the fullness of Christ is my treasure

Wow.  I can't believe it's June 1!  It hasn't even been two whole weeks yet since BSF ended, and already so much has happened.  One thing we've been talking about for the last few weeks of BSF was how we were going to stay in God's Word over the summer.  My dad came up with a really neat idea that I have also adopted: we are writing out, by hand, various books of the Bible in notebooks.  My dad is doing the entire book of Romans, which is an incredibly arduous task!  I decided to start with something a little less intimidating, and today I finished writing out the book of Ephesians (I am continuing with the book of Colossians, but that's another post!).  The last part of Ephesians, which is chapter 6, talks about the armor of God.  I can never remember exactly what any of the armor means or how to use it, so I thought I would write the definitions here.  My former youth pastor, Keith Mason, preached a sermon on the armor of God in 2011 and here are the notes I wrote down on the different pieces of armor.

• "Stand firm, then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist..."

Remind ourselves that in coming to Christ, we have found all truth.  Satan is the father of lies, but we believe the truth found in Christ.  Colossians 2:3 "...Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."  John 14:6 "Jesus said, 'I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.'" 

• "...with the breastplate of righteousness in place..."

When we fail, we try to hide it in our own righteousness.  But we have no merit apart fom Christ.  By God's righteousness, Christ's righteousness, we can withstand the lies and guilt of the enemy.  Romans 3:21 "But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify."  Romans 8:1-2 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death."

• "...and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace."

The gospel of Christ's death, resurrection, and salvation brings us peace.  The gospel of peace gives us a whole new way to view our struggles and suffering.  Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."  Romans 5:1 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ"  John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble - but take heart!  I have overcome the world."

• "In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one."

Acting on our beliefs in our everyday life - we can and should use the shield in every specific situation.  This is how we extinguish the flaming arrows of the enemy.  Psalm 7:10 "God is my shield, saving those whose hearts are true and right."  1 Peter 1:4b-5 "This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who in faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time."

• "Take the helmet of salvation..."

We are saved in hope.  Recognize that Christ is working out His plan, He's coming again and will gain a final victory.  Romans 8:22-24 "We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we await for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, and what is unseen is eternal." 

• "...and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God."

Clearly, this is God's Word - though it is not to be used by itself, but after we have truth, Christ's righteousness, hope, peace, salvation, and faith.  Arguably the best way to use this weapon is by memorizing Scripture.  Psalm 119:11 "I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against You." 



A few final verses about the armor of God:

"The Lord looked and was displeased that there was no justice.  He saw that there was no one, he was appalled that there was no one to intervene; so his own arm achieved salvation for him, and his own righteousness sustained him.  He put on righteousness as his breastplate, and the helmet of salvation on his head; he put on the garments of vengeance and wrapped himself in zeal as in a cloak."  ~Isaiah 59:16-17

"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins,  having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross."  ~Colossians 2:13-14

"Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I rejoice because of you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil.  The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet."  ~Romans 16:19-20

"And they sang a new song, saying:

“You are worthy to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
and with your blood you purchased for God
persons from every tribe and language and people and nation."  ~Revelation 5:9

I highly recommend this idea of writing out books of the Bible by hand!  It's really been great.  I've finished Ephesians, have begun Colossians, and will probably move on to Philippians next.  It's really a great way to stay in the Word!

hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

"Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor, looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it."

Thank you, John Mayer, for summing up my feelings right about now.

I am single.  I am so single it's unreal.  And to be honest, I'm so tired of it I could scream.  I have screamed.  I have cried, wept, prayed, pushed it to the back of my mind, smiled, threw myself into my work, laughed, been filled with joy in my God and my ministry and my family and my friends and my life, remembered my singleness, screamed, cried, wept, prayed, and repeated this cycle over and over so many times I can't even count them anymore. 

I don't understand.

I don't understand why I must want to not be single so badly, if I have to spend my whole life single.

I don't understand why no one has ever wanted me.  Or why no one has ever wanted me enough to pursue me.

I don't understand why I've come so very close before, so close I could almost taste what being in a relationship was like - only to have it come to nothing, again. 

I don't understand why I'm twenty-four years old, have never had a boyfriend, have never been on a date, and see absolutely no end to this in sight.

I don't understand why, as my life has been that way, the one thing I've wanted ever since I can remember is to be with someone.  To be married, and have children.  Or at the very least, to be granted the chance to realize that that's not what I want. 

Okay, seriously...this isn't what I came to my blog to post.  Sorry about the pity party, I've just been thinking about this whole topic and I couldn't help vomiting some of my frustrations out here.  Okay.  Get it together, man.  GET IT TOGETHER.  GAAAHHHH.

So for reals, I wanted to discuss what I need to be doing in the meantime, while I'm in this endless period of waiting, and waiting, and waiting...sorry!  Anyway, a few of my friends have been posting blogs on facebook about finding a godly husband.  And while it's extremely important to know what a godly husband should be like and how to find one, really, those posts aren't for many girls right now.  Those posts certainly aren't for me at the moment.  I'm not dating anyone - I don't even have that many guy friends at all right now.  I'm not considering any actual person for a relationship.  Those godly husband posts will be for me at a much further point down the road.

What I need right now is to focus on how to become a godly wife, rather than worry about choosing a godly husband.  If I am not currently making the choice to pursue marriage with any man, why should I worry about what he is like?  I need to instead focus on making myself into the wife I would want my husband to have.  After all - "An excellent wife who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels."  (Proverbs 31:10) 

• She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
• She dresses herself with strength, and makes her arms strong.
• She opens her hands to the poor, and reaches out her hand to the needy.
• Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
• She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
• Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

What man would not want to marry a woman like this?  What woman would not want her husband and her family to perceive her in this way?

How can I become such a woman?

(Thank you, BSF lectures, for helping me with this!)

--Depend on God in prayer (from Genesis 25:19-34)
Isaac had inherited God's promise of descendents to Abraham, but Rebekah was barren.  Isaac didn't try to "help" God along, as Abraham did when he agreed to sleep with Hagar - Isaac went straight to God.  Even when God gives us a promise, He still wants us to come to Him and ask Him for it. 
Matthew 7:11 "how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask!"  Philippians 4:14 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."  Isaiah 41:10 "And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desires in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you will be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail." 
What promise of God do I need to ask Him to fulfill?  How will I ask him?  When?

--God's providential plans cannot be earned, changed or lost by our efforts (from Genesis 25:19-34)
God had promised Isaac and Rebekah children, and they believed enough to ask repeatedly in faith for Him to fulfill that promise.
Our circumstances don't necessarily make us who we are, they reveal who we are.
Being single makes me angry, and depressed, and lonely.   Being single reveals that I am seeking elsewhere than God to satisfy my heart, and that I need to learn to love Him and submit to Him completely whole-heartedly.
God's love is never partial or performance-based.
When Esau came to Jacob famished and seeking food, he could have gotten other food easily rather than sell his birthright.  On the other hand, Jacob could have cared for Esau and shown him hospitality and kindess, rather than trying to greedily hurry God's promise along that he would get the birthright.  Jacob loved the right things - God's promised blessing - but in the wrong way.  Esau loved the wrong things altogether - and there is no right way to love the wrong things.
God's gifts are personally handed out, not tossed up for grabs. 
When and how am I tempted to use a worldly way to get what I want, even if it's a promise God has made me?
Are my hands gracious, or grabby like Jacob's?  Does my life offer praise or demands from God?  Jesus freely shares His own spiritual inheritance...how can I be so selfish and greedy as to grab it from His hand before the time is right?

--God's discipline is intended to be transformational (from Genesis 29-31)
When Jacob met Rachel, all he noticed was her physical beauty.  He didn't ask God if she was "the one," nor did he discern anything about her character, completely unlike Abraham's servant who was sent to search for a wife for Isaac.  The servant put his faith in God and prayerfully considered Rebekah's character.  And when Leah and Rachel were both married to Jacob, Rachel never humbly asked God for children - she demanded that Jacob give her children and Leah give her mandrakes.  God wants us to change, to make decisions that glorify Him.
How must I change?  How do I respond to God when new people and new relationships come into my life?  In what ways can I use those relationships to make God's name known?  To bring Him glory?

What do I want, and how am I trying to get it?? 

How can I become more like a godly wife, while I wait here, single, with no end in sight?

maybe this time I'll win

I'm so happy with something I've just noticed.  I noticed on facebook that I could see posts on my timeline all the way back to 2006, when I first joined facebook!  Aside from some crazy, crazy memories (some good, some I'll just be leaving alone...), I noticed a huge change in my attitude toward school.  Allow me to expand on that...

October 4, 2008
Katherine Moser is wondering what's worse than throwing up at 5:30am, in a community bathroom, with Beyonce playing in the background...cause all that just happened to her!!!
^the dorms...*shudder*

October 5, 2008
seriously, I'm going to bed now...don't wake me up till Thanksgiving.

October 8, 2008
has a headache just thinking about the rest of the semester...stupid Culture Card, THEA and recital credits.

October 16, 2008
can't wait for the showcase to be over so she can go home!!! this weekend's gonna be great!!!

October 21, 2008
has a theory test, two lessons, Aural Skills and flute choir to survive...gaaahhhh I HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!

November 8, 2009
 wish I could be friends with Taylor Swift. I wish I could hang out with Karie, Ben, Chris and Lizzie. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until Christmas break. I am so much enjoying listening to my new Sharon Tedford CD. I miss my TAFA friends greatly. I want God to overwhelm me with His love and mercy. I want relief from this thorn in my flesh.

November 11, 2009
is allowing the healing power of Scripture and music to wash over her...

November 29, 2009
only eleven days until it's all over. ELEVEN DAYS!!!!

November 30, 2009
got a lot done today, and there are only 6-8 more school days left of this terribly long semester...and yet the finish line still seems very far away and I've all but lost the will to win the race...

March 23, 2010
feels very much that she has lost her muchness.

March 30, 2010
somehow - and I truly am not quite sure how - God will resurrect my life from this pit it's currently in. Somehow His holy Name will be praised, and somehow my life will be turned around. Somehow I will bring Him glory. Right now it seems impossible - I feel drowned in my sin nature. But somehow, through His strength, I will become the woman of God He always meant me to be. Soli Deo Gloria.


After two years of ministry, growth, and God working in my heart...


October 1, 2012
Is there a better way to start off a new week of school than with voice class? I didn't think so.

October 10, 2012
Best. Voice class. Ever. Soft palate aerobics, Ms. Gilbert's modern interpretive dance accompaniment, learning that Mozart (NOT Barney) originally composed the tune to "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," plus a (mostly) successful voice test #2, makes for a wonderful start to my Wednesday!

October 18, 2012
Today I have two rehearsals, studio, piano, and then the French Connection showcase tonight! So excited to play in my first concert in 3 years! Also, Steve and Jan Gaukroger are here to visit, which is SO exciting, so all in all, this will be an excellent evening and a great weekend :)

October 22, 2012
Things for which I am VERY grateful today: 1. The fact that I am actually NOT enrolled in a math class and have therefore NOT missed every class so far this semester, as I dreamed the situation was last night. 2. I think I might actually sort of be prepared for my jury tomorrow! 3. I get to hang out with Samuel Gaukroger and Briley Foster this evening! 4. The fact that tomorrow I DO get to go to BSF!!! So very blessed - God is so good :)

October 30, 2012
lesson is done, jury results are in (3 passes, YAY!), chair test results are in (5th instead of 4th...essentially no difference!), no studio today, and flute choir concert tonight!!!

FLUTE CHOIR CONCERT WAS AMAZING!!!!! And now I am so tired it's unreal. Looking forward to voice class and getting my second sociology exam out of the way tomorrow...this will be an excellent weekend :)

February 5, 2013
today has been a day overflowing with God's provision! School was awesome today, and financial needs have been met as well. And who doesn't love a good dinner with Rachel Halla, Megan Robinson and Natalie Rizvi? I know I definitely do :) So grateful for wonderful friends and a God who really sees and provides for everything perfectly!

March 20, 2013
Getting ready for tomorrow - I get to go to Austin with some wonderful people from school to play bass flute at the Capitol building at the swearing-in ceremony of a senator (Silvia Garcia, I think) who happens to be a TWU alum!  I also get to miss all my classes :) pretty excited for this opportunity!...except that our call time to meet is at 5:45am, ugh.  But still, it'll be an awesome day :)


I'm seriously so glad to see the change in my life, attitude, maturity level and heart.  God deserves every bit of credit for doing amazing things in my life.  2 Thessalonians 1:5 "All this is proof that God's judgment is right..."

oh, how He loves

Some music and lyrics that have been on my mind this weekend - I've bolded the phrases I've found to be particularly noteworthy.


Where are You, God of the heavens above?
Why do You hide from our pain?
With questions and weeping I call on You now
Your presence is all that I need

I bring my confusion, helpless request
This empty and transient world
To the God who has answered me well in the past
The God who's acquainted with pain...

I will trust in the One who's established His might
The Servant who's reigning on high
Whose unfailing mercy is solid and clear
I patiently wait here in peace
His presence is all that I need
(Where Are You, God? by Sharon Tedford)


God says, “Rebuild the road!
Clear away the rocks and stones
so my people can return from captivity.”
¹⁵The high and lofty one who lives in eternity,
the Holy One, says this:
“I live in the high and holy place
with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.
I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.
¹⁶ For I will not fight against you forever;
I will not always be angry.
If I were, all people would pass away—
all the souls I have made. 
~Isaiah 57:14-16, ESV

¹⁷ The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
~Psalm 34:17-18, NLT

Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You.  ~Psalm 63:3, ESV

² For you are the God in whom I take refuge;
why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?

³ Send out your light and your truth;
let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
and to your dwelling!⁴ Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.

⁵ Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

~Psalm 43:2-5, ESV

 

²⁵ I know that my Redeemer lives,and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
²⁶ And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God.

~Job 19:25-26, NIV 1984

 

 

Perfect salvation, all is at rest

I in my Savior am happy and blessed

Watching and waiting, looking above

Filled with His goodness, I am lost in His love!
(Blessed Assurance by Fanny Crosby)

 

 

Death could not keep Him imprisoned

He burst through the shackles of hell

He settled the score with the evil one

and heaven applauds the King

The fullness of Christ is my treasure

I've cast off the past with its shame

The power of the Father has raised me to life

I'm a son, I'm forgiven and free!
(Pageant of Triumph by Dave Fellingham)

 

 

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8:31-39, NIV 1984

 

 

I hear the Savior say, "Thy strength indeed is small

Child of weakness, watch and pray

Find in Me thine all in all."

 

Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
(Jesus Paid It All by Elvina M. Hall)

loves like a hurricane

Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.  (NIV 1984)

Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise You!  (NLT)

Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You.  (ESV)

Because Thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise Thee.  (KJV)

In Your generous love I am really living at last!  My lips brim praises like fountains.  (MSG)

~Psalm 63:3




I cannot wrap my head around this verse.  I totally understand the logic of it: if you believe that God's love is better than life itself, it seems only natural that your response would indeed be praise.  But what does it mean that God's love is better than life??  Better than life.  God's love is better than life!  I just can't quite get my head around that phrase.  What does it mean in my life?

(I looked for commentaries on this verse and found a paragraph written by Timothy Cruso, a 17th century English Puritan who was supposedly friends with Daniel Defoe)

"The love of life is a very frequent and pernicious snare, which a sense of God's love must deliver us from being entangled by."  I had to look up the word pernicious to get a full sense of the meaning, and it means "having a harmful effect, especially in a gradual or subtle way."  Cruso could not be more spot-on in this sentence.  What things in my life entangle me?  My love of comfort, for sure.  Being comfortably fed can become a huge trap for me if I let it.  Being entertained by books or movies, instead of doing homework or practicing.  Staying home and watching TV instead of going out and investing in relationships I know God is calling me to strengthen.  Spending my money on clothes and accessories for myself, when I know I need to be saving it or giving it to His Church instead.  But God is so much bigger, so deserving of honor and glory and praise - how can I possibly love "life" better than Him??  What is "life" if not a gift straight from God, to be lived in praise to Him?

"What so desirable as life, if a man have no place in the heart of God? This is the greatest temporal blessing, and nothing can outdo it, but the favour of the God of our life; and this excels indeed. What comparison is there between the breath in our nostrils, and the favour of an eternal God? any more than there is between an everlasting light and a poor vanishing vapour."

I love the bolded phrase.  God is the one who gave me life, yet what comparison can be made between anything else and Him?  "To whom then will you liken God, or what likeness compare with Him?"  (Is 40:18) His love caused Him to send His Son into the world to die for my sins so that I could be saved, redeemed, reconciled, made new.  "And I am convinced that nothing can separate us from God's love."  (Romans 8:38) Paul knew.  Paul understood.  He fully and totally believed with all his heart that God's love was indeed better than life, and he praised Him for that.  After all, what does the verse say? 

"My lips will glorify You."  "My lips shall praise Thee."  "How I praise You!"  "My lips brim praises like fountains."  How can I do this in my own life?  Back to the commentary, this time by Thomas Sheppard...

"Is it possible that any man should love another and not commend him, nor speak of him? If thou hast but a hawk or a hound that thou lovest, thou wilt commend it; and can it stand with love to Christ, yet seldom or never to speak of him nor of his love, never to commend him unto others, that they may fall in love with him also?...Can it stand with this life of love, to be always speaking about worldly affairs, or news at the best; both weekday and Sabbath day, in bed and at board, in good company and in bad, at home and abroad? I tell you, it will be one main reason why you desire to live, that you may make the Lord Jesus known to your children, friends, acquittance, that so in the ages to come his name might ring, and his memorial might be of sweet odour, from generation to generation."

I will be honest and admit that I have very few specific ideas as to how I make my Savior known in my day-to-day life at school.  This will just have to be another thing to add to my endless list of things I need to be praying about.  Meanwhile, I'm still gnawing on the ideas of the verse...

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You."

God, show me what that verse really means and how I can tangibly live out that verse at school, at home and in my community.  I recognize the astounding truths in that verse - now help me understand them and practice them!

awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

2013 is finally here!!!!!  As amazing as 2012 was in so many ways, I am so grateful for this new year (which is already almost into February, I can't BELIEVE it!).  This year is a whole new start for me.  I will spend this entire year in school, for one thing, which also means I will spend it in Denton.  If I'm lucky.  Things I am praying for:

• I SOOOOO want a job in Denton over the summer.  If all else fails, I will go back to my Chick-fil-A in Dallas, but honestly, I maxed out there about three years ago.  I'd really, really like to move beyond that store.  And I'd really, really like to stay in Denton for the summer.  So I'd love a job still in the food service industry - maybe Starbucks, maybe a waitress job, or even if I could work at one of the Denton CFAs, that would be better than having to move back to Dallas...so very much wondering what God has in mind to do!
• I would also love, love, LOVE to go on a mission trip of some kind over the summer.  Ideally I would like to go back to the Bowery in NYC, but I would also be beyond excited to spend a week or so at BSF headquarters in San Antonio.  Much closer and much more affordable and much easier to arrange than the Bowery.  Again, very much hoping God has some sort of opportunity like this up His sleeve for me this summer... :)
• My roommate situation come July.  My lease on my apartment is up then, and Sam keeps talking as though he's moving out then, which - well, he knows what he's doing at least slightly better than I do, but really, who on earth can say what he'll end up doing come July.  If he moves out, I'll need a roommate or else a heck of a lot more money than I can currently imagine having.  And there are very few people I can imagine living with in any situation, and even fewer who I can think of who would actually be able/willing to move in with me.  I desperately do not want to move out of my apartment, like I so so so so SOOOOOO BAD DO NOT WANT TO MOVE.  So God might have to do something crazy in July to find me a roommate!!!

All in all, God is going to be doing some crazy, crazy, unexpected things in my life when the spring semester is over.  I'm a bit nervous anticipating it all, because honestly it will have to be SO crazy!  This time in August, I wonder what will be going on...I'll never be able to imagine it, so good thing God's got it all in His way and His time.  Honestly, it sucks that His time and my time are so damn different.  Ugh.  I'm still not entirely convinced He's seen my version of the way this summer should go, because really, I've got it all worked out.  If His way lines up with mine, great!  We're all winners.  I just wish He would tell me beforehand, so I can be totally sure...sigh.  "But my thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways, declares the LORD Almighty..."

Anyway, this semester so far is going excellently.  I'm taking Conducting, Vocal Ensemble, Understanding the Arts, private flute lessons, Flute Choir (for which I am playing bass flute, so cool!!!), Wind Symphony (for which I sit second chair next to my friend Stephanie, YAY!!!!), and Women in Music.  Everything I am learning is fascinating and actually useful and beneficial to my education as a musician and a music educator.  (Kind of a redundant sentence, but you know what I mean.)  I'm really just so pleased with my life at TWU.  It's finally beginning to resemble the life I wanted when I first came to Denton in 2008.  We've still got a bit of a ways to go, but slowly and surely we're getting there.  Really, God's goodness to me is abounding this semester.

I'm also so, so grateful for my group of BSF girls!!!  We are really bonding as a group, and I am absolutely loving it.  Since apparently I must be tied to Dallas in some way, BSF is the perfect way.  Despite the fact that it takes up more time than my 3 Tuesday classes combined, I wouldn't give it up if you paid me.

Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only for my King
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee
Filled with messages from Thee

with questions and weeping I call on You now

How in the world do I have pain?

I have NO PAIN.  I live in America, I have rights and freedoms and privileges that millions of people don't even know exist.  There are people in this world who will live and die without ever having the protection of their government, who will never vote in an election, who will be forced to worship something they don't believe in or forbidden to worship the way they choose.  There are children who will never know love and affection from their parents, who will grow up without ever having a shot or a vaccine or even a dose of children's Tylenol.  There are millions of people who haven't eaten food or drunk clean water in weeks.  There are people dying every day, being killed by their own government or neighbors or family members.  And that's present everywhere, across the globe.  What about what's happening in my own neighborhood, on my own street in Denton, Texas?

There are people who haven't spoken to their mothers in years, unless you count screaming obscenities at them.  There are people who give their hearts and their bodies away to anyone who promises them happiness in return, only to be left empty and crushed.  There are people who don't even know their own cousins' first names.  There are people whose loved ones are dying, or stricken with a disease or disability.  There are people who are filled with hate, with anger, with self-loathing, with depression.  There are people whose lives are hollow, meaningless, despite their families or their jobs or the routines of life they choose to continue, day after meaningless day.  There are people who have no joy.  There are people who are truly experiencing pain.

My heart bleeds for them.  My heart screams out for them.  I don't know what to do with this pain, and sometimes I don't even recognize it as my own.  I understand now why people will intentionally cut themselves: maybe they are trying to focus, for once, on a pain that makes perfect sense.  Another good reason to do it: that pain can be cured.  Easily.  Stop the bleeding, apply a Band-aid, and in about 30 minutes that pain should be gone. 

There's no solution to an aching heart.  How on earth can this pain be dealt with?  What prescription can fix it? 

Scripture.  James 1:27.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  (NLT)

Caring for the needy in their distress.  Caring for the needy!  There are so many needy people everywhere you look.  The task at hand is overwhelming.  Where to start?  Oh, God, tell me where to start!  I have no idea!  There are too many broken people, including myself, and I can't do this task.  I can't help anyone unless You show me where to start and how to do it.

I want to care for the needy in New York City, and I want to start by caring for the needy in Denton, Texas.  I want to care for the homeless, the outcasts, the former members of society.  I want to love them and meet some basic, general needs.  I want to help teens who have everything, know everything, understand everything, but don't care.  I want to lead Bible studies for them, have the guts to call them out on their behavior, address their issues, see them fail, broken, repentant, successful.  I want to build a life as a servant of Christ, who lived as He did and loved as He did. 

How can I have any pain of my own, other than that of seeing the pain of lives lived without Christ?  Literally, where does any other kind of pain come from in me??  I do not understand. 

May the love of Jesus fill me as the waters fill the sea; Him exalting, self abasing - this is victory.

May the peace of Christ my Savior rule my life in everything, that I may be calm to comfort sick and sorrowing.

May His beauty rest upon me as I seek the lost to win, and may they forget the channel, seeing only Him.

"God comforts.  He doesn't pity.  He picks us up, dries our tears, soothes our fears, and lifts our thoughts beyond the hurt."  ~Robert Schuller

"God walks with us.... He scoops us up in His arms or simply sits with us in silent strength until we cannot avoid the awesome recognition that yes, even now, He is here."  ~Gloria Gaither

"Time passed in silence with God is time spent growing in relationship with Him.  And time spent letting His love flow through you to others is an investment in eternity."  ~Amy and Judge Reinhold

I am becoming more and more sure of a few things:

1.  I will spend time in Denton, wherever else I live, and in New York City caring for the homeless.  I will find ways to do this in Denton via my church, Christ Community Church, and I will go back someday to the Bowery Mission in NYC and participate in the amazing ministry there for the third time in my life.

2.  I will be an educator of some sort and I will work with children, primarily teens, and I will educate them not just in music or English or history or - God forbid - algebra, but how to live.  How to come alive, how to actually care about life once again, how to live with joy because of Jesus.

3.  Someday - someday - I will most likely get married.  And if I do get married - and possibly even if I don't - I will do foster care and/or adoption.  There are too many children who need safe, loving, Christ-filled homes to stay in for me to not open my own home to them. 

4.  Because of the above things that will happen, I fully anticipate times in the next fifty years of my life when my heart will be so full of love and wonder and happiness and joy that I'll hardly be able to bear it.  I will be able to do nothing but fall on my knees and praise and worship God for who He is and what He's done!  And then there will be times when my heart will shatter into a thousand pieces and I will absolutely not be able to bear it at all.  I will be so angry at God for allowing me to bear these burdens, to feel this pain and not be able to cure it - yet suffering for Christ is the ultimate privilege.  "So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you."  ~1 Peter 4:19

I can't wait for these stages of life to start.  Oh my goodness, I can't wait.