I'm just...I mean, this is exhausting.

I just prayed that God would prepare for me a life in New York City.

This is years away, as in it will not happen for real until after I graduate from TWU, but I feel more and more that at that time, my future lies in New York City.  For the first time in my life, I am beginning to want to leave Texas.  I don't know if I would want to raise a family in New York, but I really do want to live there for at least two or three years after I graduate college. 

This is so strange.  It does not at all line up with what I thought my life would be when I was sixteen.  Let's see what my life would have been like if I were the one calling all the shots...

Once I graduated high school in 2007, I would have most likely chosen to go to Texas Tech.  The only reason I didn't actually pursue going there was because it was just too big.  I wanted a smaller school.

After my first semester there, I would have sat first chair flute.

I would have spent my days in a practice room and my evenings with my school and/or church friends, laughing non-stop.

I would have met a guy my freshman year and been in a relationship by Christmas.

I would have been married by 21.

I would have graduated college by 22.

I would have become a band director immediately after graduation.

I would have had my first baby by 25.

I would have had my second baby by 28.

I would have had my third baby by 30.

My family would be living in a good house in Dallas and I would be homeschooling my children and living near at least a few childhood friends, who would also be married and beginning to have babies that my children could be friends with.  We'd live near my parents too, so they could be involved in their grandchildren's lives, and Mindy and her family would visit a few times a year too.

Then I would turn 33, maybe 34 or 35. 

But instead, this is what happened.

I graduated high school in 2007 and went to community college for a year.

I chose to attend Texas Woman's University and started off with three scholarships and loving my classes.

I did not sit first chair flute by any means.

I rarely practiced, despite being beseiged with music.

I did not make any friends that I ever spoke to outside of class.

I did not meet a guy.  Though to be fair, the odds of that were never in my favor, given the school I chose (and yes, men actually do go to TWU...we went co-ed in the '70's!).

I dropped out of school when I was 21.

I spent two years working at Chick-fil-A and a string of unsuccessful minimum wage jobs, most of which I hated.

I spent two years as a youth leader and one year as a BSF leader, which remain two of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life.

I re-applied to TWU when I was 23 and was re-accepted.

I'm about to turn 24 and have yet to even go on a date, let alone be in a relationship.

When I graduate college, I will probably be 26. 

I don't even want to think about how old I'll be by the time I get married and have my first baby.

I want to move to New York City, find a job and volunteer at the Bowery Mission as much as I can around my job.

I want to find a guy who will either go with me to New York or find a way to come there to be with me, or else meet one there who will share whatever my life turns into once I get there.

Those two things - moving to New York City and falling in love and getting married - are the two things I want right now more than anything in the world.

I really think I have some kind of future in New York City.  It will be so difficult, so lonely, so hard, I can't even imagine.  Once I'm there, I will probably cry myself to sleep six nights a week because of how lonely I am or how worried I am about finances or how difficult I find my job. 

Which is why I need to commit to pray every day for the life I crave in New York City.  I need to pray that God will prepare a place for me to live, a place for me to work, and a place for me to fit in.  That He will bring me a group of friends that I can see on a regular basis, a church where I can serve, time to volunteer at the Bowery, and a man who will love me and support me and cause me to grow in Christ.  A man who I can honor and cherish and love more than anyone else.  A man who will marry me.  Who on earth could that be?

My life is turning out so very, very different than I ever thought it would.

God, please ready my life after graduation, whether that be in New York or Dallas or wherever.  Ready my heart for my husband, or if that isn't Your will, make my heart submissive to life as a single woman.  The two things I want most - a life in New York and a husband - I lay at Your feet.  Take them from me and do with them what You know is best.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"  ~Psalm 27:14