Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes, and leap!
It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
and you can't bring me down!
Thusly is my life described right now. I am in a race against the clock. I have set myself ten days to pass my exam, and if it took fewer days than that I would LOVE it. And I'm not even thinking about what happens after I pass my exam - just doing that makes me panic. I need money like I've never needed money before. And I think - I think - I can get it in just enough time.
D-Day is no longer June 6...for me it is June 1. And I believe I will know the outcome of June 1 by May 21.
(Random side note: it is entirely possible that I am the most shallow person ever. Just throwing that out there. Thank you and good night.)
Anyway...I gotta study my brains out for that exam, and I WILL pass it on my first try, and I will make money, and I will be ready for whatever God brings me. This feels like a soap opera - everything depends on that exam, and I must pass it, and if I don't, lives will be destroyed and no one can ever find out about my past and my secret love child with the town's police chief because I'm actually a 300-year-old witch and I'm also actually a man...okay too far. But still. This is crazy.
Oh! And I remember now what I was going to say before. This is for all you people out there who have tried to give me advice about my life. Some of you have done that in love and out of a genuine desire to help me, which I so appreciate, but some of you have just done it condescendingly. But honestly, I don't need your advice anymore. The three things that people always say to me are: "You better go back to school, because you'll regret it if you don't." And: "Life insurance sales, hm? That's a tricky, tricky business. Better get a job with steady money, at least on the side, even if you don't really like that job." AND of course, who can forget this one: "Oh, you don't want a boyfriend. Being single is so much easier."
Okay, let's start with statement A. I know, know, KNOW that I will regret it if I don't go back to school!!!!!! Which is why I AM going back!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just because I haven't decided on an exact date doesn't mean I won't go back. I will. I WILL. And if somehow God has a different plan for my life that doesn't involve school, who are YOU to say that I'll regret that? I was very wounded by my experiences in school, and I am not ready to put myself back into that position yet. I am not ready. And you don't know that about me. You don't know what I've been through, and you don't know what God is asking of me, and you don't know the plans He has for me. So stop looking down your nose at me and insisting I take the socially acceptable route, and let me find the route that God has made for me. I will go back to school when I am ready, and until then, let me do what I need to do.
Statement B: I realize that sales is a difficult business, and life insurance is complicated and the exam will be difficult. But again, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!!!!! And also, you don't know anything at all about my company. My company is different from State Farm or Aflac or whatever else you know. You don't know how it works and what I will be doing within the company. I am not your typical insurance salesman. I will be a very atypical insurance salesman. That is not what my company is about. And there is no need to look down your nose at my amazing company, nor is there a need to question my ability to do well on the exam. I will pass it and I will do well at my job. I will. And if you could attempt to be happy for me, that might be nice. But it's whatevs. I really don't care much for you.
Statement C: Oh my gosh. Believe me. I know exactly how easy it is to be single. I have been single for my entire life. And don't think I'm not grateful. I am SO VERY grateful I didn't have a boyfriend in high school. I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend last year, because I probably would have broken up with him. I am so glad to have been single this long, because it truly has made my life that much easier. HOWEVER...I am SO READY to NOT be single anymore!!! I want to know, finally, what being in love is like. I want to remember how it feels to love someone like that, and more importantly, I want to experience for the first time how it feels to have someone love you back. I want so badly to be married and have children. So I appreciate that you might just be trying to make me feel better, but really, you don't know what I want. Clearly, you have no idea what I want, or else you wouldn't have said that. I want to be in a relationship, moving in the direction of marriage, more than almost anything. I don't want to get married immediately - if it makes you feel any better, I will take my own sweet time in my relationships, and not rush into something that is wrong. But please don't tell me that I don't want a boyfriend. I do want one. I do. Whenever you say that I don't, you could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful. But again, it doesn't really matter, because I don't really care very much for you.
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me. And all you're ever gonna be is mean.
All you are is mean.
And a liar.
And pathetic.
And alone in life.
And mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?
