this'll be the day that I die

I could not be more thankful for where I am NOT today.

I am not stuck in a job that I hate.

I do not have to deal with constant idiocy, mediocrity or stupidity.

I am not surrounded by people who bring me down.

I do not get home from work and cry.

I am not on my feet 8-9 hours a day, 5-6 days a week.

I am not hiding from every single person in my life. Including God.

I am not in a state of constant fear-induced nausea.

I do not lie to everyone's face about how I am feeling or what I am doing.

I do not go to sleep thinking how glad I am to have eight hours or so where I do not have to feel pain and where I cannot be hurt.



Of course, there are some things in my life I would like to work on...

I have to, have to, HAVE TO study.

I have to pass the state exam.

I have to make more money.

I have to find a way to keep my room and house clean.

I have to take care of myself. My body, my mind.

I have to die to self DAILY.

I have to spend time with the Lord DAILY.

I have to listen for His voice, His Word, His instructions.

I have to serve others, put their needs above my own. DAILY.

I have to do all these things to become the person I need to be. To be able to be the wife and the mother I long to be. I will commit to do these things for my future family. For my husband, and my children. I promise you I will. I promise I will. I will.

"There in your wilderness He's waiting for you - come, worship Him with your wounds, for He's wounded too!"

all tangled up

"Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a beautiful little kingdom ruled by a good king and a kind and gentle queen..."

...and they always have a beautiful baby girl, who grows to be the most beautiful and graceful princess in the world. Usually she has blonde hair and blue eyes, in which case she is sweet, gentle and graceful, and her suitors are drawn to her perfect manners and pure femininity. If she has brown hair, she is intelligent and witty, and the prince loves her for her brains. If she has red hair, she has a fiery temper and acts independently and impetuously, and the man is there to tame her, in a sense.

More often than not, there is an animal sidekick of some kind, perhaps a loveable horse or a fast-talking squirrel or even a chameleon.

There are always forests. There are always castles (not palaces - castles), and there are usually cottages tucked deep in the woods.

There are usually witches or enchantresses. Witches are evil, but enchantresses are rarely used as anything more than a plot device. Enchantresses merely cast their spells and are then never heard of again in the story. Witches, however, tend to be the main villains of the story. Sometimes they are even members of the protagonist's family in disguise (well, step-family members).

Anything is possible in the world of a fairy tale. No matter what the girl is - if she is a peasant, or a maid, or a shepherdess, or a lady-in-waiting, or the princess herself - she can be transformed into someone worthy of love. Her beauty cannot be hidden by rags or dirt or cinders or whatever she suffers at the hands of others. The prince always gets the princess.

But what happens if the prince and princess never meet? What does the princess do with herself? And honestly, what was she really doing before she met the prince? Take some of the classic Disney princesses.
-Snow White was a slave in her stepmother's castle, but all she did was dream of her prince and sing to her animal friends ("Someday My Prince Will Come").
-Aurora did the same thing - all she did was dream of her prince ("Once Upon a Dream") and sing about her unknown love to her animal friends.
-Cinderella was also a slave to her stepfamily, and she also did a lot of singing to her animal friends about her dreams coming true ("A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes").
-Ariel searched for human things and dreamed endlessly of the human world ("Part Of That World").
Basically all the princess ever does is sing to her animal friends and dream of things that seem far beyond her reach.

And what of the princes themselves? They all seem to know their princesses by the most fleeting glimpses or the faraway sound of their singing voice.
-Snow White's Prince heard her singing and fell in love without so much as a how-do-you-do.
-Prince Philip heard Aurora singing to her animal friends and while they at least finished out the song together, they too never had an actual conversation before Philip was determined to marry her.
-Cinderella's Prince caught a glimpse of her from across an entire ballroom filled with hundreds of beautiful girls, and they fall in love after one dance together, though they are never seen speaking to one another until the stroke of midnight falls and Cinderella runs away.
-Prince Eric falls in love after hearing Ariel's voice singing to him, although he cannot remember her face.

It must be so nice to be a fairytale prince or princess. If you are a prince, you can tell your soulmate merely by the sound of their voice or a glimpse of them working or one waltz. If you're a princess, all you have to do is sing all day long and make sure you show up at every ball, and your prince can't help but find you.

If only it were that simple in the real world. In the real world, you are flawed.
Maybe you can't sing - maybe you can't carry a tune in a bucket.
Maybe you don't get invited to the ball.
Maybe your prince sees you, but never imagines that YOU are his princess.
Maybe instead of being covered in cinders and dirt, you struggle with insecurities or you feel like you can't trust anyone.
Maybe your heart was broken.
Maybe YOU were broken.
Maybe you hide yourself, not wanting your prince to see you in rags, covered in cinders and dirt.

But maybe that's how your prince is supposed to find you.
Maybe your prince is the one who will invite you himself to the ball.
Maybe you will hear his voice and know that he is the one for you.

Maybe you still get to live happily ever after.