hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

"Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor, looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it."

Thank you, John Mayer, for summing up my feelings right about now.

I am single.  I am so single it's unreal.  And to be honest, I'm so tired of it I could scream.  I have screamed.  I have cried, wept, prayed, pushed it to the back of my mind, smiled, threw myself into my work, laughed, been filled with joy in my God and my ministry and my family and my friends and my life, remembered my singleness, screamed, cried, wept, prayed, and repeated this cycle over and over so many times I can't even count them anymore. 

I don't understand.

I don't understand why I must want to not be single so badly, if I have to spend my whole life single.

I don't understand why no one has ever wanted me.  Or why no one has ever wanted me enough to pursue me.

I don't understand why I've come so very close before, so close I could almost taste what being in a relationship was like - only to have it come to nothing, again. 

I don't understand why I'm twenty-four years old, have never had a boyfriend, have never been on a date, and see absolutely no end to this in sight.

I don't understand why, as my life has been that way, the one thing I've wanted ever since I can remember is to be with someone.  To be married, and have children.  Or at the very least, to be granted the chance to realize that that's not what I want. 

Okay, seriously...this isn't what I came to my blog to post.  Sorry about the pity party, I've just been thinking about this whole topic and I couldn't help vomiting some of my frustrations out here.  Okay.  Get it together, man.  GET IT TOGETHER.  GAAAHHHH.

So for reals, I wanted to discuss what I need to be doing in the meantime, while I'm in this endless period of waiting, and waiting, and waiting...sorry!  Anyway, a few of my friends have been posting blogs on facebook about finding a godly husband.  And while it's extremely important to know what a godly husband should be like and how to find one, really, those posts aren't for many girls right now.  Those posts certainly aren't for me at the moment.  I'm not dating anyone - I don't even have that many guy friends at all right now.  I'm not considering any actual person for a relationship.  Those godly husband posts will be for me at a much further point down the road.

What I need right now is to focus on how to become a godly wife, rather than worry about choosing a godly husband.  If I am not currently making the choice to pursue marriage with any man, why should I worry about what he is like?  I need to instead focus on making myself into the wife I would want my husband to have.  After all - "An excellent wife who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels."  (Proverbs 31:10) 

• She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
• She dresses herself with strength, and makes her arms strong.
• She opens her hands to the poor, and reaches out her hand to the needy.
• Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
• She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
• Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

What man would not want to marry a woman like this?  What woman would not want her husband and her family to perceive her in this way?

How can I become such a woman?

(Thank you, BSF lectures, for helping me with this!)

--Depend on God in prayer (from Genesis 25:19-34)
Isaac had inherited God's promise of descendents to Abraham, but Rebekah was barren.  Isaac didn't try to "help" God along, as Abraham did when he agreed to sleep with Hagar - Isaac went straight to God.  Even when God gives us a promise, He still wants us to come to Him and ask Him for it. 
Matthew 7:11 "how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask!"  Philippians 4:14 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."  Isaiah 41:10 "And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desires in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you will be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail." 
What promise of God do I need to ask Him to fulfill?  How will I ask him?  When?

--God's providential plans cannot be earned, changed or lost by our efforts (from Genesis 25:19-34)
God had promised Isaac and Rebekah children, and they believed enough to ask repeatedly in faith for Him to fulfill that promise.
Our circumstances don't necessarily make us who we are, they reveal who we are.
Being single makes me angry, and depressed, and lonely.   Being single reveals that I am seeking elsewhere than God to satisfy my heart, and that I need to learn to love Him and submit to Him completely whole-heartedly.
God's love is never partial or performance-based.
When Esau came to Jacob famished and seeking food, he could have gotten other food easily rather than sell his birthright.  On the other hand, Jacob could have cared for Esau and shown him hospitality and kindess, rather than trying to greedily hurry God's promise along that he would get the birthright.  Jacob loved the right things - God's promised blessing - but in the wrong way.  Esau loved the wrong things altogether - and there is no right way to love the wrong things.
God's gifts are personally handed out, not tossed up for grabs. 
When and how am I tempted to use a worldly way to get what I want, even if it's a promise God has made me?
Are my hands gracious, or grabby like Jacob's?  Does my life offer praise or demands from God?  Jesus freely shares His own spiritual inheritance...how can I be so selfish and greedy as to grab it from His hand before the time is right?

--God's discipline is intended to be transformational (from Genesis 29-31)
When Jacob met Rachel, all he noticed was her physical beauty.  He didn't ask God if she was "the one," nor did he discern anything about her character, completely unlike Abraham's servant who was sent to search for a wife for Isaac.  The servant put his faith in God and prayerfully considered Rebekah's character.  And when Leah and Rachel were both married to Jacob, Rachel never humbly asked God for children - she demanded that Jacob give her children and Leah give her mandrakes.  God wants us to change, to make decisions that glorify Him.
How must I change?  How do I respond to God when new people and new relationships come into my life?  In what ways can I use those relationships to make God's name known?  To bring Him glory?

What do I want, and how am I trying to get it?? 

How can I become more like a godly wife, while I wait here, single, with no end in sight?