well at least I'm gonna say that I tried

I'm just as bad as what I'm trying not to be like.

I'm thinking only of me.

I'm seriously thinking only of me.

I don't want to. I want to think of others. I want to think of the Lord. I want to think not of myself.

And yet I can't seem to stop. Because obviously, I enjoy the attention focused on me. I enjoy being the cool one, the one who knows everything, the one who is cool no matter what. Nobody can inflict a social status on me. I am always above it.

Yet I still make mistakes. I still do things I know I shouldn't. I still feel sick sometimes thinking about what I ought to be doing. I ought to be pointing attention away from me and onto Christ. I ought to risk relationships for Him. I ought to risk my newfound automatic popularity for Him. I ought to be willing to be thought uncool for Him. And I'm so not. I'm just so not.

It's the dumbest thing, really. I'm just so self-focused right now. And when I think about the pain that I was in this past year, from February to May, and what my life is like now, it's two different people. I remember going to bed thinking, "Okay, I have eight whole hours in which I cannot be hurt." I would count each minute precious if I did not have to feel the pain. And I have not felt that pain since May. The summer was wonderful. I was refreshed, relaxed, happy, and pain-free. And I'm about to start feeling pain again, if I stay self-focused much longer.

I need BSF!!!!!! Stupid work getting in the way of it!!!!!!!!!! I also need friends who are my age and who live roughly in the same city as me...

I need Scripture. I need Christ to fill me. To saturate me. To fill me with a desire for Him. To fill me with His love, His light, His work for me.

There's a broken world
Burdened by the weight of wrong
Living in the dark
Fear has ruled their lives for so long
Unaware of liberty
Souls continue aimlessly
Poisoned by the lies
"The truth is what you want it to be
You can choose your God
The center of this life is me"
Father, give us courage
To open up our hearts and speak of

Your freedom from the shame of sin
Freedom from the hurt within
Captivate us, Jesus, and bring us freedom!
Free to hope and free to love
Free to serve a needy world
Use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives
Set free!