Sigh. I hate this. I hate who I've become. I hate the sin and the irrational fear that has taken hold of me. That controls me. That makes me throw up (literally!). I can't break away, and I can't fix it. At least that's what it feels like most of the time. I hate how afraid I am to go to school. I hate how I can't seem to practice enough or be prepared for class. I hate it.
I've actually signed myself up for counseling at school. Counseling. And my parents are totally on my side, too, which is seriously the most amazing thing. Not amazing like I'm surprised, but amazing like wonderful. And I now have every option open for the rest of my college career. I think I'll be taking some time off school next semester, or I might go part-time, or I might go part-time at Brookhaven or Richland. I need some serious help. My mental, emotional and spiritual health are so bad (fortunately my physical health is perfectly all right!). And I can't bring myself to do the things that I know will fix them. I'm stuck in pain and confusion and fear right now. All I can do is distract myself - I haven't been able to really fix anything yet.
And the cherry on top of all this is Kitty. Kitty is dying. Very, very soon. Probably within the next week. My best friend and her sister are losing their mother. Ron is losing his wife. My parents and our church body are losing a very dear friend. I'm losing a second mom. Students are losing a wonderful, loving teacher. However, Heaven is gaining a soul. And Kitty will soon be in no more pain. She will be with God, happy at last. She will be with God in Heaven! It is the most wonderful thing to think how blessed she will be in so few days. No more pain, no more hospital bills, no more tubes and IVs and anguish. Kitty will be with God!!! She will be rejoicing with God for eternity!!! I can't even get my mind wrapped around this at all. And I'm a little worried...I haven't let myself cry hardly at all for this. I'm going to cause a scene if I don't let myself soon. Not that I haven't already caused several scenes, most notably at work...sigh.
And I think I'm back on music team at church again!!! I must say, I missed it!!! I love sitting with John and David and exchanging snippy remarks with them. And this week I have almost no flute music (just lead vocal/piano sheets), so I am just improvising half my playing! It is good stuff. I missed music team. I did NOT miss certain attitudes regarding it...but we'll pray that those go away by Sunday! UGH and speaking of Sunday it's Daylight Savings time!!!!!!!! WE LOSE AN HOUR OF SLEEP!!!!!! So we have to be at church at 8am, which is really 7am...most unfortunate.
Spring break is right around the corner. A wonderful distraction. A road trip to JBU with Rachel and John. Hours at work. Time to rest? Perhaps...
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