I can't believe how awfully I have let myself go. I am ensconced in sin. Trapped. Completely immersed. I am weeping in shame and guilt and remorse and sorrow - tears are dripping from my face, soaking the front of my shirt. I am laid out before God and before my parents, nothing hidden anymore, no more secrets, no more pretending things are okay when they're not. Things have probably never been less okay for me.
I have been lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and stupid this semester. Or actually this year. I'd rather not go into more detail, so suffice it to say that I'm failing a number of classes and am taking at least a year off school after this semester is done. I have let my sin nature get the best of me for far too long. I have sinned so much. This isn't an "issue" I'm having anymore. This is a sin. A sin that has a strong grip on me.
But my Savior's grip is stronger. And I don't know how, I don't know when, but somehow and sometime SOON He will pull me back. Or, I will pull myself back using His strength. He has done all He should; now it's my turn to do what I should.
So much guilt. So much shame. So much remorse. So much hurt.
God deserves so much glory. So much joy. So much praise. I don't know how to reconcile these two issues.
God be merciful to me; on Thy grace I rest my plea.
Plentious in compassion Thou, blot out my transgressions now
Wash me, make me pure within; cleanse, o cleanse me from my sin!
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