I just prayed that God would prepare for me a life in New York City.
This is years away, as in it will not happen for real until after I graduate from TWU, but I feel more and more that at that time, my future lies in New York City. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to want to leave Texas. I don't know if I would want to raise a family in New York, but I really do want to live there for at least two or three years after I graduate college.
This is so strange. It does not at all line up with what I thought my life would be when I was sixteen. Let's see what my life would have been like if I were the one calling all the shots...
Once I graduated high school in 2007, I would have most likely chosen to go to Texas Tech. The only reason I didn't actually pursue going there was because it was just too big. I wanted a smaller school.
After my first semester there, I would have sat first chair flute.
I would have spent my days in a practice room and my evenings with my school and/or church friends, laughing non-stop.
I would have met a guy my freshman year and been in a relationship by Christmas.
I would have been married by 21.
I would have graduated college by 22.
I would have become a band director immediately after graduation.
I would have had my first baby by 25.
I would have had my second baby by 28.
I would have had my third baby by 30.
My family would be living in a good house in Dallas and I would be homeschooling my children and living near at least a few childhood friends, who would also be married and beginning to have babies that my children could be friends with. We'd live near my parents too, so they could be involved in their grandchildren's lives, and Mindy and her family would visit a few times a year too.
Then I would turn 33, maybe 34 or 35.
But instead, this is what happened.
I graduated high school in 2007 and went to community college for a year.
I chose to attend Texas Woman's University and started off with three scholarships and loving my classes.
I did not sit first chair flute by any means.
I rarely practiced, despite being beseiged with music.
I did not make any friends that I ever spoke to outside of class.
I did not meet a guy. Though to be fair, the odds of that were never in my favor, given the school I chose (and yes, men actually do go to TWU...we went co-ed in the '70's!).
I dropped out of school when I was 21.
I spent two years working at Chick-fil-A and a string of unsuccessful minimum wage jobs, most of which I hated.
I spent two years as a youth leader and one year as a BSF leader, which remain two of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life.
I re-applied to TWU when I was 23 and was re-accepted.
I'm about to turn 24 and have yet to even go on a date, let alone be in a relationship.
When I graduate college, I will probably be 26.
I don't even want to think about how old I'll be by the time I get married and have my first baby.
I want to move to New York City, find a job and volunteer at the Bowery Mission as much as I can around my job.
I want to find a guy who will either go with me to New York or find a way to come there to be with me, or else meet one there who will share whatever my life turns into once I get there.
Those two things - moving to New York City and falling in love and getting married - are the two things I want right now more than anything in the world.
I really think I have some kind of future in New York City. It will be so difficult, so lonely, so hard, I can't even imagine. Once I'm there, I will probably cry myself to sleep six nights a week because of how lonely I am or how worried I am about finances or how difficult I find my job.
Which is why I need to commit to pray every day for the life I crave in New York City. I need to pray that God will prepare a place for me to live, a place for me to work, and a place for me to fit in. That He will bring me a group of friends that I can see on a regular basis, a church where I can serve, time to volunteer at the Bowery, and a man who will love me and support me and cause me to grow in Christ. A man who I can honor and cherish and love more than anyone else. A man who will marry me. Who on earth could that be?
My life is turning out so very, very different than I ever thought it would.
God, please ready my life after graduation, whether that be in New York or Dallas or wherever. Ready my heart for my husband, or if that isn't Your will, make my heart submissive to life as a single woman. The two things I want most - a life in New York and a husband - I lay at Your feet. Take them from me and do with them what You know is best.
"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" ~Psalm 27:14
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
I'm just crackers about cheese
1. Pick 20 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING or using IMDb search or other search functions. DON'T CHEAT!
1. I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. "Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
2. And though I'll think of you, I guess, until the day I die, I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by, Johanna...
3. Rapunzel? Did I ever tell you I've got a thing for brunettes?
4. "Gesundheit."
"That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me!"
5. The peasant! At the diner! ...He didn't pay his check.
6. I want adventure in the great wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell! And for once it might be grand to have someone understand - I want so much more than they've got planned...
7. Um...you...you fight good.
8. Oh well. What's a royal ball? After all, I suppose it would be frightfully dull, and boring, and completely...completely wonderful.
9. So long...pardner.
10. "You read my diary?"
"At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."
11. "How do I look?"
"Like a new mom. Scared shitless."
12. "So what do you recommend to encourage affection?"
"Dancing. Even if one's partner is barely tolerable."
13. I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awaken. But for now, sleep, and dream of large women.
14. You have no soul, Henslowe, so how can you understand the emptiness that seeks a soulmate?
15. Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled, 'tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep's world. Where there's hardly no day, nor hardly no night. There's things half in shadows, and halfway in light. On the rooftops of London - coo - what a sight!
16. Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
17. "William's just turned down Anna Scott."
"You daft prick."
18. "What are you doing? Get up! You can't sit there! GET UP! "
"Why not? It's a chair."
"No, that. It is not a chair. T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair."
"People have carved their names on it."
"That... chair... is the seat on which every king and queen has... That is the Stone of - you ah-are trivializing everything. You trivialize..."
"It's held in place by a large rock. I don't care about how many royal arseholes have sat in this chair."
"Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME!"
"Listen to you? By what right?"
"By divine right if you must, I am your king."
"No you're not, you told me so yourself. You didn't want it. Why should I waste my time listening?"
"Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!"
"...Yes, you do. You have such perseverance Bertie, you're the bravest man I know."
19. If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.
20. Harry, you are so loved. Mama loves you. Daddy loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong.
Well, there you have it. Twenty of my favorite movies. Now I want to watch ALL of them again...
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING or using IMDb search or other search functions. DON'T CHEAT!
1. I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. "Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
2. And though I'll think of you, I guess, until the day I die, I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by, Johanna...
3. Rapunzel? Did I ever tell you I've got a thing for brunettes?
4. "Gesundheit."
"That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me!"
5. The peasant! At the diner! ...He didn't pay his check.
6. I want adventure in the great wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell! And for once it might be grand to have someone understand - I want so much more than they've got planned...
7. Um...you...you fight good.
8. Oh well. What's a royal ball? After all, I suppose it would be frightfully dull, and boring, and completely...completely wonderful.
9. So long...pardner.
10. "You read my diary?"
"At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."
11. "How do I look?"
"Like a new mom. Scared shitless."
12. "So what do you recommend to encourage affection?"
"Dancing. Even if one's partner is barely tolerable."
13. I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awaken. But for now, sleep, and dream of large women.
14. You have no soul, Henslowe, so how can you understand the emptiness that seeks a soulmate?
15. Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled, 'tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep's world. Where there's hardly no day, nor hardly no night. There's things half in shadows, and halfway in light. On the rooftops of London - coo - what a sight!
16. Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
17. "William's just turned down Anna Scott."
"You daft prick."
18. "What are you doing? Get up! You can't sit there! GET UP! "
"Why not? It's a chair."
"No, that. It is not a chair. T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair."
"People have carved their names on it."
"That... chair... is the seat on which every king and queen has... That is the Stone of - you ah-are trivializing everything. You trivialize..."
"It's held in place by a large rock. I don't care about how many royal arseholes have sat in this chair."
"Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME!"
"Listen to you? By what right?"
"By divine right if you must, I am your king."
"No you're not, you told me so yourself. You didn't want it. Why should I waste my time listening?"
"Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!"
"...Yes, you do. You have such perseverance Bertie, you're the bravest man I know."
19. If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.
20. Harry, you are so loved. Mama loves you. Daddy loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong.
Well, there you have it. Twenty of my favorite movies. Now I want to watch ALL of them again...
Friday, September 21, 2012
a chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there
If God created all things, then it is reasonable to say that our chief reason for being is to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever.
How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who is doing things I don't understand and that are causing me pain? How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who keeps telling me things I don't want to hear, especially when I think things ought to be different?
As vast and powerful as are the forces of nature, God controls them. As mighty as some individuals or governments may seem, God rules them.
So why doesn't God change that person's heart? Why doesn't God allow the circumstances of this person's life to change? Why doesn't He do what I have been begging Him to do for months?
"With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day" ~1 Peter 3:8
I've been waiting what feels like a thousand years, and I think I'm being asked to wait a thousand more. Do I trust God enough to do that? Do I find enough satisfaction in God alone, and His overwhelming, unending, absolutely amazing love for me, that I can humbly say, "Yes, Lord, I'll keep waiting"? And maybe even mean it?
Are you convinced that God Himself carried out this great work [the creation of the world]? Have you begun to realize that He placed you within His world for His high purpose? How does this change your thoughts and plans for your life? To what are you dedicating your days and years?
1. I've only been taught this since I was a baby. Yes, of course I am convinced. I've seen enough of the world to know it could never have been created any other way. I've climbed mountains in Colorado, run through fields of wildflowers in England, walked along the beaches of Santa Domingo, even when I was at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City - I know God is the Creator and Redeemer of this amazing world in which I live.
2. Another fact I've known for many years. And I know a few general purposes He has for my life: to bring Him glory, to tell others about Him, to minister in some way in a church setting, to teach in some form of school setting. How on earth did He choose me? How did He notice me among the rest of His creation? And what does He have in store for me?? The best years of my life are underway, and I don't want to waste them. I don't want HIM to waste them. What am I thinking??
3. I know my life is His, to do with what He wants. BUT WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?? HOW LONG DOES HE WANT ME TO WAIT?? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME?
4. I don't quite know right now. I'm searching for a ministry, I'm working on being able to teach, and I'm wondering if I will ever be able to have the family I've always dreamed of having. And whether I'll have to wait ten more years for that to happen. I think right now, whether it's a good thing or not, I'm dedicating most of my time to waiting...
The first result of receiving Jesus is that light reveals the former darkness. Jesus, the spiritual light, separeates from darkness. A new way of life, of thinking and acting in the light, then begins. Have you received Jesus into your life? Are you suddenly able to see what you could not understand or appreciate before? What do you plan to do today concerning your emotions, mind, or actions as this light reveals the truth about God and about you?
Jesus has been Lord of my life since I was eight years old, but I still struggle daily to let Him do His work. I'm pretty sure He doesn't know that my way is better. My way is much more efficient, much quicker, and will save so many people SO much pain - particularly ME. My way is only fair, and quite frankly, I'm a little insulted that He hasn't seemed to grasp just how well it will work and how much time and emotion and energy it will save if we just DID IT MY WAY FOR ONCE!!! Sigh. I have already done this, over and over again, but I plan to pray that God will help my unbelief. Mark 9:24 has been my prayer for months. "I DO believe - help my unbelief!" I am still in darkness about why I am still waiting. Lord Jesus, let my heart submit to whatever it is that You're doing. I will do whatever You want, it doesn't matter. I'll do it. I will. I don't understand why You keep telling me to wait, and wait, and wait, and You don't tell me anything else, and You allow people to make what I am sure are the wrong decisions. How am I supposed to help him, and him, and him, and her, and her, and her, and them? How am I supposed to do this? Help me, Lord Jesus - help my unbelief.
Now that light and life have come through God's Word, will you enter with Him into a new day, separated from the former empty life and completely reoriented to His beautiful purpose?
His purpose is beautiful. My life in Him is beautiful. The rest of the life I have yet to live in Him will also be beautiful. "He has made everything beautiful in its time." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11
When will my time come?
What am I waiting for?
My heart, being deceitful above all things and desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9), wants to continue bemoaning the endless waiting I am enduring, and the pain that accompanies. But my heart is also a temple of the Holy Spirit, and He is leaving this verse on my mind:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I receieved from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." ~Acts 20:24, ESV
^That is my prayer. Nothing else will cure this pain. Nothing else will make any difference of any kind. Nothing else will ever matter. No one else will ever matter. Not like that verse does.
How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who is doing things I don't understand and that are causing me pain? How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who keeps telling me things I don't want to hear, especially when I think things ought to be different?
As vast and powerful as are the forces of nature, God controls them. As mighty as some individuals or governments may seem, God rules them.
So why doesn't God change that person's heart? Why doesn't God allow the circumstances of this person's life to change? Why doesn't He do what I have been begging Him to do for months?
"With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day" ~1 Peter 3:8
I've been waiting what feels like a thousand years, and I think I'm being asked to wait a thousand more. Do I trust God enough to do that? Do I find enough satisfaction in God alone, and His overwhelming, unending, absolutely amazing love for me, that I can humbly say, "Yes, Lord, I'll keep waiting"? And maybe even mean it?
Are you convinced that God Himself carried out this great work [the creation of the world]? Have you begun to realize that He placed you within His world for His high purpose? How does this change your thoughts and plans for your life? To what are you dedicating your days and years?
1. I've only been taught this since I was a baby. Yes, of course I am convinced. I've seen enough of the world to know it could never have been created any other way. I've climbed mountains in Colorado, run through fields of wildflowers in England, walked along the beaches of Santa Domingo, even when I was at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City - I know God is the Creator and Redeemer of this amazing world in which I live.
2. Another fact I've known for many years. And I know a few general purposes He has for my life: to bring Him glory, to tell others about Him, to minister in some way in a church setting, to teach in some form of school setting. How on earth did He choose me? How did He notice me among the rest of His creation? And what does He have in store for me?? The best years of my life are underway, and I don't want to waste them. I don't want HIM to waste them. What am I thinking??
3. I know my life is His, to do with what He wants. BUT WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?? HOW LONG DOES HE WANT ME TO WAIT?? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME?
4. I don't quite know right now. I'm searching for a ministry, I'm working on being able to teach, and I'm wondering if I will ever be able to have the family I've always dreamed of having. And whether I'll have to wait ten more years for that to happen. I think right now, whether it's a good thing or not, I'm dedicating most of my time to waiting...
The first result of receiving Jesus is that light reveals the former darkness. Jesus, the spiritual light, separeates from darkness. A new way of life, of thinking and acting in the light, then begins. Have you received Jesus into your life? Are you suddenly able to see what you could not understand or appreciate before? What do you plan to do today concerning your emotions, mind, or actions as this light reveals the truth about God and about you?
Jesus has been Lord of my life since I was eight years old, but I still struggle daily to let Him do His work. I'm pretty sure He doesn't know that my way is better. My way is much more efficient, much quicker, and will save so many people SO much pain - particularly ME. My way is only fair, and quite frankly, I'm a little insulted that He hasn't seemed to grasp just how well it will work and how much time and emotion and energy it will save if we just DID IT MY WAY FOR ONCE!!! Sigh. I have already done this, over and over again, but I plan to pray that God will help my unbelief. Mark 9:24 has been my prayer for months. "I DO believe - help my unbelief!" I am still in darkness about why I am still waiting. Lord Jesus, let my heart submit to whatever it is that You're doing. I will do whatever You want, it doesn't matter. I'll do it. I will. I don't understand why You keep telling me to wait, and wait, and wait, and You don't tell me anything else, and You allow people to make what I am sure are the wrong decisions. How am I supposed to help him, and him, and him, and her, and her, and her, and them? How am I supposed to do this? Help me, Lord Jesus - help my unbelief.
Now that light and life have come through God's Word, will you enter with Him into a new day, separated from the former empty life and completely reoriented to His beautiful purpose?
His purpose is beautiful. My life in Him is beautiful. The rest of the life I have yet to live in Him will also be beautiful. "He has made everything beautiful in its time." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11
When will my time come?
What am I waiting for?
My heart, being deceitful above all things and desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9), wants to continue bemoaning the endless waiting I am enduring, and the pain that accompanies. But my heart is also a temple of the Holy Spirit, and He is leaving this verse on my mind:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I receieved from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." ~Acts 20:24, ESV
^That is my prayer. Nothing else will cure this pain. Nothing else will make any difference of any kind. Nothing else will ever matter. No one else will ever matter. Not like that verse does.
Friday, September 7, 2012
maybe you'll be lonesome too
One of my favorite things lately is the concept of "brutal honesty." Let's face it - without honesty, I am a failure. Forget the moral implications of dishonesty. Not being brutally honest with others led me into a pit. Complete and utter darkness. Dishonesty was, essentially, what broke me. Lying to others about what I was doing, feeling, thinking - that was the most foolish thing I've ever done. I still shake my head at myself when I remember how I lied to my best friend's face. She asked me how school was going, how my grades were, and I smiled and nodded and said, "Everything is fine." When I was actually screaming on the inside, desperate, but too scared to do anything to help myself. My friend was throwing me a lifeline, and I was too afraid to take it. If I had only been honest with her - who knows what might have happened.
And now for some brutal honesty. Here it is. This might shock you all - brace yourselves! - but I am fairly certain that I want to be married more than anything else in the world.
There. I said it.
I suppose this really isn't particularly brutal honesty. I like to think I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way, for one thing. And for another, I've said this before. This isn't some huge, outrageous confession I'm making. My friends have known this about me for quite some time. I'm sure that most people would assume it about any 24-year-old woman who has spent her entire life single and continues to do so.
I have always known that my perpetual singleness was a blessing, an absolute gift, from God. I knew that if He had allowed the boy(s) I liked to pursue me, I would have regretted it later. I would have regretted the relationships I so desperately coveted at the time. Yes, coveted. Everyone else around me was (and still is, to this day!) in a relationship of sorts, or if they weren't, it didn't matter to them. Not like it did to me. What was wrong with me? Why did none of the guys I knew ever seem to think I was girlfriend material?
I suppose if they had, or if I had had slightly more conservative parents, I might have taken the whole "purity ring" approach to things. I always knew I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night. That was, and has always been, the route I've chosen for myself. No one in my circle of friends has ever thought it was weird. It was the route all my friends chose for themselves too, back in the day. Losing your virginity would have been unthinkable. It was so unthinkable, in fact, that I imagine that's why we never bothered with purity rings. We didn't need them. We knew we would be virgins until marriage. There was never any other way.
And I always wondered when I would meet him. The boy who would actually see me in a way that none of the other boys ever seemed to. The boy who would actually do something about his feelings for me. The boy who had the guts to pursue me. Fellas, I realize it's a terrifying thing, pursuing a girl. If you ask her out, she might say no. OUCH. But the other option is far more terrifying: she might say yes. And then what do you do?? I know it's scary, either way it goes. And I've been waiting nearly 24 years for that guy, whoever he is, to screw up the courage and just freaking ask me out already.
I'm not done waiting for him. And I've realized something else...
I may always be waiting for him.
If I never marry, I will go to my grave waiting for him. My husband. I will spend my entire life waiting for my husband, even if he never comes. That's just the way it's going to be.
But something else I've realized...
I'm not waiting for my life to begin.
I'm not waiting for God to come through for me.
I'm not waiting for God's promise of abundant life.
Because I already have that. I already have my Beloved. I already have the joy of Christ, the salvation of His blood, the forgiveness from my sin, the grace and peace and eternal life He promises. I have His blessing, I am His treasured child, an heir with Christ. I am not waiting for Him to bless me with my idea of abundant life in Him.
I already have it.
Yes, I am waiting for someone, and I am not pleased that I have been told time and time again that I must wait, and keep waiting, and keep waiting, and wait some more. If I had a nickel for every time I've pleaded with God to change that answer, I could probably buy a month's worth of groceries. If I had a dime for every tear I've shed because of how much this endless waiting hurts, I could probably just buy out the grocery store. Just tonight, writing this entry, I have wept. I have wept because I am so tired of waiting, and there is no guarantee I'll ever stop. I have accepted the fact that I may wait for my husband for the rest of my life - and he may never show up.
But I'm determined I'll submit. I have told God, as I grit my teeth to bear the pain, that I would do whatever He asked of me. I believe in His total, utter and complete goodness. I believe in His infinite wisdom, the fact that He knows my heart, which is desperately sick and deceitful, better than I ever will. I believe in His ability to provide, and I also believe that He is all I will ever need. I don't need a husband. I don't need children. I don't need anything, except that which I already have: abundant life in Christ.
This obedience and submission sucks. It really does. (More brutal honesty.) It hurts so much. I would love nothing more than for the waiting to stop, for my idea of abundant life to begin. I almost wish God would apologize to me for putting me through all this pain and making me wait so long and never really rewarding me for my absolutely unending patience. Really, I have been a saint through all this. Isn't it time I got what I want for once??
He isn't a tame Lion.
I am to submit. He knows. He knows our weaknesses and our limitations. He bore those same things Himself when He was human. He knows how much my fragile, desperately wicked heart can handle. He knows how I can best bring glory to Him - as a wife and a mother, or just as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, a teacher, a mentor. He knows. And on top of everything that He knows - He loves! Oh, how He loves us so!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
And now for some brutal honesty. Here it is. This might shock you all - brace yourselves! - but I am fairly certain that I want to be married more than anything else in the world.
There. I said it.
I suppose this really isn't particularly brutal honesty. I like to think I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way, for one thing. And for another, I've said this before. This isn't some huge, outrageous confession I'm making. My friends have known this about me for quite some time. I'm sure that most people would assume it about any 24-year-old woman who has spent her entire life single and continues to do so.
I have always known that my perpetual singleness was a blessing, an absolute gift, from God. I knew that if He had allowed the boy(s) I liked to pursue me, I would have regretted it later. I would have regretted the relationships I so desperately coveted at the time. Yes, coveted. Everyone else around me was (and still is, to this day!) in a relationship of sorts, or if they weren't, it didn't matter to them. Not like it did to me. What was wrong with me? Why did none of the guys I knew ever seem to think I was girlfriend material?
I suppose if they had, or if I had had slightly more conservative parents, I might have taken the whole "purity ring" approach to things. I always knew I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night. That was, and has always been, the route I've chosen for myself. No one in my circle of friends has ever thought it was weird. It was the route all my friends chose for themselves too, back in the day. Losing your virginity would have been unthinkable. It was so unthinkable, in fact, that I imagine that's why we never bothered with purity rings. We didn't need them. We knew we would be virgins until marriage. There was never any other way.
And I always wondered when I would meet him. The boy who would actually see me in a way that none of the other boys ever seemed to. The boy who would actually do something about his feelings for me. The boy who had the guts to pursue me. Fellas, I realize it's a terrifying thing, pursuing a girl. If you ask her out, she might say no. OUCH. But the other option is far more terrifying: she might say yes. And then what do you do?? I know it's scary, either way it goes. And I've been waiting nearly 24 years for that guy, whoever he is, to screw up the courage and just freaking ask me out already.
I'm not done waiting for him. And I've realized something else...
I may always be waiting for him.
If I never marry, I will go to my grave waiting for him. My husband. I will spend my entire life waiting for my husband, even if he never comes. That's just the way it's going to be.
But something else I've realized...
I'm not waiting for my life to begin.
I'm not waiting for God to come through for me.
I'm not waiting for God's promise of abundant life.
Because I already have that. I already have my Beloved. I already have the joy of Christ, the salvation of His blood, the forgiveness from my sin, the grace and peace and eternal life He promises. I have His blessing, I am His treasured child, an heir with Christ. I am not waiting for Him to bless me with my idea of abundant life in Him.
I already have it.
Yes, I am waiting for someone, and I am not pleased that I have been told time and time again that I must wait, and keep waiting, and keep waiting, and wait some more. If I had a nickel for every time I've pleaded with God to change that answer, I could probably buy a month's worth of groceries. If I had a dime for every tear I've shed because of how much this endless waiting hurts, I could probably just buy out the grocery store. Just tonight, writing this entry, I have wept. I have wept because I am so tired of waiting, and there is no guarantee I'll ever stop. I have accepted the fact that I may wait for my husband for the rest of my life - and he may never show up.
But I'm determined I'll submit. I have told God, as I grit my teeth to bear the pain, that I would do whatever He asked of me. I believe in His total, utter and complete goodness. I believe in His infinite wisdom, the fact that He knows my heart, which is desperately sick and deceitful, better than I ever will. I believe in His ability to provide, and I also believe that He is all I will ever need. I don't need a husband. I don't need children. I don't need anything, except that which I already have: abundant life in Christ.
This obedience and submission sucks. It really does. (More brutal honesty.) It hurts so much. I would love nothing more than for the waiting to stop, for my idea of abundant life to begin. I almost wish God would apologize to me for putting me through all this pain and making me wait so long and never really rewarding me for my absolutely unending patience. Really, I have been a saint through all this. Isn't it time I got what I want for once??
He isn't a tame Lion.
I am to submit. He knows. He knows our weaknesses and our limitations. He bore those same things Himself when He was human. He knows how much my fragile, desperately wicked heart can handle. He knows how I can best bring glory to Him - as a wife and a mother, or just as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, a teacher, a mentor. He knows. And on top of everything that He knows - He loves! Oh, how He loves us so!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
Oh, the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency!
Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Never know until I see it with my own eyes
Repentance must be real
Sorrow, sorrow must be great
Heartache must be felt
For these worldly chains to break
Thank you once again to Ashley Jones for summing up my exact feelings right now. Oh, the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency! To be real with someone, to say what needs to be said...and the feelings that come when you realize you didn't say everything that needed to be said, you don't understand the answers given, that that transparency is actually translucency, which on second thought will not do.
Is the grass really greener on the other side? I will never know until I see it with my own eyes. And I can't see well enough through the translucency. I can see something, but I can't tell what yet. I need to know, and I need to see it with my own eyes.
Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. Brokenness. Something I know very well, yet when I think of all the ways I could have been broken, I feel like I barely have a scratch on me. Other people experience more heartache in their lives than I could ever stand. Other people could live through multiple experiences, the least of which could absolutely crush my soul, kill my spirit, wound me beyond repair. Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. My heart aches right now. I'm tired, I'm so tired, and not just because it's nearly two in the morning. Not just because I haven't slept well in weeks. My heart is so full. There is too much on my mind. I can't bear it. I can't bear it.
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30, ESV
I know what I've agreed to. I know what I've said, I know what I've promised. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be, accomplishing what I need to accomplish. I know! I'm sure of it!
I just can't help longing for the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency.
I wonder when I will ever see the other side with my own eyes.
I wonder when these worldly chains will break.
Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Never know until I see it with my own eyes
Repentance must be real
Sorrow, sorrow must be great
Heartache must be felt
For these worldly chains to break
Thank you once again to Ashley Jones for summing up my exact feelings right now. Oh, the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency! To be real with someone, to say what needs to be said...and the feelings that come when you realize you didn't say everything that needed to be said, you don't understand the answers given, that that transparency is actually translucency, which on second thought will not do.
Is the grass really greener on the other side? I will never know until I see it with my own eyes. And I can't see well enough through the translucency. I can see something, but I can't tell what yet. I need to know, and I need to see it with my own eyes.
Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. Brokenness. Something I know very well, yet when I think of all the ways I could have been broken, I feel like I barely have a scratch on me. Other people experience more heartache in their lives than I could ever stand. Other people could live through multiple experiences, the least of which could absolutely crush my soul, kill my spirit, wound me beyond repair. Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. My heart aches right now. I'm tired, I'm so tired, and not just because it's nearly two in the morning. Not just because I haven't slept well in weeks. My heart is so full. There is too much on my mind. I can't bear it. I can't bear it.
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30, ESV
I know what I've agreed to. I know what I've said, I know what I've promised. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be, accomplishing what I need to accomplish. I know! I'm sure of it!
I just can't help longing for the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency.
I wonder when I will ever see the other side with my own eyes.
I wonder when these worldly chains will break.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
don't you worry your pretty little mind
Today I saw a friend who I haven't seen in 3 weeks. Knowing today would be the first time I would see him, I woke up this morning thinking of what I would be telling him. Things that have happened in my life, how school and my apartment and everything is all going. And I realized something.
My life is about to be absolutely amazing.
No, seriously.
I'm totally freaking out right now...but there's no reason for me to.
I feel that I ought to be completely and totally frightened.
After all, I am going back to school. The place where my life totally fell apart. The place where I failed more miserably than I've ever failed before. The place that scared me out of my mind. The place that brought on more pain than I've ever experienced. The place that led me into severe depression. The place that broke me.
But this time, it's all different.
I live in an apartment, not the dorms. (Oh, the dorms...) I live with Sam, my cousin and best friend, instead of some random girl I've never met. And our apartment is everything we have been planning it would be, and then some. It's the most perfect place for us. It literally could not be more perfect, unless it was a little bigger, but I am not even complaining, it's still so perfect just the way it is. I have wanted to live in that apartment for the past three years, and I have wanted to live with Sam for the past year, and now we do live there. And it's everything I needed and wanted it to be, and more.
I have the most perfect class schedule ever. EVER. As follows:
Monday: 11-11:50am Voice Class
1-2:20pm Sociology
5:30-8:20pm Reading Education
Tuesday: 2:30-3:50pm Band
7-9pm BSF, Genesis study (not a class, but the most amazing Bible study ever!!!)
Wednesday: see Monday
Thursday: 12-1:20pm Flute Choir
2:30-3:50pm Band
It couldn't be a more perfect schedule. It really, really couldn't.
And the part of me that remembers last time I was at school is trying to freak out...but there isn't anything to freak out about this time.
I have two years of ministry under my belt, and that has taught me more than any class or any experience ever has. Two years of youth ministry and BSF leadership and job struggles and friendship changes and growth. It's been insane, but it's exactly what I needed to prepare me for school again.
This is my anthem and this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long:
God has been faithful and will be again!
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have needed, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me!
Praise God for His faithfulness and provision and mercy and grace and utter, complete goodness. That's all I can do. All I can ever do.
My life is about to be absolutely amazing.
No, seriously.
I'm totally freaking out right now...but there's no reason for me to.
I feel that I ought to be completely and totally frightened.
After all, I am going back to school. The place where my life totally fell apart. The place where I failed more miserably than I've ever failed before. The place that scared me out of my mind. The place that brought on more pain than I've ever experienced. The place that led me into severe depression. The place that broke me.
But this time, it's all different.
I live in an apartment, not the dorms. (Oh, the dorms...) I live with Sam, my cousin and best friend, instead of some random girl I've never met. And our apartment is everything we have been planning it would be, and then some. It's the most perfect place for us. It literally could not be more perfect, unless it was a little bigger, but I am not even complaining, it's still so perfect just the way it is. I have wanted to live in that apartment for the past three years, and I have wanted to live with Sam for the past year, and now we do live there. And it's everything I needed and wanted it to be, and more.
I have the most perfect class schedule ever. EVER. As follows:
Monday: 11-11:50am Voice Class
1-2:20pm Sociology
5:30-8:20pm Reading Education
Tuesday: 2:30-3:50pm Band
7-9pm BSF, Genesis study (not a class, but the most amazing Bible study ever!!!)
Wednesday: see Monday
Thursday: 12-1:20pm Flute Choir
2:30-3:50pm Band
It couldn't be a more perfect schedule. It really, really couldn't.
And the part of me that remembers last time I was at school is trying to freak out...but there isn't anything to freak out about this time.
I have two years of ministry under my belt, and that has taught me more than any class or any experience ever has. Two years of youth ministry and BSF leadership and job struggles and friendship changes and growth. It's been insane, but it's exactly what I needed to prepare me for school again.
This is my anthem and this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long:
God has been faithful and will be again!
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have needed, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me!
Praise God for His faithfulness and provision and mercy and grace and utter, complete goodness. That's all I can do. All I can ever do.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
we neither believe what either can say
I am about to move. I move into my new apartment in SIXTEEN DAYS!!!! Oh my goodness. My first ever time to live away from my parents (except for that one dreadful year in the dorms...but let's not revisit that). My first time ever to live on my own. And I am going to live with my cousin and best friend, Sam!!! Everything we've talked about for the past year is actually about to happen! This time last year we concocted this idea of how neat it would be if I went back to school, Sam moved to Texas and we lived together. I didn't think at the time that it would really, truly happen - well, that's not totally true. I knew it could and it seemed so right and it seemed like such a God thing and it seemed like it would - it just seemed a tiny bit too good to be true.
But it is true! It is happening! Sam and I move into our apartment - the apartment I've wanted to live in for three years - in sixteen days!!!!! Sam lives in Texas now, and I am going back to school! I AM LIVING IN THE AUSTIN STREET APARTMENTS WITH SAM AND I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!! OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!!! I can't believe how faithful God is to have allowed all this to fall into place. This was all the best case scenario. I never believe in best case scenarios. Ever. Oh me of little faith. I live too much in the expectation that God will take blessings away from me, rather than pour them out in more ways than I can count, as He always has and always will. I can do nothing but fall on my knees and praise Him and thank Him over and over again for His grace and blessings, and pray the prayer I've been using too much lately: "I do believe - help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
There is so much to do before the 20th! So much cleaning and sorting and throwing away and organizing and packing and moving furniture. It is a little overwhelming but more exciting than anything - what a great time to throw away a ton of stuff I don't need and organize my things in my own house! The idea of decorating and arranging my own house is just so exciting! Sam and I will have an incredibly impressive bookcase and DVD collection - between us the numbers will be in the hundreds easily. We'll have a little furniture shopping to do too. We need a kitchen table and chairs, plus Sam needs to get a mattress and box springs, and we'll probably need an extra bookcase or two, just for good measure. Ikea, here we come! And we need dishes, and cookware, and some spare linens and towels, and OH MY GOSH we are about to move into our apartment! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! This is so crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I'm desperate to see Brave and The Amazing Spider-Man.
ALSO, I'm BEYOND excited for Friday, which is friend day with Peter and Chandler, and then this weekend, when Sam and I are road tripping to Lubbock to visit Cody and our grandparents! I am desperate for 12 hours of discussion of life with Sam and as much family time with Cody and the Gs as we can manage.
God has blessed me with the best family and the best friends in the world and I am so thankful! All praise and glory to Him for His awesome goodness!
But it is true! It is happening! Sam and I move into our apartment - the apartment I've wanted to live in for three years - in sixteen days!!!!! Sam lives in Texas now, and I am going back to school! I AM LIVING IN THE AUSTIN STREET APARTMENTS WITH SAM AND I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!! OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!!! I can't believe how faithful God is to have allowed all this to fall into place. This was all the best case scenario. I never believe in best case scenarios. Ever. Oh me of little faith. I live too much in the expectation that God will take blessings away from me, rather than pour them out in more ways than I can count, as He always has and always will. I can do nothing but fall on my knees and praise Him and thank Him over and over again for His grace and blessings, and pray the prayer I've been using too much lately: "I do believe - help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
There is so much to do before the 20th! So much cleaning and sorting and throwing away and organizing and packing and moving furniture. It is a little overwhelming but more exciting than anything - what a great time to throw away a ton of stuff I don't need and organize my things in my own house! The idea of decorating and arranging my own house is just so exciting! Sam and I will have an incredibly impressive bookcase and DVD collection - between us the numbers will be in the hundreds easily. We'll have a little furniture shopping to do too. We need a kitchen table and chairs, plus Sam needs to get a mattress and box springs, and we'll probably need an extra bookcase or two, just for good measure. Ikea, here we come! And we need dishes, and cookware, and some spare linens and towels, and OH MY GOSH we are about to move into our apartment! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! This is so crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I'm desperate to see Brave and The Amazing Spider-Man.
ALSO, I'm BEYOND excited for Friday, which is friend day with Peter and Chandler, and then this weekend, when Sam and I are road tripping to Lubbock to visit Cody and our grandparents! I am desperate for 12 hours of discussion of life with Sam and as much family time with Cody and the Gs as we can manage.
God has blessed me with the best family and the best friends in the world and I am so thankful! All praise and glory to Him for His awesome goodness!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)