24 hours until this terrible, awful, horrible, no-good, very bad semester will be finished. I have one notebook to assemble and one jury to get through (and it will be quite a haul, I'm sure), and then it will be all over. I can't even begin to go into what has happened this semester. Suffice it to say that these 5 weeks off are so very sorely needed.

I haven't even really registered the fact that it's Christmas. I just heard the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year", and it truly is, but I haven't been able to see that at all, with this burden of sin and shame upon my shoulders. I have some wonderfully caring professors for whom I am very thankful and grateful, and in 24 hours, everything will be over. I can begin to truly heal.

I have just been so neglectful this semester of my health. My physical health, emotional health, mental health, and especially my spiritual health. I am very spiritually starved. This makes me extra grateful for BSF and the beautiful Scriptures.

Thank you, Lord, for Your everlasting and healing Word. Let it heal my soul, which is currently so very ill and broken.

JOY TO THE WORLD, THE LORD IS COME!!!!!!!!

healing...?

Well, this has been the worst semester of my whole life. Hands down. I don't want to go into exactly why. Suffice it to say that absolutely EVERYTHING that is wrong with me, my inherent sin nature, the family problems I've inherited from parents and grandparents, the biggest issues that I've always struggled with, combined with certain physical issues that have suddenly sprung up, have left me so very broken.

I've struggled with apathy and depression this semester.

I've struggled with physical pain and nausea.

I've struggled with loneliness. I have never been so alone in my life.

The day I told my parents I needed help was awful. The day after was worse. During that time I must have cried about twelve times in nine days. I've never felt so broken in my life.

But I did tell my parents. I do have their support and love. I have been to the doctor and have begun to experience relief. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and received my Father's love and mercy and forgiveness. It is amazing, how precious His love becomes when you are broken! And it's kind of sad that I had to be broken to experience just how sweet His promises are.

I have to give a little shoutout here to Sharon Tedford, whose amazing worship CD helped me so very much. I have been listening to it over and over again, and her amazing voice and the amazing words she's written and reminded me of have brought me so much comfort. Examples...

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!!! Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!!!

Let God arise with shouts of joy, with songs of praise and trumpets sound, let music play and hearts be free, let God arise!!!

Father, give us courage to open up our hearts and speak of Your freedom from the shame of sin, freedom from the hurt within, captivate us Jesus and bring us freedom! Free to hope and free to love, free to serve a needy world, use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives set free!!!

Thank you, Sharon, for the comfort your wonderful music brought and continues to bring me.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for loving and guiding me through all this ridiculousness that I feel powerless against.

Thank you, Steph, Amy, Briley, Rachel, Grace and Libby for praying for me and being listening ears when I needed you.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the strength to ask for help and for the wisdom of those who are currently helping me. I pray that You will help me to change, to wipe out the folly in my heart, to stop abusing the wonderful gifts that You have so mercifully blessed me with. I pray that I will bring You glory always, and that I will grow ever closer to You. Please help me to find a church where I can flourish and serve You well, and make new friends. Help me to be able to reach beyond myself and my needs. I love You so very, very much. I am nothing without You.

he's got your personality

I just want to weep. I just want to weep my heart out for the selfishness that is within me. I want to weep for the mistakes I've made that can't be set right. For the depravity of my heart. For my lack of wisdom.



Lord Jesus, I confess that I have sinned against You in thought, word and deed,

by what I have done

and by what I have left undone.

I have not loved You with my whole heart,

nor loved my neighbor as myself.

I am truly sorry, and I humbly repent!!!!!!!

For the sake of Your Son, Jesus Christ,

have mercy on me and forgive me,

that I may delight in Your will

and walk in Your ways

to the glory of Your Name.

Amen.


Lord, give me strength to correct my mistakes, to move on in a good direction, give me wisdom to make good choices, and as it would please You, bring me something to do in which I can serve others as Your servant! Lord, bring me joy. I hate the way I am right now. There is almost no joy in my life.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

once again, small words?

Ohhhhhh no. I am not winning this war against apathy. It is taking control of me.

I never want to go to class. I never want to practice. I never want to study or do homework. I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep and laze around and hang out with my friends. What has happened to me????????? I used to be focused and dedicated, and even happy to be at school! I was reading some things I wrote last year, when I first went to TWU, and I said I was really enjoying being there and learning what I was learning. And now, I could care less about TWU.

Every time people try to suggest things that I could do to improve my life, my heart rises up in rebellion against their suggestions. For example: I have no friends at school. So just about everyone has suggested I join a Campus Crusade. And as I smile and nod and shrug in a nonchalant way, I am mentally screaming "NO! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO JOIN A CAMPUS CRUSADE!!!!!" I don't want to pledge a sorority, I don't want to join any student organizations. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And even the Village Church - I just don't know about it. I mean, don't get me wrong - Matt Chandler is amazing, and the way he speaks the truth in love is something I can only dream of accomplishing. But the Village is just so different from the churches I've been part of, and I don't like it. I want to go to Sunday School and church choir! I don't want church to be quite so contemporary!

Oh my gosh. How selfish do I sound? Everything is about me!!! My comforts, my wants, my desires. I can't be bothered to do anything but meet my own needs. God, this is so horrible. I am such a selfish person. How did I let myself get to this point? How did this happen?

I have tried to pray, but my black heart seems to be dead. All I can do is call up the words that have been written, and know in my mind that they are true, even if my heart will not feel it...

"Remember these things, O Jacob. Take it seriously, Israel, that you're my sevant. I made you, shaped you: You're my servant. O Israel, I'll never forget you. I've wiped the slate of all your wrongdoings. There's nothing left of your sins. Come back to me, come back. I've redeemed you.

High heavens, sing! God has done it. Deep earth, shout! And you mountains, sing! A forest choir of oaks and pines and cedars! God has redeemed Jacob. God's glory is on display in Israel." ~Isaiah 44:20-24, from The Message


Somehow there is hope. I know there is. It rests within my reach. I don't always have to be this selfish, this stupid, this apathetic. I can only pray that I will have the strength to change myself. Repent. 180 degree turn, opposite direction, new way of life. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" Technically, I was made new thirteen years ago. One would think I would have grown and matured, but I am still drinking spiritual milk. Oh, my spiritual understanding and thinking is so simple! I hate the way I am right now. I absolutely hate it, but I have not the strength to end it. God does, but I have yet to stretch out my hand and take it from Him.

I hear the Savior say
thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
find in Me thine all in all!

why didn't you tell me, Jenny?

So today is the first Sunday of the new Village Dallas campus!!!! I am going to the five o'clock service tonight...if I am not lazy and apathetic about it, both of which I am feeling right now. Oh great. But there is the fact that I didn't go to TFC this morning to at least guilt me into going, if not motivate me. It is soooooooo sad that I have to be guilted into going to church today. UGH, that is just so not okay on any level!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't I want to go to church?????

Well, because it's not easy. Because I've never been there. Because for once in my life I have to submit and let that church take care of me and teach me before I can help teach others. I don't like to do that much. I don't like to submit. I'm willing enough to be bailed out, but I don't like it and I wish I could just get a grip on myself. I'm so tired of having to be bailed out...

I have so much music to practice, it's not even funny. And I'm not even giving a recital this semester...I'd like to do one next semester though!!!!!

Waking up with a headache is a horrible thing, and doesn't bode well for the rest of the day.

here, have some pie

School ought to be good this semester. I say ought to...the only thing that will be a huge annoyance (so far!) is that because I'm a music education major, I have to help out with all kinds of middle school and high school choir and band contests and events. Which means driving to Denton even MORE often, which is upsetting. I have already used SO much gas this week, it's insane.

New goal: memorize one verse of Scripture every week. I haven't actively memorized Scripture since about ninth grade. Sad day. And I have a feeling that there will come a time in my life where all I will have is the Scripture that is stored in my heart...so I want to be ready for that time, whenever it comes and however long it lasts, a day, a week, a year...

Two missions for the month of September: send my friends at school care packages (with homemade goodies and HANDWRITTEN letters!!!), and make a Taylor Swift cake. That's right, a Taylor Swift cake. You'll see what I mean.

Something I've noticed...I was in a great mood when I got to school these past few days because on the way there, I sang along with my old choir CDs, most of which are sacred songs. And an hour of singing my heart out, praising God through music, is an INCREDIBLE start to any day!!! That is what God always meant for me to do: praise Him through music. And when you do what He meant you to do...life makes sense.

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing
Sent Him to die - I scarce can take it in!
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin!!!

Then sings my soul! My Savior God to Thee!
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art
HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!

I really, really like to play with trees

I've been reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. It tells her story as she grew up in Holland with her deeply Christian family, then chronicles her activities in hiding Jews during the German occupation of Holland during WWII. And it tells of her arrest and subsequent time in prison and concentration camps.

Now I've read this book before, but somehow whenever I would read it, I never really pictured it. I sort of conjured up Holocaust pictures I've seen, but it was never really real. This time as I read, I put myself in Corrie's place. When she tells of her arrest, I pictured soldiers coming into MY house and forcing me and my parents to leave it. What would it be like, to be in your house, where you normally feel safe and secure, and how surreal would it be to just leave it? It would still look normal, but you would be leaving, perhaps forever. When Corrie and her sister Betsie were separated from their father and brothers, I pictured leaving my dad behind, never knowing if I would see him again. And when Corrie and Betsie arrived at the concentration camp, I went into the barracks with them, squeezed into claustrophobic bunks where there wasn't enough room to sit up or roll over, and the place was crawling with fleas. All the while sustaining myself from the Scripture that they always had with them.

Reading that book has now given me a thirst for more Scripture! As it says in Psalm 19:9-11: "The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward."

The Scriptures are worth more than MUCH pure gold. They were worth more than food and rest to Corrie and Betsie ten Boom while they were in a concentration camp. And I want them to be worth more to me than anything else I do. I want my music to be more important to me this semester. I want to work as unto the LORD, not for men, since I know that I will receive an inheritance from the LORD as my reward! I want to do everything, whether I eat or drink or whatever I do, unto the glory of God. Soli deo Gloria.

School starts tomorrow. I only pray that this semester will be for Him. Because if it is for Him, it will be good. It will be amazing.