I just want to weep. I just want to weep my heart out for the selfishness that is within me. I want to weep for the mistakes I've made that can't be set right. For the depravity of my heart. For my lack of wisdom.
Lord Jesus, I confess that I have sinned against You in thought, word and deed,
by what I have done
and by what I have left undone.
I have not loved You with my whole heart,
nor loved my neighbor as myself.
I am truly sorry, and I humbly repent!!!!!!!
For the sake of Your Son, Jesus Christ,
have mercy on me and forgive me,
that I may delight in Your will
and walk in Your ways
to the glory of Your Name.
Amen.
Lord, give me strength to correct my mistakes, to move on in a good direction, give me wisdom to make good choices, and as it would please You, bring me something to do in which I can serve others as Your servant! Lord, bring me joy. I hate the way I am right now. There is almost no joy in my life.
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
once again, small words?
Ohhhhhh no. I am not winning this war against apathy. It is taking control of me.
I never want to go to class. I never want to practice. I never want to study or do homework. I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep and laze around and hang out with my friends. What has happened to me????????? I used to be focused and dedicated, and even happy to be at school! I was reading some things I wrote last year, when I first went to TWU, and I said I was really enjoying being there and learning what I was learning. And now, I could care less about TWU.
Every time people try to suggest things that I could do to improve my life, my heart rises up in rebellion against their suggestions. For example: I have no friends at school. So just about everyone has suggested I join a Campus Crusade. And as I smile and nod and shrug in a nonchalant way, I am mentally screaming "NO! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO JOIN A CAMPUS CRUSADE!!!!!" I don't want to pledge a sorority, I don't want to join any student organizations. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And even the Village Church - I just don't know about it. I mean, don't get me wrong - Matt Chandler is amazing, and the way he speaks the truth in love is something I can only dream of accomplishing. But the Village is just so different from the churches I've been part of, and I don't like it. I want to go to Sunday School and church choir! I don't want church to be quite so contemporary!
Oh my gosh. How selfish do I sound? Everything is about me!!! My comforts, my wants, my desires. I can't be bothered to do anything but meet my own needs. God, this is so horrible. I am such a selfish person. How did I let myself get to this point? How did this happen?
I have tried to pray, but my black heart seems to be dead. All I can do is call up the words that have been written, and know in my mind that they are true, even if my heart will not feel it...
"Remember these things, O Jacob. Take it seriously, Israel, that you're my sevant. I made you, shaped you: You're my servant. O Israel, I'll never forget you. I've wiped the slate of all your wrongdoings. There's nothing left of your sins. Come back to me, come back. I've redeemed you.
High heavens, sing! God has done it. Deep earth, shout! And you mountains, sing! A forest choir of oaks and pines and cedars! God has redeemed Jacob. God's glory is on display in Israel." ~Isaiah 44:20-24, from The Message
Somehow there is hope. I know there is. It rests within my reach. I don't always have to be this selfish, this stupid, this apathetic. I can only pray that I will have the strength to change myself. Repent. 180 degree turn, opposite direction, new way of life. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" Technically, I was made new thirteen years ago. One would think I would have grown and matured, but I am still drinking spiritual milk. Oh, my spiritual understanding and thinking is so simple! I hate the way I am right now. I absolutely hate it, but I have not the strength to end it. God does, but I have yet to stretch out my hand and take it from Him.
I hear the Savior say
thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
find in Me thine all in all!
I never want to go to class. I never want to practice. I never want to study or do homework. I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep and laze around and hang out with my friends. What has happened to me????????? I used to be focused and dedicated, and even happy to be at school! I was reading some things I wrote last year, when I first went to TWU, and I said I was really enjoying being there and learning what I was learning. And now, I could care less about TWU.
Every time people try to suggest things that I could do to improve my life, my heart rises up in rebellion against their suggestions. For example: I have no friends at school. So just about everyone has suggested I join a Campus Crusade. And as I smile and nod and shrug in a nonchalant way, I am mentally screaming "NO! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO JOIN A CAMPUS CRUSADE!!!!!" I don't want to pledge a sorority, I don't want to join any student organizations. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And even the Village Church - I just don't know about it. I mean, don't get me wrong - Matt Chandler is amazing, and the way he speaks the truth in love is something I can only dream of accomplishing. But the Village is just so different from the churches I've been part of, and I don't like it. I want to go to Sunday School and church choir! I don't want church to be quite so contemporary!
Oh my gosh. How selfish do I sound? Everything is about me!!! My comforts, my wants, my desires. I can't be bothered to do anything but meet my own needs. God, this is so horrible. I am such a selfish person. How did I let myself get to this point? How did this happen?
I have tried to pray, but my black heart seems to be dead. All I can do is call up the words that have been written, and know in my mind that they are true, even if my heart will not feel it...
"Remember these things, O Jacob. Take it seriously, Israel, that you're my sevant. I made you, shaped you: You're my servant. O Israel, I'll never forget you. I've wiped the slate of all your wrongdoings. There's nothing left of your sins. Come back to me, come back. I've redeemed you.
High heavens, sing! God has done it. Deep earth, shout! And you mountains, sing! A forest choir of oaks and pines and cedars! God has redeemed Jacob. God's glory is on display in Israel." ~Isaiah 44:20-24, from The Message
Somehow there is hope. I know there is. It rests within my reach. I don't always have to be this selfish, this stupid, this apathetic. I can only pray that I will have the strength to change myself. Repent. 180 degree turn, opposite direction, new way of life. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" Technically, I was made new thirteen years ago. One would think I would have grown and matured, but I am still drinking spiritual milk. Oh, my spiritual understanding and thinking is so simple! I hate the way I am right now. I absolutely hate it, but I have not the strength to end it. God does, but I have yet to stretch out my hand and take it from Him.
I hear the Savior say
thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
find in Me thine all in all!
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