he's got your personality

I just want to weep. I just want to weep my heart out for the selfishness that is within me. I want to weep for the mistakes I've made that can't be set right. For the depravity of my heart. For my lack of wisdom.



Lord Jesus, I confess that I have sinned against You in thought, word and deed,

by what I have done

and by what I have left undone.

I have not loved You with my whole heart,

nor loved my neighbor as myself.

I am truly sorry, and I humbly repent!!!!!!!

For the sake of Your Son, Jesus Christ,

have mercy on me and forgive me,

that I may delight in Your will

and walk in Your ways

to the glory of Your Name.

Amen.


Lord, give me strength to correct my mistakes, to move on in a good direction, give me wisdom to make good choices, and as it would please You, bring me something to do in which I can serve others as Your servant! Lord, bring me joy. I hate the way I am right now. There is almost no joy in my life.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

once again, small words?

Ohhhhhh no. I am not winning this war against apathy. It is taking control of me.

I never want to go to class. I never want to practice. I never want to study or do homework. I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep and laze around and hang out with my friends. What has happened to me????????? I used to be focused and dedicated, and even happy to be at school! I was reading some things I wrote last year, when I first went to TWU, and I said I was really enjoying being there and learning what I was learning. And now, I could care less about TWU.

Every time people try to suggest things that I could do to improve my life, my heart rises up in rebellion against their suggestions. For example: I have no friends at school. So just about everyone has suggested I join a Campus Crusade. And as I smile and nod and shrug in a nonchalant way, I am mentally screaming "NO! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO JOIN A CAMPUS CRUSADE!!!!!" I don't want to pledge a sorority, I don't want to join any student organizations. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And even the Village Church - I just don't know about it. I mean, don't get me wrong - Matt Chandler is amazing, and the way he speaks the truth in love is something I can only dream of accomplishing. But the Village is just so different from the churches I've been part of, and I don't like it. I want to go to Sunday School and church choir! I don't want church to be quite so contemporary!

Oh my gosh. How selfish do I sound? Everything is about me!!! My comforts, my wants, my desires. I can't be bothered to do anything but meet my own needs. God, this is so horrible. I am such a selfish person. How did I let myself get to this point? How did this happen?

I have tried to pray, but my black heart seems to be dead. All I can do is call up the words that have been written, and know in my mind that they are true, even if my heart will not feel it...

"Remember these things, O Jacob. Take it seriously, Israel, that you're my sevant. I made you, shaped you: You're my servant. O Israel, I'll never forget you. I've wiped the slate of all your wrongdoings. There's nothing left of your sins. Come back to me, come back. I've redeemed you.

High heavens, sing! God has done it. Deep earth, shout! And you mountains, sing! A forest choir of oaks and pines and cedars! God has redeemed Jacob. God's glory is on display in Israel." ~Isaiah 44:20-24, from The Message


Somehow there is hope. I know there is. It rests within my reach. I don't always have to be this selfish, this stupid, this apathetic. I can only pray that I will have the strength to change myself. Repent. 180 degree turn, opposite direction, new way of life. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" Technically, I was made new thirteen years ago. One would think I would have grown and matured, but I am still drinking spiritual milk. Oh, my spiritual understanding and thinking is so simple! I hate the way I am right now. I absolutely hate it, but I have not the strength to end it. God does, but I have yet to stretch out my hand and take it from Him.

I hear the Savior say
thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
find in Me thine all in all!

why didn't you tell me, Jenny?

So today is the first Sunday of the new Village Dallas campus!!!! I am going to the five o'clock service tonight...if I am not lazy and apathetic about it, both of which I am feeling right now. Oh great. But there is the fact that I didn't go to TFC this morning to at least guilt me into going, if not motivate me. It is soooooooo sad that I have to be guilted into going to church today. UGH, that is just so not okay on any level!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't I want to go to church?????

Well, because it's not easy. Because I've never been there. Because for once in my life I have to submit and let that church take care of me and teach me before I can help teach others. I don't like to do that much. I don't like to submit. I'm willing enough to be bailed out, but I don't like it and I wish I could just get a grip on myself. I'm so tired of having to be bailed out...

I have so much music to practice, it's not even funny. And I'm not even giving a recital this semester...I'd like to do one next semester though!!!!!

Waking up with a headache is a horrible thing, and doesn't bode well for the rest of the day.

here, have some pie

School ought to be good this semester. I say ought to...the only thing that will be a huge annoyance (so far!) is that because I'm a music education major, I have to help out with all kinds of middle school and high school choir and band contests and events. Which means driving to Denton even MORE often, which is upsetting. I have already used SO much gas this week, it's insane.

New goal: memorize one verse of Scripture every week. I haven't actively memorized Scripture since about ninth grade. Sad day. And I have a feeling that there will come a time in my life where all I will have is the Scripture that is stored in my heart...so I want to be ready for that time, whenever it comes and however long it lasts, a day, a week, a year...

Two missions for the month of September: send my friends at school care packages (with homemade goodies and HANDWRITTEN letters!!!), and make a Taylor Swift cake. That's right, a Taylor Swift cake. You'll see what I mean.

Something I've noticed...I was in a great mood when I got to school these past few days because on the way there, I sang along with my old choir CDs, most of which are sacred songs. And an hour of singing my heart out, praising God through music, is an INCREDIBLE start to any day!!! That is what God always meant for me to do: praise Him through music. And when you do what He meant you to do...life makes sense.

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing
Sent Him to die - I scarce can take it in!
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin!!!

Then sings my soul! My Savior God to Thee!
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art
HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!

I really, really like to play with trees

I've been reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. It tells her story as she grew up in Holland with her deeply Christian family, then chronicles her activities in hiding Jews during the German occupation of Holland during WWII. And it tells of her arrest and subsequent time in prison and concentration camps.

Now I've read this book before, but somehow whenever I would read it, I never really pictured it. I sort of conjured up Holocaust pictures I've seen, but it was never really real. This time as I read, I put myself in Corrie's place. When she tells of her arrest, I pictured soldiers coming into MY house and forcing me and my parents to leave it. What would it be like, to be in your house, where you normally feel safe and secure, and how surreal would it be to just leave it? It would still look normal, but you would be leaving, perhaps forever. When Corrie and her sister Betsie were separated from their father and brothers, I pictured leaving my dad behind, never knowing if I would see him again. And when Corrie and Betsie arrived at the concentration camp, I went into the barracks with them, squeezed into claustrophobic bunks where there wasn't enough room to sit up or roll over, and the place was crawling with fleas. All the while sustaining myself from the Scripture that they always had with them.

Reading that book has now given me a thirst for more Scripture! As it says in Psalm 19:9-11: "The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward."

The Scriptures are worth more than MUCH pure gold. They were worth more than food and rest to Corrie and Betsie ten Boom while they were in a concentration camp. And I want them to be worth more to me than anything else I do. I want my music to be more important to me this semester. I want to work as unto the LORD, not for men, since I know that I will receive an inheritance from the LORD as my reward! I want to do everything, whether I eat or drink or whatever I do, unto the glory of God. Soli deo Gloria.

School starts tomorrow. I only pray that this semester will be for Him. Because if it is for Him, it will be good. It will be amazing.

Can you deal with this....

Just so you are aware, my subject lines will basically NEVER have anything to do with the contents of my posts.

For example, tonight I am going to write a few thoughts about marriage. I just took a facebook quiz, "When will you get married?" and my result was that I will not get married until I am FIFTY YEARS OLD!!!

That's one fear of mine, actually - that I will never get married and have children. I want to do both of those things SO BADLY...I think. Never having been in a relationship, I suppose it could be argued that I have no idea if I really do want to get married, because I have absolutely no idea what it would really be like. I can observe my parents and other married couples and how they interact, but I don't know what it's like to share a room and a bed with your spouse, to have to sacrifice time and decisions and things for your spouse, to resolve fights and celebrate anniversaries, to have that kind of emotional and physical intimacy with someone. I don't know what it's like to have a child, to worry about your child and love it and protect it and be responsible for teaching it and feeding it and sheltering it and loving it, all wondering if you're doing it the right way and the best way.

And I know I'm not ready for either marriage or children, but the thought that I might never have either one is too much. And since I'm nearly 21 and have yet to go on my first date, it just sort of sits at the back of my brain, not a big deal, but I still know it's there. Sort of a very quiet nag. You're nearly 21...and NOTHING.

Fortunately, I am usually able to drown out said nag with the awesome verse that is Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows the desires of my heart better than I do, and He will give them to me if I put Him first. The question is.......DO I PUT HIM FIRST?

Not often enough. That is where this blog comes in handy. This blog is my chronicle of my delight in the Lord. The other day, my mom said something that really struck me: she said that if she had all the time in the world to do whatever she wanted, all she would want to do would be cook and study the Bible. I couldn't say the same. I don't have a burning desire to study the Bible right now. But I want to have that desire. I want to be overwhelmed by God. I want Him to stir in me a passion that my heart cannot contain!!!!!

It's an odd thing, to desire a desire. I wonder how that will work out...

boring!

Today was a boring day. I only worked 11-4, then I went to part of a skate party (which was really fun!!!), and then I discovered I had a lot of laundry to do. In fact, I'm still doing it. I need it all to be washed for next week when school starts. Before then, it doesn't really matter, since I'm pretty much only going to be wearing my work clothes and pajamas before then. I still have 33 hours to work this week.

I have also re-discovered the fact that I hate saying goodbye. Tooooooo many of my friends are not in Dallas. I hated to say goodbye to my England friends in June, and I hated saying goodbye to my friends who have left for school. Now my youth leader is moving to Washington, and SIX of my work friends have left Chick-fil-A, all but one permanently. It really, really sucks to say goodbye.

More to come later...as I said, it was a pretty boring day today.