
"But you loved her."
"Yes," Chris answered.
"And she was your first girlfriend."
"Well, pretty much, yeah."
"So how do you know?" Dr. Feinstein asked. "How do you know that it was love?"
The way he asked was not mean or confrontational. He was just sort of wondering. If Feinstein had been bitter, or direct, like that bitch detective, Chris would have clammed up immediately. But as it stood, it was a good and valid question. "There was an attraction," he said carefully, "but it was more than that." He chewed on his lower lip for a second. "Once, we broke up for a while. I started hanging around with this girl who I'd always thought was really hot, this cheerleader named Donna. I was like, totally infatuated with Donna, maybe even when I was still together with Em. Anyway, we started going out places and fooling around a little and every time I was with Donna I realized I didn't know her too well. I'd hyped her up in my head to be so much more than what she really was." Chris took a deep breath. "When Em and I got back together, I could see that she had never been less than what I'd figured her to be. If anything, she was always better than I remembered. And that's what I think love is," Chris said quietly. "When your hindsight's twenty-twenty, and you still wouldn't change a thing."
I love this book. I desperately want my book to be something close to as good as this. Oh, if only I could write. If only my characters would come alive, if only my story line would form, if only I had time and energy and brain cells to write the novel that is in my head, waiting to be put down on paper. It will happen. It will! It must. Sometime soon I will post an excerpt from my own book.....
"What bothers you the most?"
Chris fell silent. It wasn't that he was not being taken at his word; if the situation had been reversed, he too might have his doubts. It wasn't even that everyone in the whole goddamned school was treating him like he'd grown six heads overnight. It was that, having seen him with Emily, they could believe he would ever willingly hurt her.
"I loved her," he said, his voice breaking. "I can't forget that. So I don't see why everyone else can."
Dr. Feinstein motioned again toward the wing chair; Chris sank into it. He watched the tiny cogs inside the tape recorder chug in slow circles. "Would you tell me about Emily?" the psychiatrist asked.
Chris closed his eyes. How could he convey to someone who'd never even met her the way she always smelled like rain, or how his stomach knotted up every time he saw her shake loose her hair from its braid? How could he describe how it felt when she finished his sentences, turned the mug they were sharing so that her mouth landed where his had been? How did he explain the way they could be in a locker room, or underwater, or in the piney woods of Maine, but as long as Em was with him, he was at home?
"She belonged to me," Chris said simply.
Dr. Feinstein's eyebrows lifted. "What do you mean by that?"
"She was, you know, all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't. She could paint circles around anyone; I can't even draw a straight line. She was never into sports; I've always been." Chris lifted his outstretched palm and curled his fingers. "Her hand," he said. "It fit mine."
"Go on," Dr. Feinstein said, encouraging.
"Well, I mean, we weren't always going out. That was pretty recent, a couple of years. But I've known her forever." He laughed suddenly. "She said my name before anything else. She used to call me Kiss. And then when she learned the word kiss for real, she'd get it all confused and look at me and smack her lips." He looked up. "I don't remember that, exactly. My mom told me."
"How old were you when you met Emily?"
"Six months, I guess," Chris said. "The day she was born." He leaned forward, considering. "We used to play together every afternoon. I mean, she lived right next door and our moms would hang all the time, so it was a natural."
"When did you start going out?"
Chris frowned. "I don't know the day, exactly. Em would. It just sort of evolved. Everyone figured it was going to happen, so it wasn't much of a surprise. One day I kind of looked at her and I didn't just see Em, I saw this really beautiful girl. And, well...you know."
"Were you intimate?"
Chris felt heat crawling up from the collar of his shirt. This was an area he did not want to discuss. "Do I have to tell you if I don't want to?"
"You don't have to tell me anything at all," Dr. Feinstein said.
"Well," Chris said. "I don't want to."
"But you loved her."
"Yes," Chris answered.
"And she was your first girlfriend."
"Well, pretty much, yeah."
"So how do you know?" Dr. Feinstein asked. "How do you know that it was love?"
The way he asked was not mean or confrontational. He was just sort of wondering. If Feinstein had been bitter, or direct, like that bitch detective, Chris would have clammed up immediately. But as it stood, it was a good and valid question. "There was an attraction," he said carefully, "but it was more than that." He chewed on his lower lip for a second. "Once, we broke up for a while. I started hanging around with this girl who I'd always thought was really hot, this cheerleader named Donna. I was like, totally infatuated with Donna, maybe even when I was still together with Em. Anyway, we started going out places and fooling around a little and every time I was with Donna I realized I didn't know her too well. I'd hyped her up in my head to be so much more than what she really was." Chris took a deep breath. "When Em and I got back together, I could see that she had never been less than what I'd figured her to be. If anything, she was always better than I remembered. And that's what I think love is," Chris said quietly. "When your hindsight's twenty-twenty, and you still wouldn't change a thing."
I love this book. I desperately want my book to be something close to as good as this. Oh, if only I could write. If only my characters would come alive, if only my story line would form, if only I had time and energy and brain cells to write the novel that is in my head, waiting to be put down on paper. It will happen. It will! It must. Sometime soon I will post an excerpt from my own book.....
Monday, November 28, 2011
every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven
CONFESSIONS
I was inspired by another blogger to write a blog post of confessions. Confessions about me, my life, things that I have done/am currently doing, lest anyone be fooled into thinking my life is perfect, I am perfect, I have it all together, or I can do anything. (Which, if you think that, you've obviously never read the rest of my blog...)
1. I am 23 years old and I still live with my parents.
My parents are wonderful people and have allowed me to live with them all this time, rent-free, and I barely do anything to help out around the house. I never do the dishes (although to be fair, my dad is the only one who can really do them well at all). I never vacuum unless asked to. I rarely cook (although that's not really my fault, I'm NEVER home during dinner). I really feel ashamed of myself that I never do anything around the house, but my parents either beat me to the chores or do them so much better that I don't even bother. We'll see if I can get better at this.
2. I have been in BSF my entire life and have yet to do my lesson one section every day, as it's meant to be.
I usually do my lesson split between two days, or else all in one sitting. And I almost always do my Homiletics on Tuesday afternoons before leaders' meeting. Monday and Tuesday are my big homework days. I would LOVE to do my lesson one day at a time, as it's meant to be, but something always gets in the way or more often than not I just forget. And I'm a BSF leader. Yikes...another thing I'd love to get better at!
3. My books are organized alphabetically by author's last name, and my DVDs are organized alphabetically by title...and there ends any and all organization in my room.
I'm very right-brained and like to have my stuff out where I can see it. This drives the left section of my brain CRAZY and I get desperate to have my stuff put away. The result is that my stuff often gets thrown onto the red chair next to my bookcase. Books, DVDs and clothes get piled high on that chair. Every so often I'll put it all away, but without fail another pile will gather, seemingly within minutes. I hate the two parts of my brain that constantly fight with each other on how my room ends up - I LOVE the way it looks when it's clean and everything is put away, but then I hate that I can't see all my stuff, so when I get it out again I don't put it back! It's a very vicious cycle.
4. I am a musician and I desperately want my degree in music education, but I hate practicing and I hate school.
Practicing any instrument is not something I enjoy. It's tedious work, which I don't like, and it's physically painful, which I don't tolerate very well, and often practice sessions feel very unsuccessful, which I can't stand. And I don't like school, because it always gets in the way of other things I want to do. It eats up most of my time and keeps me from being able to spend time with my friends, which I resent. Yet my ultimate life goal is to be a music teacher and spend my days in school teaching students the joy of music and the beauty of being able to express yourself that way. Such a paradox.
5. I love to write, I have an obvious talent for it, and there IS a novel sitting inside my head waiting to be written, but it's been over three months since I've written anything other than blog posts.
I LOVE writing. The English language is hilarious, ridiculous, stupid, beautiful, and I love words and sentence structure. I love using word pictures, and I love describing people and the world and situations with words. I love the profound truths one learns through well-written novels. I love character development and plot twists and emotions and some descriptions. I love writing styles. And I have a novel in mind, part of a plot, a number of characters, and yet I cannot find the time or ability to write anything. This novel desperately needs to get written, and I simply will not make the time to write anything.
6. If I have any extra money, I will most likely spend it on either food, books, DVDs or jewelry.
I heart food. Chipotle, Canes, and Corner Bakery are my current places of choice. And few things are better than going into Half Price Books empty handed and coming back out with a new stack of books and DVDs. Despite the fact that I really need two or three new pairs of shoes, two or three new pairs of pants, and a couple of other practical items of clothing, I will rarely spend my money on those things. I so much prefer accessories and books and DVDs. I have so many books and I love them all, far more than my clothes...
7. My pair of shoes for work make my feet smell terrible, and every day when I come home from work I have to soak my feet in vodka to get rid of the odor.
This pretty much speaks for itself. I've only just discovered the magic of how well vodka removes foot odor, but it really, truly works! Just a couple splashes of vodka in a bucket/foot bath for five to ten minutes will get rid of foot odor. Rinse the vodka off your feet in the tub and you'll be good to go! Of course, your feet will smell ever so slightly of vodka when you're done, but I much prefer that to the dreadful odor of stinky feet. Rub a little lotion on them to get rid of the vodka smell and to help moisturize them.
8. I keep a supply of M&Ms in my room for insurance.
I have a little candy jar that I keep them in, and I love it. I love M&Ms. Pretzel M&Ms are my favorite candy EVER, and I have a bag of those waiting to go in the candy jar next. And basically if you can't think of any reasons a woman would keep a candy jar of M&Ms in her room, then I have nothing to say to you.
Well, that's about all the confessions I have time for. Hopefully you've learned a little something about me, life, the universe, and other such things. More confessions to come at some point in life!
I was inspired by another blogger to write a blog post of confessions. Confessions about me, my life, things that I have done/am currently doing, lest anyone be fooled into thinking my life is perfect, I am perfect, I have it all together, or I can do anything. (Which, if you think that, you've obviously never read the rest of my blog...)
1. I am 23 years old and I still live with my parents.
My parents are wonderful people and have allowed me to live with them all this time, rent-free, and I barely do anything to help out around the house. I never do the dishes (although to be fair, my dad is the only one who can really do them well at all). I never vacuum unless asked to. I rarely cook (although that's not really my fault, I'm NEVER home during dinner). I really feel ashamed of myself that I never do anything around the house, but my parents either beat me to the chores or do them so much better that I don't even bother. We'll see if I can get better at this.
2. I have been in BSF my entire life and have yet to do my lesson one section every day, as it's meant to be.
I usually do my lesson split between two days, or else all in one sitting. And I almost always do my Homiletics on Tuesday afternoons before leaders' meeting. Monday and Tuesday are my big homework days. I would LOVE to do my lesson one day at a time, as it's meant to be, but something always gets in the way or more often than not I just forget. And I'm a BSF leader. Yikes...another thing I'd love to get better at!
3. My books are organized alphabetically by author's last name, and my DVDs are organized alphabetically by title...and there ends any and all organization in my room.
I'm very right-brained and like to have my stuff out where I can see it. This drives the left section of my brain CRAZY and I get desperate to have my stuff put away. The result is that my stuff often gets thrown onto the red chair next to my bookcase. Books, DVDs and clothes get piled high on that chair. Every so often I'll put it all away, but without fail another pile will gather, seemingly within minutes. I hate the two parts of my brain that constantly fight with each other on how my room ends up - I LOVE the way it looks when it's clean and everything is put away, but then I hate that I can't see all my stuff, so when I get it out again I don't put it back! It's a very vicious cycle.
4. I am a musician and I desperately want my degree in music education, but I hate practicing and I hate school.
Practicing any instrument is not something I enjoy. It's tedious work, which I don't like, and it's physically painful, which I don't tolerate very well, and often practice sessions feel very unsuccessful, which I can't stand. And I don't like school, because it always gets in the way of other things I want to do. It eats up most of my time and keeps me from being able to spend time with my friends, which I resent. Yet my ultimate life goal is to be a music teacher and spend my days in school teaching students the joy of music and the beauty of being able to express yourself that way. Such a paradox.
5. I love to write, I have an obvious talent for it, and there IS a novel sitting inside my head waiting to be written, but it's been over three months since I've written anything other than blog posts.
I LOVE writing. The English language is hilarious, ridiculous, stupid, beautiful, and I love words and sentence structure. I love using word pictures, and I love describing people and the world and situations with words. I love the profound truths one learns through well-written novels. I love character development and plot twists and emotions and some descriptions. I love writing styles. And I have a novel in mind, part of a plot, a number of characters, and yet I cannot find the time or ability to write anything. This novel desperately needs to get written, and I simply will not make the time to write anything.
6. If I have any extra money, I will most likely spend it on either food, books, DVDs or jewelry.
I heart food. Chipotle, Canes, and Corner Bakery are my current places of choice. And few things are better than going into Half Price Books empty handed and coming back out with a new stack of books and DVDs. Despite the fact that I really need two or three new pairs of shoes, two or three new pairs of pants, and a couple of other practical items of clothing, I will rarely spend my money on those things. I so much prefer accessories and books and DVDs. I have so many books and I love them all, far more than my clothes...
7. My pair of shoes for work make my feet smell terrible, and every day when I come home from work I have to soak my feet in vodka to get rid of the odor.
This pretty much speaks for itself. I've only just discovered the magic of how well vodka removes foot odor, but it really, truly works! Just a couple splashes of vodka in a bucket/foot bath for five to ten minutes will get rid of foot odor. Rinse the vodka off your feet in the tub and you'll be good to go! Of course, your feet will smell ever so slightly of vodka when you're done, but I much prefer that to the dreadful odor of stinky feet. Rub a little lotion on them to get rid of the vodka smell and to help moisturize them.
8. I keep a supply of M&Ms in my room for insurance.
I have a little candy jar that I keep them in, and I love it. I love M&Ms. Pretzel M&Ms are my favorite candy EVER, and I have a bag of those waiting to go in the candy jar next. And basically if you can't think of any reasons a woman would keep a candy jar of M&Ms in her room, then I have nothing to say to you.
Well, that's about all the confessions I have time for. Hopefully you've learned a little something about me, life, the universe, and other such things. More confessions to come at some point in life!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I'll be there for you like I've been there before
I'm so tired. I'm so tired it's unreal. I feel very drained, partially because I STILL have not caught up on my sleep since Saturday. And tonight I got my PIU schedule, and there's no telling when my next day off will be. Work, BSF and youth group are taking over my life! And I'm so tired! I'M SO TIRED! This sounds a little whiny, but I just feel so much like a dishrag. So many responsibilities, so many committments, so much giving, not enough rest - and I feel so drained. So drained.
Enter Christ, His love, and the immeasurable riches of His grace. I'm not drained. I can give to others from the immeasurable store of His grace that I have. I can share His love with others because the Holy Spirit makes me able. Everything - EVERYTHING - comes back to Christ. The entire message of the Bible, I'm realizing, is so very, very simple. It always, always, always points back to Christ and what He did on the cross. That is the ultimate way in which God is brought glory - nothing else could have glorified Him so much. He loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us, so that we didn't have to! We don't have to die! We can live with God FOREVER!
I already feel better.
Friend shoutout - it's insane how much you've done for me. I really can't understand how I've believed the enemy's lies for so long, and you're the first one who's managed to open my eyes to the truth. God knows how to knit together friendships, and I couldn't be more thankful that He knit ours together as He has! I only hope I can be as much of a blessing and encouragement to you as you are to me.
Enter Christ, His love, and the immeasurable riches of His grace. I'm not drained. I can give to others from the immeasurable store of His grace that I have. I can share His love with others because the Holy Spirit makes me able. Everything - EVERYTHING - comes back to Christ. The entire message of the Bible, I'm realizing, is so very, very simple. It always, always, always points back to Christ and what He did on the cross. That is the ultimate way in which God is brought glory - nothing else could have glorified Him so much. He loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us, so that we didn't have to! We don't have to die! We can live with God FOREVER!
I already feel better.
Friend shoutout - it's insane how much you've done for me. I really can't understand how I've believed the enemy's lies for so long, and you're the first one who's managed to open my eyes to the truth. God knows how to knit together friendships, and I couldn't be more thankful that He knit ours together as He has! I only hope I can be as much of a blessing and encouragement to you as you are to me.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
every time we say goodbye, I die a little...
HUHUHUHUHUH I hate saying goodbye! I hate it! I had to say goodbye to Sam today - he's going back to England for the rest of the school year. I already have a thousand things to tell him....such as - I finished Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult, and on the second to last page, the final piece of information delivered rendered me speechless, gasping at the brilliance of her writing and the depth of the issues that she fearlessly tackles. I bought Date Night on DVD, and I'm not sure it gets any better than Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco and Mila Kunis all in one movie. I saw the new Breaking Dawn trailer, and it looks absolutely breathtaking, despite the horrifically terrible excuse for writing that has made Stephenie Meyer a multi-millionaire. Tonight was my first BSF leaders' meeting, and I'm so, so, SO excited for Thursday!!!! God has already taught me so much through being a leader, and class hasn't even started yet! The spiritual discipline that I'm going to have to learn is going to be incredible. Absolutely incredible. The spiritual warfare that I'm going to have to endure is going to be insane.
I have to make nametags for my whole group, and I think I'm going to take this opportunity to unleash the tiniest bit of my creative side to do it. I'm going to get some plain notecards, write the information in calligraphy type handwriting, and maybe doodle some sort of border or something on there before I get them laminated. I'm excited! I love the idea of arts and crafts but I'm really, really bad at actually DOING them, so this will be good for me, and it will give me something to actually DO with my time...
And now I just want to praise God for how much He has done for me! All I have needed, His hand has provided. He's always faithful, always! And I cannot, cannot live as though He's going to take away the blessings He's given me. That is so, so wrong of me. He knows what I can and cannot bear, and won't ask me to do something that I can't do. I'm so afraid of so many things, but I need to be patient. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Worrying is ungodly. Worrying is pointless, useless. He will provide everything I need: the counseling, the help, the solution, the money, the house, the roommate, the classes, the instruments. Everything I need, He will provide in His perfect way. I know this. I truly know this and believe it with all my heart. Why is it so easy to forget something I know beyond the shadow of a doubt is true??
I need to write my book. I need to write my book! AHHHHH SO MANY IDEAS, SO LITTLE ABILITY TO GET IT WRITTEN DOWN AT ALL...
Random closing thought: every time I go to Barnes&Noble I think about how much I want the black journal with the ruby slippers on the front. And I wonder when I'll get to buy it.
I have to make nametags for my whole group, and I think I'm going to take this opportunity to unleash the tiniest bit of my creative side to do it. I'm going to get some plain notecards, write the information in calligraphy type handwriting, and maybe doodle some sort of border or something on there before I get them laminated. I'm excited! I love the idea of arts and crafts but I'm really, really bad at actually DOING them, so this will be good for me, and it will give me something to actually DO with my time...
And now I just want to praise God for how much He has done for me! All I have needed, His hand has provided. He's always faithful, always! And I cannot, cannot live as though He's going to take away the blessings He's given me. That is so, so wrong of me. He knows what I can and cannot bear, and won't ask me to do something that I can't do. I'm so afraid of so many things, but I need to be patient. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Worrying is ungodly. Worrying is pointless, useless. He will provide everything I need: the counseling, the help, the solution, the money, the house, the roommate, the classes, the instruments. Everything I need, He will provide in His perfect way. I know this. I truly know this and believe it with all my heart. Why is it so easy to forget something I know beyond the shadow of a doubt is true??
I need to write my book. I need to write my book! AHHHHH SO MANY IDEAS, SO LITTLE ABILITY TO GET IT WRITTEN DOWN AT ALL...
Random closing thought: every time I go to Barnes&Noble I think about how much I want the black journal with the ruby slippers on the front. And I wonder when I'll get to buy it.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
Well, full-time employment is not something I'm very good at. Tutti Frutti is bust. The owners are not good people for whom to work, so I quit. Too bad it took me an entire week to figure that out, but hey, I'm gone, and I never have to go back. Who can even say what will happen now? I'm not very concerned about it right now. There'll be something. God will provide all the money I need. I'll be fine.
And He will also provide me the ability to be a good BSF leader...I just got the first of many e-mails about it, giving me my discussion group contact info, and I am taking deep breaths and prepping myself to begin making the 13 phone calls I need to make. Yes, I have 13 women in my group, and all but three of them are over 30. I am leading a group of women who are all 6-12 years older than me! What have I gotten myself into?? I'm feeling soooooo incapable of doing this, of leading this group of women, but yet I am the one doing it because God has called me to. And His strength will be made evident through my weaknesses. Tomorrow I begin the phone calls and the questions. And tomorrow I begin to practice the music for workshop and leader's meeting...something I feel slightly more comfortable doing. :)
My friends are amazing. I'm so blessed to have so many friends who are truly closer than a brother. So blessed.
Little shoutout to one friend in particular - I'm so glad you're my friend. So glad. I love you more than I can say, and hope that somehow you can be aware of how much I care for you. And if you need anything, I'm here! I can't think of very many things I wouldn't be willing to do for you.
And He will also provide me the ability to be a good BSF leader...I just got the first of many e-mails about it, giving me my discussion group contact info, and I am taking deep breaths and prepping myself to begin making the 13 phone calls I need to make. Yes, I have 13 women in my group, and all but three of them are over 30. I am leading a group of women who are all 6-12 years older than me! What have I gotten myself into?? I'm feeling soooooo incapable of doing this, of leading this group of women, but yet I am the one doing it because God has called me to. And His strength will be made evident through my weaknesses. Tomorrow I begin the phone calls and the questions. And tomorrow I begin to practice the music for workshop and leader's meeting...something I feel slightly more comfortable doing. :)
My friends are amazing. I'm so blessed to have so many friends who are truly closer than a brother. So blessed.
Little shoutout to one friend in particular - I'm so glad you're my friend. So glad. I love you more than I can say, and hope that somehow you can be aware of how much I care for you. And if you need anything, I'm here! I can't think of very many things I wouldn't be willing to do for you.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
I have once again entered the world of food service. Only this time, it's all one thing: FROZEN YOGURT!!! That's right - I now work at Tutti Frutti. I like it a lot. I forgot how much I love customer service, plus there's something about peeling and cutting fruit that is really soothing. It makes one feel productive, I think. Tutti Frutti is very different from Chick-fil-A, though - it's MUCH less official for one thing, much less busy, and there are so many fewer employees! But hey, it's a job, it's hours, and while it's basically minimum wage, it's still money, plus tips! God has a way of providing exactly what is needed. It's a great schedule, plus I can still work a couple shifts a week at Pump it Up, and yet I don't have to be at work all the time like I was at CFA. I can still keep my commitments to BSF and youth group - which is really all I need from a job.
So come see me at Tutti Frutti sometime! Seriously.
In other news, I have just gotten over two days of sore throat and fever that I literally brought upon myself by stressing too much. It's so interesting that stress physically manifests itself in me that way. Two days of sore throat and fever that jumped 4 degrees in 3 hours! It burned out at 102.2, after I took 8.5 pills to try to break it and enable myself to sleep...I really cannot be stressed about anything anymore. I cannot stand being sick. Plus, I need to just give it all to God. I can't allow these things to control me like this. I have tried, believe me I have, to let God bear the burden, to let Him do what He knows is best, to give Him what is already His that I've tried to take away...but clearly I needed a little jolt to really mean it.
I've just started reading Radical Together by David Platt. Never having read Radical, I'm not sure what will come from reading the follow-up first. But already I've been very convicted and encouraged by something he's said. I've been very concerned about my ministry in the youth group - not that I shouldn't be there or that I'm doing something absolutely wrong, but that I'm not having quite the effect I ought to. Here's some wisdom from David Platt:
"As Christians today, you and I can easily deceive ourselves into thinking that dedication to church programs automatically equals devotion to kingdom purposes. We can fill our lives and our churches with good things requiring our resources and good activities demanding our attention that are not ultimately best for the enjoyment of the gospel in our churches and the spread of the gospel in our communities.
We must be willing to sacrifice good things in the church in order to experience the great things of God."
He goes on to conclude: "The gospel compels the church to go to God with everything we have and everything we do and then ask, "What needs to go? What needs to change? What needs to stay the same?"
And then wait for God to answer."
This is really speaking to me. This issue has been on my heart for months. I feel like I'm doing good things in the church and not really spreading the gospel in the way Christ has called me to do. But I'm not sure how to deal with this. I'm still waiting for God to answer. We shall see what He says in the next few weeks! I'm literally so pumped for youth group and BSF to start! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!
So come see me at Tutti Frutti sometime! Seriously.
In other news, I have just gotten over two days of sore throat and fever that I literally brought upon myself by stressing too much. It's so interesting that stress physically manifests itself in me that way. Two days of sore throat and fever that jumped 4 degrees in 3 hours! It burned out at 102.2, after I took 8.5 pills to try to break it and enable myself to sleep...I really cannot be stressed about anything anymore. I cannot stand being sick. Plus, I need to just give it all to God. I can't allow these things to control me like this. I have tried, believe me I have, to let God bear the burden, to let Him do what He knows is best, to give Him what is already His that I've tried to take away...but clearly I needed a little jolt to really mean it.
I've just started reading Radical Together by David Platt. Never having read Radical, I'm not sure what will come from reading the follow-up first. But already I've been very convicted and encouraged by something he's said. I've been very concerned about my ministry in the youth group - not that I shouldn't be there or that I'm doing something absolutely wrong, but that I'm not having quite the effect I ought to. Here's some wisdom from David Platt:
"As Christians today, you and I can easily deceive ourselves into thinking that dedication to church programs automatically equals devotion to kingdom purposes. We can fill our lives and our churches with good things requiring our resources and good activities demanding our attention that are not ultimately best for the enjoyment of the gospel in our churches and the spread of the gospel in our communities.
We must be willing to sacrifice good things in the church in order to experience the great things of God."
He goes on to conclude: "The gospel compels the church to go to God with everything we have and everything we do and then ask, "What needs to go? What needs to change? What needs to stay the same?"
And then wait for God to answer."
This is really speaking to me. This issue has been on my heart for months. I feel like I'm doing good things in the church and not really spreading the gospel in the way Christ has called me to do. But I'm not sure how to deal with this. I'm still waiting for God to answer. We shall see what He says in the next few weeks! I'm literally so pumped for youth group and BSF to start! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!
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