Monday, June 3, 2013

I want a feast - I want a bean feast!

The Fellowship of the Ring is sidetracked into another strange situation, this being ending up at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory...

Legolas: Where the heck are we?

Frodo: Crud! We're cursed!

Boromir: So where are we now?

Gandalf: Wonka something or other.

Aragorn: Is there a door?

Boromir: We're standing in front of it, stupid!

Aragorn: Oh.

Merry: The sign says 'Ring bell and enter.'

Gandalf: There's got to be some catch. You don't just ring a bell and enter. What must we
do? What's the password?

Gimli: This isn't the bloody mines of Moria! Just ring the bell!

Pippin: Duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.

Gandalf rings the bell. The bell plays the tune of 'Pure Imagination.'
Legolas: Ugh, what a ghastly little tune.

They wait outside for the door to open for ten minutes.

Gimli: Open the bloody door or I'll chop it into sawdust with my axe!

Willy comes to the door (finally) and opens it a crack to talk to the Fellowship.
Willy: What do you want?

Gandalf: Hello to you too. It's so nice to hear you've retained your politeness.

Willy: Why should I be polite? That Charlie Bucket kid owns Wonka Industries now.
Unfortunately when I granted that little beast ownership of my enterprise I was high. I bet you never knew wonderful Willy Wonka smoked pot.

Gandalf: No I did not, nor did I ever really have the urge to know.

Merry: Well, that explains your constantly being a nut case.

Willy: I'm afraid that comes naturally.

Legolas: Reeeeeeeeeeeally.

Gandalf: Anyway, would you care to let us in?

Merry: We're cold and hungry here.

Pippin: YES! Excessively hungry!

There is silence.


Willy: Willy hears you. Willy just doesn't care.

Frodo: Let us in! Let us in NOW!

Sam: I've got a frying pan and I know how to use it!

There is more silence.

Gandalf: Forget that stupid scuzzbag.

Legolas: That hat of his is sooooooo tacky.

Suddenly, at the word 'tacky,' a frazzled Willy Wonka opens the door and brandishes that annoying cane of his at Legolas.
Willy: TAKE THAT BACK!!!!!

Legolas: Well, it is tacky.

Willy: YOU put it on then! Go on!

Legolas reluctantly puts on the hat.
Aragorn: Wow. That actually looks good!

Boromir: Yeah. What's your trick, elf boy, in making tacky things look good?

Legolas: Anything looks good on beautiful people.

Gimli: Pppphhhhttttt.

Willy: You might as well all come in now. It's not like the candy's going anywhere soon. Charlie has a whole giant store of it. He's taken over the chocolate room. He's even considered shipping the Oompa-Loompas back to the land of Vermicious Knids, but I threatened to expose the fizzy lifting drinks "episode" to the public.

Merry: I thought you said he wouldn't notice, Pip!

Willy: Notice what?

Pippin: Nothing, nothing.

Sam: Can we please come in now, Mr. Wonka?

Willy: Yeah, sure. Just walk through the door. You'll see some freaky stuff, and when you get to another door, just wait there and I'll let you into the chocolate room, for that is why you have come, is it not?

Gandalf: No, we--

Pippin: Of course! A chocolate room! How grand!

Merry: Just spiffy.

Frodo: I wonder what we've gotten ourselves into now.

So the Fellowship goes through the door, sees some freaky stuff, and gets to the other door, which is the door to the chocolate room.
Willy: Check out the wallpaper. It tastes like fruit! I think you can get high off it, though.

Gandalf: Ooooooo!

Pippin starts madly licking the wall.
Pippin: Wow, this is good! It's like a rush! I'm going to lick wallpaper more often now!

Merry: Hey! Stop licking all the taste off the wall! Save some for me!

Frodo: Why? Why did I take them? Why did I take wallpaper lickers with me?!

Legolas: So, about this chocolate room...

Willy: Ah yes! The chocolate room! Well, it's a...a...a...chocolate room...and, uh...yeah.

Boromir: So let us in!

Willy: Yeah, I just always sing this song before I go in and--

Pippin: Cut the crap and bring on the chocolate!

Aragorn: I think I just tasted radishes on this wallpaper.

Willy: Oh, that's just your pure imagination. Which reminds me of a song!

Legolas: No!!!!!!

Gandalf: Oh please don't.

Willy (singing): There is no life I know to compaaaaaaare with--

Pippin: --pure exasperation.

Willy: HEY! You ruined my song!

Merry: So?

Pippin: And your point is?

Willy: When people interrupt my songs, Master Pippin, they don't EVER come back, nor do they ever leave for that matter.

Sam: You've got some major issues there, buddy.

Frodo: Can we go? The Wonka dude is freaking me out!

Willy: Do I scare you? Do I really make you afraid?

Aragorn (thinking): Yep, you do.

Willy: Do you want to see the chocolate room or not?

Pippin: Yes! Yes! Open the door!

Willy opens the door. He is about to burst out into song, but Merry and Pippin barge past him and knock him to the ground. Everyone looks around the chocolate room in wonder.
Pippin: Woohoo! It's paradise! Food everywhere!

Frodo: It's a chocolate Rivendell!

Legolas: Mmm! Sugar!

Merry: Wow. A chocolate river!

Pippin, who's beyond ravenous, devours more than his body weight in chocolate and candy.Willy: Good grief man! What is his problem?

Gandalf: 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine!

Pippin (with a mouthful of M&M's): I'm a hobbit, actually.

After a while, the Oompa-Loompas appear.

Oompa-Loompas: Oompa-Loompa, doompa dee doo, I've got another puzzle for you...

Aragorn: Sorry, I'm not in the mood for puzzles.

Oompa-Loompas: But we've got a puzzle for you!

Aragorn: No thanks, that's quite all right.

Everyone just hangs out in the chocolate room for an hour. Merry steals away and finds the fizzy lifting drinks. He distributes them to the three other hobbits. Suddenly there are 4 hobbits floating in the air.
Pippin: Yeah!!!! I can fly!!!!!

Merry: I think I'm getting gas from this stuff.

Sam: Of course you are. It's fizzy lifting drinks, not flat lifting drinks.

Merry: Hey! We're "Monty Python's Flying Hobbits!"

Pippin: Yeah! Go us!

Frodo: Wow, you can see the bald spot on Boromir's head from up here!

Sam: Are you serious? Let me see!

Willy: This is so tedious! You're not at all like these kids that came in here earlier. One kid jumped in the chocolate river, one of them ate this messed-up gum I made and turned into a blueberry! That Charlie kid and his grandfather stole the fizzy lifting drinks--wait a second! Why are the hobbits in the air?

Pippin (from the ceiling): Whoohoo! I can fly! So, what's in this stuff?

Willy: Oh, ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubble-ade, bubble cola, double cola, double-bubble-burp-a-cola and all those other little carbonated things that tickle your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in some of those things.

Pippin (to the other hobbits): Sorry I asked.

Sam: Great, how do we get down from here?

Merry: Yeah, I'm starting to get hives from being up so high.

Frodo: Hives?

Merry: Yeah, it has to do with that whole "fear of heights" thing, ya know?

Frodo: Oh right, right.

Gandalf: We should be going now.

Pippin: But how do we get down?

Gandalf: Just burp, you fools!

Pippin: Ooooooooh, okay.

So all the hobbits burp. They float down. And now they are facing a very angry and very paranoid Willy Wonka.

Willy: Why'd you have to take the fizzy lifting drinks?? WHY???

Pippin: Because...because...we felt like it?

Merry: How come we always attract evil, Pip?

Pippin: No idea, but I'm sure it doesn't have anything to do with me.

Gandalf: Whatever. We've got to go now.

Willy: YES! Leave now or I'll set my Oompa-Loompas on you! They're already mad because you wouldn't let them tell you a puzzle.

Everyone: Yeah, let's go now.

Willy: Go! Wonka is mine! All mine! MINE! My precioussssssssss...

Frodo: Whooooooooooooaa....

Sam: Okay, time to leave

So they leave. And as they do, they can hear Willy's crazy cries coming from the chocolate room.

Legolas: Whoa, that guy is cracked, man.

Gandalf: I think he cracked long ago.

Boromir: Say 'crack' again.

Legolas: Crack.

The fellowship is just about to leave the factory when they suddenly see Willy standing in front of the door out.
Gandalf: I thought you were wallowing in your chocolate.

Willy: Well, Mithrandir, I've changed my mind and I've decided to keep you all here for a while. I think a tour of my chocolate factory would do you all good.

Frodo: What if--

Willy: Shhh!

Frodo: But--

Willy: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts then we'd all have a merry Christmas.

Frodo: Whatever.

Willy: So, come along and see the rest of my factory.

Gandalf (to Aragorn): It never ends, does it?

Aragorn: No, it seems it doesn't. I really hope that when they write a book about our
quest, they leave this part out!

Reluctantly, the Fellowship follows Willy back into the chocolate room again. Merry and Sam have to physically restrain Pippin from eating his heart out again.
Pippin: You can't do this to me! You just can't!

Merry: Just chill.

Sam: You've already had pints and pints of chocolate from the chocolate river!

Pippin: It comes in pints?!?!?!

Everyone (thinking to themselves): Must get away!

Willy: Okay! Less chocolate, more me! Let's get along now. There's my boat, I wondered where it was. Shall we?

Aragorn: Shall we what?

Willy: Let's go! You've got to see my other freaky things.

Aragorn : Why not?

Willy: Good. So let's all get on the boat. NOW!

Gimli: I've never seen anything like this.

Pippin: Well, it all fits in with Wonka's freakiness.

So everyone boards the boat. Willy's ego starts to rise and he begins to sing, but is interrupted by Pippin.
Willy: There is no life I know to--

Pippin: So what else is there to see in this mad house?

Willy (grinding his teeth): You'll see, Master Pippin. Now, if you'll just let me sing...

Legolas: No! Don't sing! Please don't sing! I'm begging you!

Willy: Well, excuse me! I just have a need to sing constantly!

Pippin: Yeah! There's a name for that. It's obsessive-compulsive.

Willy: Well, we're entering the excessively un-scary tunnel of doom right now. I think I
need to start singing my excessively wacked-out sing right now. There's no earthly way of knowing, which--

Pippin: Oooh, I have a better song! There are chickens in the treeeeees...there are
chickens in the treeeeeeeeees...won't you count them if you pleeeeeeeeeeeease? There are chickens in the treeeeeeeees!

Legolas: Oh my.

Frodo: This is worse than the wallpaper!

Willy: Oooookay! Let's listen to my song now. There's no earthly way of knowing, which--

Merry: How about an encore of "There are Chickens in the Trees"?

Sam: Anything's better than Mr. Wonka's singing. (shivers)

So Pippin sings "There are Chickens in the Trees" ten times until they are at a door to Wonka's inventing room, or whatever you call it.

Willy: Here is my most prized possession: the everlasting Gobstopper!

Pippin picks up a Gobstopper and sucks the life out of it in 30 seconds flat.

Pippin: I wouldn't call that everlasting, Mr. Wonka. Are you running a scam?

Willy clenches his teeth and compulsively runs his hands through his untidy brown hair. He then proceeds to yank most of it out.
Willy: Master Pippin, you'd do well to leave things alone!

Pippin: Well, it isn't everlasting.

Merry: He speaks the truth, man!

Willy: You blasted halflings! You've ruined my day! You're bringing down my self-esteem!

Merry: Hoo yeah! It's being deflated like a balloon!

Pippin: As it should be.

All the hobbits nod vigorously at Pippin's words.

Willy: Shall we look at my other creations? Yes, I think we shall. Come along now.

Everyone follows Willy into the golden egg room.

Willy: These are my geese. They lay golden eggs. I named one Priscilla.

Legolas: That's great.

Willy: Someone always falls down the egg shoot. I have no idea why, though.

Gandalf: Maybe it's because of lack of a sign that says, "CAUTION! DO NOT SIT DOWN! YOU ARE MOST LIKELY A BAD EGG IF YOU SIT HERE! SO STEER CLEAR!"

Boromir (to Legolas): I'm not sure he wants to put up a sign.

Legolas: I think he very well enjoys watching people being sucked down a chute. I mean, this is Wonka!

Willy: Shall we go see my awesome fizz car that runs on soda fizz?

Aragorn: Forgive me for not leaping for joy.

They all go into the room with the Fizz Car in it.

Willy: Behold! My awesome fizz car!

Legolas: You have a lot of time on your hands, don't you?

Gandalf: Now that's just scary.

Aragorn: Oooh, I have a good idea!

Boromir: What is it, then?

Aragorn: Okay, we steal the Fizz car and bust ourselves out of here! There are no words to
describe the ultimate scariness of this place.

Legolas: Good idea. All in favor say aye!

The Fellowship: Aye!

Gandalf: It's settled then. Someone get on Willy's back when the fizz starts spewing
everywhere and knock him off. Legolas can take over the controls.

Willy climbs onto the Fizz Car and starts it up.
Willy: Hum diddly dum doo laaaaaaaaa deeeeeeeeeeeee daaaaaaaaaaaaa--AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Merry and Pippin knock Willy off. Legolas whips Willy's top hat hoff his head and puts it on his own. So there's this elf in a purple top hat driving the Fizz car...while singing.
Legolas: War! Ho! Good grief man! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin', say it again,
I say war, ho...

The Fellowship is soon bolting out of Wonka's chocolate factory while being pursued by angry Oompa-Loompas. Legolas is looking insane with a manic smile on his face with the purple top hat on his head. He's cussing at the Oompa-Loompas without mercy.
Legolas: YEAH! You'd better run! Before I knock you over with this messed-up car of mine! HAHAHAHA! You can't catch me I'm the ELF MAN! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Gimli: Are you all right, Legolas?

Legolas: I'm great! Never been better!

Frodo: Wow, this is a side of Legolas we never see!

Legolas: Take a picture, Frodo my halfling friend, 'cause you ain't gonna be seeing it again anytime soon.

Sam: I feel so priviliged.

Pippin: YEAH! Go Legolas!


Frodo: Well, this stinks. Wonka is coming after us in his glass elevator!

The Fellowship looks up and sees the faint outline of a glass elevator, along with the faint cackle of frenzied laughter.
Willy (distantly): You stole my Fizz car! Curse you! Curse you!Cursesssssssss... (cackles)

Pippin: I'm thinking the Wicked Witch of the West!

Merry: Yeah! Maybe he has green skin under the purple suit!

Legolas (shouting to Wonka): Hey, where're your flying monkeys, Wonka? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Boromir: Oooh, I'd pay big money to see a house dropped on him!

Pippin: Oy! Gandalf! Where're we off to next?

Gandalf: I don't know. I expect somewhere weird again. Who knows?

Pippin: I have to pee.

Merry: Go you.

Pippin: No, really.

The scene fades with Merry and Pippin arguing in the background.

(I SO wish I knew who wrote this or where it came from...all I know is that my friend Jenna Hotz showed it to me when I was in ninth grade.  And I still think it's every bit as lame and every bit as hilarious now as I did then.  LOTR nerd in every way!!!)

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