all my heart, soul, mind, body and strength

I can't believe how awfully I have let myself go. I am ensconced in sin. Trapped. Completely immersed. I am weeping in shame and guilt and remorse and sorrow - tears are dripping from my face, soaking the front of my shirt. I am laid out before God and before my parents, nothing hidden anymore, no more secrets, no more pretending things are okay when they're not. Things have probably never been less okay for me.

I have been lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and stupid this semester. Or actually this year. I'd rather not go into more detail, so suffice it to say that I'm failing a number of classes and am taking at least a year off school after this semester is done. I have let my sin nature get the best of me for far too long. I have sinned so much. This isn't an "issue" I'm having anymore. This is a sin. A sin that has a strong grip on me.

But my Savior's grip is stronger. And I don't know how, I don't know when, but somehow and sometime SOON He will pull me back. Or, I will pull myself back using His strength. He has done all He should; now it's my turn to do what I should.

So much guilt. So much shame. So much remorse. So much hurt.

God deserves so much glory. So much joy. So much praise. I don't know how to reconcile these two issues.

God be merciful to me; on Thy grace I rest my plea.
Plentious in compassion Thou, blot out my transgressions now
Wash me, make me pure within; cleanse, o cleanse me from my sin!

start your day off on the right spoon

Sigh. I hate this. I hate who I've become. I hate the sin and the irrational fear that has taken hold of me. That controls me. That makes me throw up (literally!). I can't break away, and I can't fix it. At least that's what it feels like most of the time. I hate how afraid I am to go to school. I hate how I can't seem to practice enough or be prepared for class. I hate it.

I've actually signed myself up for counseling at school. Counseling. And my parents are totally on my side, too, which is seriously the most amazing thing. Not amazing like I'm surprised, but amazing like wonderful. And I now have every option open for the rest of my college career. I think I'll be taking some time off school next semester, or I might go part-time, or I might go part-time at Brookhaven or Richland. I need some serious help. My mental, emotional and spiritual health are so bad (fortunately my physical health is perfectly all right!). And I can't bring myself to do the things that I know will fix them. I'm stuck in pain and confusion and fear right now. All I can do is distract myself - I haven't been able to really fix anything yet.

And the cherry on top of all this is Kitty. Kitty is dying. Very, very soon. Probably within the next week. My best friend and her sister are losing their mother. Ron is losing his wife. My parents and our church body are losing a very dear friend. I'm losing a second mom. Students are losing a wonderful, loving teacher. However, Heaven is gaining a soul. And Kitty will soon be in no more pain. She will be with God, happy at last. She will be with God in Heaven! It is the most wonderful thing to think how blessed she will be in so few days. No more pain, no more hospital bills, no more tubes and IVs and anguish. Kitty will be with God!!! She will be rejoicing with God for eternity!!! I can't even get my mind wrapped around this at all. And I'm a little worried...I haven't let myself cry hardly at all for this. I'm going to cause a scene if I don't let myself soon. Not that I haven't already caused several scenes, most notably at work...sigh.

And I think I'm back on music team at church again!!! I must say, I missed it!!! I love sitting with John and David and exchanging snippy remarks with them. And this week I have almost no flute music (just lead vocal/piano sheets), so I am just improvising half my playing! It is good stuff. I missed music team. I did NOT miss certain attitudes regarding it...but we'll pray that those go away by Sunday! UGH and speaking of Sunday it's Daylight Savings time!!!!!!!! WE LOSE AN HOUR OF SLEEP!!!!!! So we have to be at church at 8am, which is really 7am...most unfortunate.

Spring break is right around the corner. A wonderful distraction. A road trip to JBU with Rachel and John. Hours at work. Time to rest? Perhaps...