One of my favorite things lately is the concept of "brutal honesty." Let's face it - without honesty, I am a failure. Forget the moral implications of dishonesty. Not being brutally honest with others led me into a pit. Complete and utter darkness. Dishonesty was, essentially, what broke me. Lying to others about what I was doing, feeling, thinking - that was the most foolish thing I've ever done. I still shake my head at myself when I remember how I lied to my best friend's face. She asked me how school was going, how my grades were, and I smiled and nodded and said, "Everything is fine." When I was actually screaming on the inside, desperate, but too scared to do anything to help myself. My friend was throwing me a lifeline, and I was too afraid to take it. If I had only been honest with her - who knows what might have happened.
And now for some brutal honesty. Here it is. This might shock you all - brace yourselves! - but I am fairly certain that I want to be married more than anything else in the world.
There. I said it.
I suppose this really isn't particularly brutal honesty. I like to think I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way, for one thing. And for another, I've said this before. This isn't some huge, outrageous confession I'm making. My friends have known this about me for quite some time. I'm sure that most people would assume it about any 24-year-old woman who has spent her entire life single and continues to do so.
I have always known that my perpetual singleness was a blessing, an absolute gift, from God. I knew that if He had allowed the boy(s) I liked to pursue me, I would have regretted it later. I would have regretted the relationships I so desperately coveted at the time. Yes, coveted. Everyone else around me was (and still is, to this day!) in a relationship of sorts, or if they weren't, it didn't matter to them. Not like it did to me. What was wrong with me? Why did none of the guys I knew ever seem to think I was girlfriend material?
I suppose if they had, or if I had had slightly more conservative parents, I might have taken the whole "purity ring" approach to things. I always knew I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night. That was, and has always been, the route I've chosen for myself. No one in my circle of friends has ever thought it was weird. It was the route all my friends chose for themselves too, back in the day. Losing your virginity would have been unthinkable. It was so unthinkable, in fact, that I imagine that's why we never bothered with purity rings. We didn't need them. We knew we would be virgins until marriage. There was never any other way.
And I always wondered when I would meet him. The boy who would actually see me in a way that none of the other boys ever seemed to. The boy who would actually do something about his feelings for me. The boy who had the guts to pursue me. Fellas, I realize it's a terrifying thing, pursuing a girl. If you ask her out, she might say no. OUCH. But the other option is far more terrifying: she might say yes. And then what do you do?? I know it's scary, either way it goes. And I've been waiting nearly 24 years for that guy, whoever he is, to screw up the courage and just freaking ask me out already.
I'm not done waiting for him. And I've realized something else...
I may always be waiting for him.
If I never marry, I will go to my grave waiting for him. My husband. I will spend my entire life waiting for my husband, even if he never comes. That's just the way it's going to be.
But something else I've realized...
I'm not waiting for my life to begin.
I'm not waiting for God to come through for me.
I'm not waiting for God's promise of abundant life.
Because I already have that. I already have my Beloved. I already have the joy of Christ, the salvation of His blood, the forgiveness from my sin, the grace and peace and eternal life He promises. I have His blessing, I am His treasured child, an heir with Christ. I am not waiting for Him to bless me with my idea of abundant life in Him.
I already have it.
Yes, I am waiting for someone, and I am not pleased that I have been told time and time again that I must wait, and keep waiting, and keep waiting, and wait some more. If I had a nickel for every time I've pleaded with God to change that answer, I could probably buy a month's worth of groceries. If I had a dime for every tear I've shed because of how much this endless waiting hurts, I could probably just buy out the grocery store. Just tonight, writing this entry, I have wept. I have wept because I am so tired of waiting, and there is no guarantee I'll ever stop. I have accepted the fact that I may wait for my husband for the rest of my life - and he may never show up.
But I'm determined I'll submit. I have told God, as I grit my teeth to bear the pain, that I would do whatever He asked of me. I believe in His total, utter and complete goodness. I believe in His infinite wisdom, the fact that He knows my heart, which is desperately sick and deceitful, better than I ever will. I believe in His ability to provide, and I also believe that He is all I will ever need. I don't need a husband. I don't need children. I don't need anything, except that which I already have: abundant life in Christ.
This obedience and submission sucks. It really does. (More brutal honesty.) It hurts so much. I would love nothing more than for the waiting to stop, for my idea of abundant life to begin. I almost wish God would apologize to me for putting me through all this pain and making me wait so long and never really rewarding me for my absolutely unending patience. Really, I have been a saint through all this. Isn't it time I got what I want for once??
He isn't a tame Lion.
I am to submit. He knows. He knows our weaknesses and our limitations. He bore those same things Himself when He was human. He knows how much my fragile, desperately wicked heart can handle. He knows how I can best bring glory to Him - as a wife and a mother, or just as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, a teacher, a mentor. He knows. And on top of everything that He knows - He loves! Oh, how He loves us so!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
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