God has won, Christ prevailed

It is well
It is well
Through the storm I am held
It is well
It is well
With my soul -
It is well
It is well
God has won, and Christ prevailed
It is well
it is well
with my soul!


Well, with the post below this one being what it is, that makes this one even more difficult to write, but I'm writing it anyway.

I have just lost the job at Peak Physical Therapy. Basically they said they were unsatisfied with my performance and were not interested in giving me any more time to improve. After four weeks of work, apparently I was not doing well enough and they were not interested in helping me do any better. I think there has been some measure of miscommunication between me and my manager there, because I knew I was making mistakes but I wasn't sure how to fix them or how to do better. Between my week in Colorado and my manager's week of vacation, apparently I am, to quote one of the owners, a "square peg in a round hole" and they aren't interested in giving me any time to improve.

All of which I was completely unaware of until they called me into the office. I knew I'd been doing somewhat poorly, but I had no idea it was enough that they would let me go without giving me a chance to do better. After four weeks of work...none of this whole situation really makes much sense to me.

Anyway...the thing that has me most worried about this whole problem is not so much losing my job - because Ian is amazing and has said I can come back to PIU next week - but about what will happen to me in the fall. I could possibly go back to school in the fall, but I just feel like I shouldn't do that if any other options are open. I have made committments to BSF and to the youth ministry at church, and it will still be possible to keep them if I'm in school, but it will be very difficult. And I was so happy to have this school year to grow in those ministries and to be able to fully commit to them, and then go back to school in fall of '12. So if anyone would like to pray for me, pray that God would make His plan for my life this school year very evident! I do not want to break these committments that I've made, but I will if I know that's what God wants. But I feel more and more as though me losing this job is an attack on those ministries - and if that's the case it only makes me want to do them even more! So if you would pray that God will provide another wonderful job for me that will allow me to make money, get even more job skills and experience, and keep the ministry committments I've made for the school year, I would GREATLY appreciate it!!! That was what I felt God was giving me a month ago - and after today I have no idea what He wants my response to be. I have no idea why He's allowed me to lose this job in the way I did. All I know is that I want to do His work - however that looks.

I'm desperate to still be a BSF leader and a youth leader - and I will still be a youth leader no matter what I do in the fall - so prayer that whatever God wants in those respects is all I want right now.

"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy - I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly." ~John 10:10

God, please let me experience abundant life in You!!! I thank and praise You for everything You have done in my life thus far to grow me this much, and I only ask that You make Your plan for my future clear!

Great is Your faithfulness

Great is Your faithfulness, O God my Father!
You have fulfilled all Your promise to me
You never fail and Your love is unchanging
All You have been, You forever will be!

Great is Your faithfulness
Great is Your faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see
All I have needed, Your hand has provided
Great is Your faithfulness,
Father, to me!


I HAVE SO MUCH THAT I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT I REALLY THINK I MIGHT BURST WITH JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy and so grateful and so humbled and so joyful and so blessed!!!!!!!!

First of all, I have a new job that is practically perfect in every way. I have the best schedule ever (I never have to be at work before 8am or past 7pm), I get 35 hours per week, and $9 per hour!!!!! And I am learning to be detail oriented, and to become comfortable making phone calls (I literally hate talking on the phone so much it's insane), and to multi task and to exercise my people skills, and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! This job is so, SO perfect for me, and it came when I needed it DESPERATELY. I am so grateful, SO grateful to have it!!!

I must just make a shoutout here to my cousin/best friend: Samuel Richard, I love you with the passion of a thousand fiery burning suns. I am so glad that you are my cousin and my best friend. You don't get to choose your family, but I got SO lucky in getting you for my cousin. I love you and I am praying so hard for you :)

And Elizabeth called me today and asked me to pray about being a BSF leader this year!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it!!!!!!!! I was not expecting that at all. AT ALL. I can't believe it. God, please make it clear to me if I should do it! I can't believe she even asked me. I just can't believe it. I'm so happy right now. I can't believe what God has done for me. He has blessed me beyond anything I could have asked for. All glory and honor and praise be to His awesome name!!!!

I cannot wait to see what happens this summer and this fall. God has some amazing things in store for me.

and you won't bring me down

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes, and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
and you can't bring me down!


Thusly is my life described right now. I am in a race against the clock. I have set myself ten days to pass my exam, and if it took fewer days than that I would LOVE it. And I'm not even thinking about what happens after I pass my exam - just doing that makes me panic. I need money like I've never needed money before. And I think - I think - I can get it in just enough time.

D-Day is no longer June 6...for me it is June 1. And I believe I will know the outcome of June 1 by May 21.

(Random side note: it is entirely possible that I am the most shallow person ever. Just throwing that out there. Thank you and good night.)

Anyway...I gotta study my brains out for that exam, and I WILL pass it on my first try, and I will make money, and I will be ready for whatever God brings me. This feels like a soap opera - everything depends on that exam, and I must pass it, and if I don't, lives will be destroyed and no one can ever find out about my past and my secret love child with the town's police chief because I'm actually a 300-year-old witch and I'm also actually a man...okay too far. But still. This is crazy.

Oh! And I remember now what I was going to say before. This is for all you people out there who have tried to give me advice about my life. Some of you have done that in love and out of a genuine desire to help me, which I so appreciate, but some of you have just done it condescendingly. But honestly, I don't need your advice anymore. The three things that people always say to me are: "You better go back to school, because you'll regret it if you don't." And: "Life insurance sales, hm? That's a tricky, tricky business. Better get a job with steady money, at least on the side, even if you don't really like that job." AND of course, who can forget this one: "Oh, you don't want a boyfriend. Being single is so much easier."

Okay, let's start with statement A. I know, know, KNOW that I will regret it if I don't go back to school!!!!!! Which is why I AM going back!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just because I haven't decided on an exact date doesn't mean I won't go back. I will. I WILL. And if somehow God has a different plan for my life that doesn't involve school, who are YOU to say that I'll regret that? I was very wounded by my experiences in school, and I am not ready to put myself back into that position yet. I am not ready. And you don't know that about me. You don't know what I've been through, and you don't know what God is asking of me, and you don't know the plans He has for me. So stop looking down your nose at me and insisting I take the socially acceptable route, and let me find the route that God has made for me. I will go back to school when I am ready, and until then, let me do what I need to do.

Statement B: I realize that sales is a difficult business, and life insurance is complicated and the exam will be difficult. But again, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!!!!! And also, you don't know anything at all about my company. My company is different from State Farm or Aflac or whatever else you know. You don't know how it works and what I will be doing within the company. I am not your typical insurance salesman. I will be a very atypical insurance salesman. That is not what my company is about. And there is no need to look down your nose at my amazing company, nor is there a need to question my ability to do well on the exam. I will pass it and I will do well at my job. I will. And if you could attempt to be happy for me, that might be nice. But it's whatevs. I really don't care much for you.

Statement C: Oh my gosh. Believe me. I know exactly how easy it is to be single. I have been single for my entire life. And don't think I'm not grateful. I am SO VERY grateful I didn't have a boyfriend in high school. I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend last year, because I probably would have broken up with him. I am so glad to have been single this long, because it truly has made my life that much easier. HOWEVER...I am SO READY to NOT be single anymore!!! I want to know, finally, what being in love is like. I want to remember how it feels to love someone like that, and more importantly, I want to experience for the first time how it feels to have someone love you back. I want so badly to be married and have children. So I appreciate that you might just be trying to make me feel better, but really, you don't know what I want. Clearly, you have no idea what I want, or else you wouldn't have said that. I want to be in a relationship, moving in the direction of marriage, more than almost anything. I don't want to get married immediately - if it makes you feel any better, I will take my own sweet time in my relationships, and not rush into something that is wrong. But please don't tell me that I don't want a boyfriend. I do want one. I do. Whenever you say that I don't, you could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful. But again, it doesn't really matter, because I don't really care very much for you.

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me. And all you're ever gonna be is mean.
All you are is mean.
And a liar.
And pathetic.
And alone in life.
And mean.

Why you gotta be so mean?

this'll be the day that I die

I could not be more thankful for where I am NOT today.

I am not stuck in a job that I hate.

I do not have to deal with constant idiocy, mediocrity or stupidity.

I am not surrounded by people who bring me down.

I do not get home from work and cry.

I am not on my feet 8-9 hours a day, 5-6 days a week.

I am not hiding from every single person in my life. Including God.

I am not in a state of constant fear-induced nausea.

I do not lie to everyone's face about how I am feeling or what I am doing.

I do not go to sleep thinking how glad I am to have eight hours or so where I do not have to feel pain and where I cannot be hurt.



Of course, there are some things in my life I would like to work on...

I have to, have to, HAVE TO study.

I have to pass the state exam.

I have to make more money.

I have to find a way to keep my room and house clean.

I have to take care of myself. My body, my mind.

I have to die to self DAILY.

I have to spend time with the Lord DAILY.

I have to listen for His voice, His Word, His instructions.

I have to serve others, put their needs above my own. DAILY.

I have to do all these things to become the person I need to be. To be able to be the wife and the mother I long to be. I will commit to do these things for my future family. For my husband, and my children. I promise you I will. I promise I will. I will.

"There in your wilderness He's waiting for you - come, worship Him with your wounds, for He's wounded too!"

all tangled up

"Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a beautiful little kingdom ruled by a good king and a kind and gentle queen..."

...and they always have a beautiful baby girl, who grows to be the most beautiful and graceful princess in the world. Usually she has blonde hair and blue eyes, in which case she is sweet, gentle and graceful, and her suitors are drawn to her perfect manners and pure femininity. If she has brown hair, she is intelligent and witty, and the prince loves her for her brains. If she has red hair, she has a fiery temper and acts independently and impetuously, and the man is there to tame her, in a sense.

More often than not, there is an animal sidekick of some kind, perhaps a loveable horse or a fast-talking squirrel or even a chameleon.

There are always forests. There are always castles (not palaces - castles), and there are usually cottages tucked deep in the woods.

There are usually witches or enchantresses. Witches are evil, but enchantresses are rarely used as anything more than a plot device. Enchantresses merely cast their spells and are then never heard of again in the story. Witches, however, tend to be the main villains of the story. Sometimes they are even members of the protagonist's family in disguise (well, step-family members).

Anything is possible in the world of a fairy tale. No matter what the girl is - if she is a peasant, or a maid, or a shepherdess, or a lady-in-waiting, or the princess herself - she can be transformed into someone worthy of love. Her beauty cannot be hidden by rags or dirt or cinders or whatever she suffers at the hands of others. The prince always gets the princess.

But what happens if the prince and princess never meet? What does the princess do with herself? And honestly, what was she really doing before she met the prince? Take some of the classic Disney princesses.
-Snow White was a slave in her stepmother's castle, but all she did was dream of her prince and sing to her animal friends ("Someday My Prince Will Come").
-Aurora did the same thing - all she did was dream of her prince ("Once Upon a Dream") and sing about her unknown love to her animal friends.
-Cinderella was also a slave to her stepfamily, and she also did a lot of singing to her animal friends about her dreams coming true ("A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes").
-Ariel searched for human things and dreamed endlessly of the human world ("Part Of That World").
Basically all the princess ever does is sing to her animal friends and dream of things that seem far beyond her reach.

And what of the princes themselves? They all seem to know their princesses by the most fleeting glimpses or the faraway sound of their singing voice.
-Snow White's Prince heard her singing and fell in love without so much as a how-do-you-do.
-Prince Philip heard Aurora singing to her animal friends and while they at least finished out the song together, they too never had an actual conversation before Philip was determined to marry her.
-Cinderella's Prince caught a glimpse of her from across an entire ballroom filled with hundreds of beautiful girls, and they fall in love after one dance together, though they are never seen speaking to one another until the stroke of midnight falls and Cinderella runs away.
-Prince Eric falls in love after hearing Ariel's voice singing to him, although he cannot remember her face.

It must be so nice to be a fairytale prince or princess. If you are a prince, you can tell your soulmate merely by the sound of their voice or a glimpse of them working or one waltz. If you're a princess, all you have to do is sing all day long and make sure you show up at every ball, and your prince can't help but find you.

If only it were that simple in the real world. In the real world, you are flawed.
Maybe you can't sing - maybe you can't carry a tune in a bucket.
Maybe you don't get invited to the ball.
Maybe your prince sees you, but never imagines that YOU are his princess.
Maybe instead of being covered in cinders and dirt, you struggle with insecurities or you feel like you can't trust anyone.
Maybe your heart was broken.
Maybe YOU were broken.
Maybe you hide yourself, not wanting your prince to see you in rags, covered in cinders and dirt.

But maybe that's how your prince is supposed to find you.
Maybe your prince is the one who will invite you himself to the ball.
Maybe you will hear his voice and know that he is the one for you.

Maybe you still get to live happily ever after.

what could stand against?

I really, really, really wish I would update this thing more often. I do so have things to say, I just never seem to find the time and the energy to really say them. But I'm going to say something now...I'm just not quite sure what.

Let me start off by saying that I am more convinced than ever of the power of Scripture and the importance of knowing it by heart. "For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." ~Hebrews 4:12, NIV. I have worried that when I tell people to read Scriptures, that they will skim it and not understand it, pretty much unless I am there to help them. But that's just mere pride on my part, and doubt in the power of God's Word. Good heavens, He doesn't need ME to explain His Word!!! Like as not I'd probably just bungle it up and rob it of its power! And it is so important to have His Word in our hearts. "I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against You." ~Psalm 119:11, NIV.

I've been struggling recently with certain amounts of pride. This is MY area of ministry now - thank you, God, SO MUCH for putting me here, but now that I'm here, I've got this, and I'll take it from here! You can go back to fixing someone else's life now! But that is the WRONG attitude to have. I have no doubt that my ministries will cause me to struggle and suffer as much as they will bring me great joy and honor God. And what about my career? I was always going to have some kind of career, and right now I have NOTHING resembling a career at all. And I'm so afraid that any kind of career I can have without a degree will take me away from church. Essentially, I'm pretty sure that even God can't give me both. Even God doesn't have quite enough power or enough knowledge or enough sovereignty to find some kind of career AND allow me to be a youth leader.

WHAT? How can I possibly doubt Him? How can I, when He has given me so much and provided my every need and given me above and beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of? "If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also, along with this, graciously give us all things?" ~Romans 8:32, NIV.

I would just like to give praise and glory to God right now for the relationship I have with my parents. I love my parents more than anything, and I know that I can go to them with anything and they will love me no matter what, and they have supported me through things I did not expect them to, and they make me laugh like none other. I am so grateful for the man that my dad is, and I hope the man I marry will be a lot like him. And I am so grateful for my mom, who is a gentle and loving woman of God, and who does what He asks of her even when she feels what He's asking is too much. And I can't express how grateful I am for the gifts He's allowed my mom and I to share, the gift of music being the best one of all. Making music with my mom is one of the best things I do. I literally hope I never have to move far away from my parents, because I'm not sure I could do it for very long. Only once in my 22 years have I ever gone more than about ten days without seeing them...and I did not care for that. My parents are the best, and I love them so very dearly.

Haha, now that I'm writing I don't want to stop, but it's nearly midnight and I'm pretty tired. Hopefully I can get the creative juices flowing again soon - I'd really, really love to update this blog more often. I also have a new blog, over at my dear old site livejournal.com, and my username is whatrighthavei. Check out that blog sometime too.

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God, You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer
Awesome in power
Our God
Our God

created for a relationship

So yesterday I taught Sunday school for the very first time. Ever. Like...ever in my life. For anyone. (Ever.) I taught it for the high school students in youth group. And let me tell you, I have never been more scared of public speaking than I was then. I literally broke into a cold sweat, barely kept myself from hyperventilating, and at one point seriously considered running outside to vomit. (This was all before I actually got up onto the stage...and yes I did teach from on a stage. That didn't help with the nerves much...)

BUT somehow I held it together, and of course the moment I got onstage the nerves all fled and I was totally fine, relaxed and comfortable. Well, as relaxed and comfortable as I could be with a bunch of high schoolers, my youth pastor, and 3 parents in there listening to me.

And I proceeded to talk about the fact that God created us to be in a relationshp with Him. He created us in His image and in His likeness, and this gives us intrinsic worth and a unique position and purpose among creation. God values us and loves us because of His image within us. Our purpose in life is to glorify Him and spread His glory among others through the way we live our lives. So if you've ever reached a point in your life where you have no idea what your purpose is and what you're supposed to do with your life, do NOT despair!!! God created you with a purpose and while you may not know your specific purpose for the specific period of time, your overall purpose is always solidly in place - glorify God and spread His glory to others!

All in all - I loved teaching. And I can't wait to do it again. Teaching is definitely a purpose of mine.