Well, this has been the worst semester of my whole life. Hands down. I don't want to go into exactly why. Suffice it to say that absolutely EVERYTHING that is wrong with me, my inherent sin nature, the family problems I've inherited from parents and grandparents, the biggest issues that I've always struggled with, combined with certain physical issues that have suddenly sprung up, have left me so very broken.
I've struggled with apathy and depression this semester.
I've struggled with physical pain and nausea.
I've struggled with loneliness. I have never been so alone in my life.
The day I told my parents I needed help was awful. The day after was worse. During that time I must have cried about twelve times in nine days. I've never felt so broken in my life.
But I did tell my parents. I do have their support and love. I have been to the doctor and have begun to experience relief. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and received my Father's love and mercy and forgiveness. It is amazing, how precious His love becomes when you are broken! And it's kind of sad that I had to be broken to experience just how sweet His promises are.
I have to give a little shoutout here to Sharon Tedford, whose amazing worship CD helped me so very much. I have been listening to it over and over again, and her amazing voice and the amazing words she's written and reminded me of have brought me so much comfort. Examples...
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!!! Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!!!
Let God arise with shouts of joy, with songs of praise and trumpets sound, let music play and hearts be free, let God arise!!!
Father, give us courage to open up our hearts and speak of Your freedom from the shame of sin, freedom from the hurt within, captivate us Jesus and bring us freedom! Free to hope and free to love, free to serve a needy world, use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives set free!!!
Thank you, Sharon, for the comfort your wonderful music brought and continues to bring me.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for loving and guiding me through all this ridiculousness that I feel powerless against.
Thank you, Steph, Amy, Briley, Rachel, Grace and Libby for praying for me and being listening ears when I needed you.
Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the strength to ask for help and for the wisdom of those who are currently helping me. I pray that You will help me to change, to wipe out the folly in my heart, to stop abusing the wonderful gifts that You have so mercifully blessed me with. I pray that I will bring You glory always, and that I will grow ever closer to You. Please help me to find a church where I can flourish and serve You well, and make new friends. Help me to be able to reach beyond myself and my needs. I love You so very, very much. I am nothing without You.
