How in the world do I have pain?
I have NO PAIN. I live in America, I have rights and freedoms and privileges that millions of people don't even know exist. There are people in this world who will live and die without ever having the protection of their government, who will never vote in an election, who will be forced to worship something they don't believe in or forbidden to worship the way they choose. There are children who will never know love and affection from their parents, who will grow up without ever having a shot or a vaccine or even a dose of children's Tylenol. There are millions of people who haven't eaten food or drunk clean water in weeks. There are people dying every day, being killed by their own government or neighbors or family members. And that's present everywhere, across the globe. What about what's happening in my own neighborhood, on my own street in Denton, Texas?
There are people who haven't spoken to their mothers in years, unless you count screaming obscenities at them. There are people who give their hearts and their bodies away to anyone who promises them happiness in return, only to be left empty and crushed. There are people who don't even know their own cousins' first names. There are people whose loved ones are dying, or stricken with a disease or disability. There are people who are filled with hate, with anger, with self-loathing, with depression. There are people whose lives are hollow, meaningless, despite their families or their jobs or the routines of life they choose to continue, day after meaningless day. There are people who have no joy. There are people who are truly experiencing pain.
My heart bleeds for them. My heart screams out for them. I don't know what to do with this pain, and sometimes I don't even recognize it as my own. I understand now why people will intentionally cut themselves: maybe they are trying to focus, for once, on a pain that makes perfect sense. Another good reason to do it: that pain can be cured. Easily. Stop the bleeding, apply a Band-aid, and in about 30 minutes that pain should be gone.
There's no solution to an aching heart. How on earth can this pain be dealt with? What prescription can fix it?
Scripture. James 1:27.
"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." (NLT)
Caring for the needy in their distress. Caring for the needy! There are so many needy people everywhere you look. The task at hand is overwhelming. Where to start? Oh, God, tell me where to start! I have no idea! There are too many broken people, including myself, and I can't do this task. I can't help anyone unless You show me where to start and how to do it.
I want to care for the needy in New York City, and I want to start by caring for the needy in Denton, Texas. I want to care for the homeless, the outcasts, the former members of society. I want to love them and meet some basic, general needs. I want to help teens who have everything, know everything, understand everything, but don't care. I want to lead Bible studies for them, have the guts to call them out on their behavior, address their issues, see them fail, broken, repentant, successful. I want to build a life as a servant of Christ, who lived as He did and loved as He did.
How can I have any pain of my own, other than that of seeing the pain of lives lived without Christ? Literally, where does any other kind of pain come from in me?? I do not understand.
May the love of Jesus fill me as the waters fill the sea; Him exalting, self abasing - this is victory.
May the peace of Christ my Savior rule my life in everything, that I may be calm to comfort sick and sorrowing.
May His beauty rest upon me as I seek the lost to win, and may they forget the channel, seeing only Him.
"God comforts. He doesn't pity. He picks us up, dries our tears, soothes our fears, and lifts our thoughts beyond the hurt." ~Robert Schuller
"God walks with us.... He scoops us up in His arms or simply sits with us in silent strength until we cannot avoid the awesome recognition that yes, even now, He is here." ~Gloria Gaither
"Time passed in silence with God is time spent growing in relationship with Him. And time spent letting His love flow through you to others is an investment in eternity." ~Amy and Judge Reinhold
I am becoming more and more sure of a few things:
1. I will spend time in Denton, wherever else I live, and in New York City caring for the homeless. I will find ways to do this in Denton via my church, Christ Community Church, and I will go back someday to the Bowery Mission in NYC and participate in the amazing ministry there for the third time in my life.
2. I will be an educator of some sort and I will work with children, primarily teens, and I will educate them not just in music or English or history or - God forbid - algebra, but how to live. How to come alive, how to actually care about life once again, how to live with joy because of Jesus.
3. Someday - someday - I will most likely get married. And if I do get married - and possibly even if I don't - I will do foster care and/or adoption. There are too many children who need safe, loving, Christ-filled homes to stay in for me to not open my own home to them.
4. Because of the above things that will happen, I fully anticipate times in the next fifty years of my life when my heart will be so full of love and wonder and happiness and joy that I'll hardly be able to bear it. I will be able to do nothing but fall on my knees and praise and worship God for who He is and what He's done! And then there will be times when my heart will shatter into a thousand pieces and I will absolutely not be able to bear it at all. I will be so angry at God for allowing me to bear these burdens, to feel this pain and not be able to cure it - yet suffering for Christ is the ultimate privilege. "So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you." ~1 Peter 4:19
I can't wait for these stages of life to start. Oh my goodness, I can't wait.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
I'm all for you, body and soul
This post has been very interesting to write. It's taken me three hours to finish! I'm going to attempt NOT to preach, not to condemn, and not to sound like I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just going to compare the purity myth to my own experiences.
The purity myth: what the heck is that? Jessica Valenti, a feminist writer, defines it thusly: "The lie of virginity - the idea that such a thing even exists - is ensuring that young women's perception of themselves is inextricable from their bodies, and that their ability to be moral actors is absolutely dependent on their sexuality....So while young women are subject to overt sexual messages every day, they're simultaneously being taught - by the people who are supposed to care for their personal and moral development, no less - that their only real worth is their virginity and their ability to remain 'pure.'"
First off, by way of a quick explanation, Ms. Valenti says that virginity does not exist because there is no definition of it. She claims that there is no medical, scientific definition of virginity. The dictionary definition is simply "a person that has never had sexual intercourse." Well great, but then of course we must define sexual intercourse: is it vaginal sex? Oral? Anal? Does heavy petting count as sex? How far is too far?? I haven't done enough research to answer her claim, but just from what I've said in this paragraph, I would say that technical "virginity" doesn't matter as much as purity does. You can engage in heavy petting and your "virginity" may very well remain intact - but your purity is compromised.
There is definitely a double standard where purity is concerned. If a woman sleeps around, she is labeled as a slut, a whore, a skank with no pride and no shame, and looked down upon and condemned. If a man sleeps around, he is labeled a ladies' man, a stud, or a player at worst, and he is usually congratulated and looked up to. Sexual violence against women is often blamed on the women themselves, as though they brought this upon themselves by daring to have had consensual sexual encounters before.
Ms. Valenti continues: "I've always found the idea of 'saving' your virginity intriguing - it's not like we're Saran-wrapping our hymens away in the freezer, after all, or pasting them in scrapbooks (admittedly, not the best visual - my apologies). But packed-away virginities aside, the interesting - and dangerous - idea at play here is that of 'morality.' When young women are taught about morality, there's not often talk of compassion, kindness, courage or integrity. There is, however, a lot of talk about hymens (though the preferred words are undoubtedly more refined - think 'virginity' and 'chastity'): if we have them, when we'll lose them, and under what circumstances we'll be rid of them."
I don't know what kind of home Ms. Valenti was raised in, and I have no idea how many families she's interviewed who apparently are currently raising their daughters to believe that virginity is the end-all be-all of a woman's existence. But it doesn't seem to be much like the upbringing I experienced, nor many that I have observed. Morality in my upbringing had little to do with being a virgin and everything to do with compassion, kindness, courage, integrity, and more. Honesty, humility, generosity, obedience, all these things were taught to me from a very young age. Something that was hardly taught at all was anything to do with sex.
This is where it gets a little awkward, but I'm going to be honest here. First of all, yes, I am a virgin, and I am proud of that. I'm twenty-four years old (well I will be on Monday!), and I have never had sex. I've never even kissed anyone. I've never had a boyfriend. And every single bit of information I know about sex, I learned from a book. No one has ever had "the talk" with me. Not one person has ever given me any spoken information about sex. I've never heard anyone actually speak about what it feels like, how to do it, how long it lasts, what happens after. I got my first period when I was eleven; not long after that, my mom handed me a book (appropriately) called Almost Twelve and told me to read it. It would tell me everything I needed to know about menstruation and about the changes that were beginning to happen to my body. I'm sure she added that if I had questions, I could come to her and ask, but I don't remember that specifically, probably because I never did ask her any questions. I've never once talked about sex to my mom, or my older sister, or my aunts, or any other of the older females in my life that all the books say you should talk to about it. I was far too - I guess "embarrassed" is the best word to use. When I read about sex - the actual act of sexual intercourse, what it is and how it happens - well, I thought it was really just gross. Who would want to do that? There is no way that feels good. There is no way people find those parts of the human anatomy to be anything other than just - well, just gross. When I realized that a number of my girlfriends knew what sex was too, I did nothing more than confirm with them that apparently that really was what it was, and that really is how it works, and people really do enjoy it - but we all knew it was gross! - before I put it out of my mind.
That was all when I was twelve, and honestly, I don't think I thought much about sex or spoke about sex to anyone at all (other than love scenes in movies and things of that nature) until I was eighteen or nineteen. I would never have asked my mom questions about it, really. I would have been too embarrassed to ask my mom anything about it, and I think she would have been nearly as embarrassed to answer (though I feel confident she would have answered in some way). I knew everything I needed to know: I knew technically what sexual intercourse was, and I knew that God created it as a gift only to be done between husbands and wives, and any sex outside of marriage was a sin against Him. Oh yeah, that's right - I was raised in a Christian home. I was also home schooled. So you can bet I was sheltered. Oh yes, I was sheltered. I never had a "health class," not like the ones you hear about these days, where either condoms are rolled down bananas or abstinence-only education is screamed in the students' faces. I learned about sex from books. Books written by conservative Christian men, books that told me what sex was and that it was only to be done between a husband and a wife, and anything else was sin. Books that Jessica Valenti would mock and then rip to pieces.
And yes, I will admit that one day when I was probably fourteen or so, I picked up a stray romance novel from a stack of books that someone had left on my table at the library. And when I got to a certain scene in the book, I was shocked. Shocked that not only were these two characters having sex, but they were not married to one another, and they both seemed to be thinking and feeling and desiring things I had never dreamed of. I didn't understand it. Oh sure, I'd seen stuff in movies and TV, but nothing that had told me exactly, specifically, what the characters were thinking. Nothing that could tell me exactly what they did and why they wanted to do it. Now while I have certainly steered clear of the romance sections of libraries and bookstores, that wasn't the only such scene I've ever read in books. I've learned a lot about sex from reading fiction, though most of that reading was done after I graduated high school! When I was in high school, I never experienced the temptation to have sex. Almost all the boys I knew were just like me - Christian and home schooled, no doubt having been handed the same kind of book I had when they were twelve too. Every activity I did, every class I took or trip I went on was through church youth group or a home school organization. I can honestly say that when I was in high school, it never once occurred to me that I could have sex. Having sex was within the scope of possibility. I suppose it helped that I never had a boyfriend in high school, so there was never any immediate temptation for any kind of sexual behavior. Oh, I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to walk down the hall at church holding hands with my boyfriend. I wanted to sit next to my boyfriend in class or meet him in the lunch room at co-op. And looking back, I'm sure I would have agreed to sneak off behind the church for a make-out session every now and then, if I had had a boyfriend. And if I had done that, I'm sure I might have considered seeing how far I could go physically without actually, technically, having sex. Obviously God knew the choices I would make if given the opportunity, so I was fortunate enough to never have had the opportunity! I assumed I was far too smart and sensible to make the wrong decisions - maybe I was and maybe I wasn't. Fortunately, I never had to realize I wasn't! God has really protected me from some serious mistakes.
Wow, super long rabbit trail. All that is to say, I grew up in a home where sex was not talked about at all. The concept of "saving my virginity for marriage" was never brought up by either of my parents that I can recall. I'm sure I mentioned it in passing in my later teens, and they placed literature in my path that praised the idea, but my parents never sought me out to make sure I had made that commitment. The idea of going to a purity ball, or even wearing a purity ring, was never mentioned at home, and none of my friends wore purity rings either. It was just an assumption among all of us that we would be virgins until marriage. There was never any other way for us in high school. Again, we were fortunate.
Now, obviously, Jessica Valenti would ask why on earth having sex is a mistake. Clearly, to her, it isn't. And if the only answer I gave her was because the Bible defines sex as being something that belongs only within marriage, she would laugh me right out the door. Not that that would stop me, but I will admit that I do not want to be labeled only as a sheltered little Christian girl who can't think for herself and bases her choices on a 2,000-year-old book that no one cares about anymore. I absolutely do want to be labeled as a Christian who knows what the Bible says and actually, truly, 100% believes it and acts on those beliefs.
And ironically, those beliefs - and the fact that I care enough about them to hold to them and actually live by them - are the only proof I have that I do have any idea how to think for myself. That I'm not just some crazy little girl who is only doing what she thinks her parents want her to do, who doesn't know how to think any other way.
Believe me, I know the choices I'm capable of making. And now that I'm twenty-four instead of fourteen, or even sixteen or eighteen, I'm at a point in life where those choices mean so much more.
If I had sex right now, this very evening, I would feel guilty, empty, degraded, dirty, worthless. Ms. Valenti would say that's because I would no longer have my virginity, the thing society values so much these days. She would say that sex only has whatever meaning I ascribe to it. If I think having sex is nothing particularly special, I can have it with as many men as I want, and that should have no affect on the fact that I am sweet, generous, kind, friendly, and caring. In a way, Ms. Valenti is right: my worth shouldn't be based on whether or not my hymen is still unbroken. (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence, but whatever.) My worth should be based on what I do and how I act in society.
Well, Ms. Valenti, let me tell you what gives me worth in society. I have the integrity to live by the Bible, and that statement alone will get me guffaws and rolled eyes and mutters under the breath by most of my classmates at college. I have the wisdom to live in a way that is opposite the way I would choose to live otherwise. I have the strength to make choices that earn me shrugs of indifference at best, or ridicule and dismissal as the norm. And one of those choices is to give myself sexually only to my husband. Do I view my virginity as a gift, a "present" to be "given" to someone like a box of chocolates or a new tie? In one sense, no. I don't have some far-fetched idea that sex is just going to be some sort of magical, the-world-turns-upside-down experience that will absolutely blow my mind. There used to be a group on Facebook whose title was exactly what I always thought sex would be: it was called "I'm Saving Myself For Wild, Passionate, Awkward Honeymoon Sex." I fully expect sex to be that way for the first few weeks: wild, passionate, and so, so awkward. And I don't think that I myself am necessarily going to be particularly gifted at it. But in another sense, I do view my virginity as a treasure, a prize, a pearl of great price. I fully intend that only one person will ever take my virginity: my husband. No, I'm not gift-wrapping my hymen and putting it in the freezer or a scrapbook until I meet him (again, I can't believe I just typed that sentence, but whatever...). I just happen to believe in something more than myself. I believe in Someone more than myself. I believe God created sex to be a gift to married couples - why would I ruin something that was intended to be a gift to me? If you don't believe the same way that I do, that's fine, it's your decision, but don't call me a prude for valuing my virginity far more than you value your own.
All in all, I really have no reason to care about my virginity without my Christian beliefs. If I disregarded those, I'm sure I'd go out to a bar tonight and see who I might meet. I've wondered what it would be like to actually go to a bar and see if anyone tried to pick me up (yes, I have been to bars before, and yes, one or two drunk guys have flirted with me, and no, I never flirted back, and yes, I have been drunk before, and no, I'm not ashamed of any of that!). I've often wondered if that scene, so often done in movies and books, really does happen in real life. (More rabbit trails - sorry! Back to the point!)
The point is, Jessica Valenti would probably scoff at my decision to view my body as needing to be "protected" and kept "pure." She would probably think I'm just a sad loser who is only a virgin because I haven't found anyone willing to do the deed with me. I'm sorry she thinks that way. I'm sorry anyone thinks that way. I could go on and on and on about the effects sex can have on a person, emotionally and physically, and the dangers of STDs and unwanted pregnancies and abortions and miscarriages and so on and so forth. But I'll spare you that. You can Google those details for yourself. Me, I'm going to continue to value myself and my body. I'm going to continue to not have sex, until I get married, if that ever happens. I'm going to continue to do what I can to protect my purity and the purity of others. If that earns me the label I so dislike, that of a clueless little girl who lives in a bubble and doesn't know any other way...fine. UGH, but fine. You're wrong, but fine. I've already been so blessed by choosing to wait. You can call my husband in ten years and ask if he's happy I waited.
I'm pretty sure he'll say yes.
Meanwhile, I have some books to read...and no, none of them are about sex.
The purity myth: what the heck is that? Jessica Valenti, a feminist writer, defines it thusly: "The lie of virginity - the idea that such a thing even exists - is ensuring that young women's perception of themselves is inextricable from their bodies, and that their ability to be moral actors is absolutely dependent on their sexuality....So while young women are subject to overt sexual messages every day, they're simultaneously being taught - by the people who are supposed to care for their personal and moral development, no less - that their only real worth is their virginity and their ability to remain 'pure.'"
First off, by way of a quick explanation, Ms. Valenti says that virginity does not exist because there is no definition of it. She claims that there is no medical, scientific definition of virginity. The dictionary definition is simply "a person that has never had sexual intercourse." Well great, but then of course we must define sexual intercourse: is it vaginal sex? Oral? Anal? Does heavy petting count as sex? How far is too far?? I haven't done enough research to answer her claim, but just from what I've said in this paragraph, I would say that technical "virginity" doesn't matter as much as purity does. You can engage in heavy petting and your "virginity" may very well remain intact - but your purity is compromised.
There is definitely a double standard where purity is concerned. If a woman sleeps around, she is labeled as a slut, a whore, a skank with no pride and no shame, and looked down upon and condemned. If a man sleeps around, he is labeled a ladies' man, a stud, or a player at worst, and he is usually congratulated and looked up to. Sexual violence against women is often blamed on the women themselves, as though they brought this upon themselves by daring to have had consensual sexual encounters before.
Ms. Valenti continues: "I've always found the idea of 'saving' your virginity intriguing - it's not like we're Saran-wrapping our hymens away in the freezer, after all, or pasting them in scrapbooks (admittedly, not the best visual - my apologies). But packed-away virginities aside, the interesting - and dangerous - idea at play here is that of 'morality.' When young women are taught about morality, there's not often talk of compassion, kindness, courage or integrity. There is, however, a lot of talk about hymens (though the preferred words are undoubtedly more refined - think 'virginity' and 'chastity'): if we have them, when we'll lose them, and under what circumstances we'll be rid of them."
I don't know what kind of home Ms. Valenti was raised in, and I have no idea how many families she's interviewed who apparently are currently raising their daughters to believe that virginity is the end-all be-all of a woman's existence. But it doesn't seem to be much like the upbringing I experienced, nor many that I have observed. Morality in my upbringing had little to do with being a virgin and everything to do with compassion, kindness, courage, integrity, and more. Honesty, humility, generosity, obedience, all these things were taught to me from a very young age. Something that was hardly taught at all was anything to do with sex.
This is where it gets a little awkward, but I'm going to be honest here. First of all, yes, I am a virgin, and I am proud of that. I'm twenty-four years old (well I will be on Monday!), and I have never had sex. I've never even kissed anyone. I've never had a boyfriend. And every single bit of information I know about sex, I learned from a book. No one has ever had "the talk" with me. Not one person has ever given me any spoken information about sex. I've never heard anyone actually speak about what it feels like, how to do it, how long it lasts, what happens after. I got my first period when I was eleven; not long after that, my mom handed me a book (appropriately) called Almost Twelve and told me to read it. It would tell me everything I needed to know about menstruation and about the changes that were beginning to happen to my body. I'm sure she added that if I had questions, I could come to her and ask, but I don't remember that specifically, probably because I never did ask her any questions. I've never once talked about sex to my mom, or my older sister, or my aunts, or any other of the older females in my life that all the books say you should talk to about it. I was far too - I guess "embarrassed" is the best word to use. When I read about sex - the actual act of sexual intercourse, what it is and how it happens - well, I thought it was really just gross. Who would want to do that? There is no way that feels good. There is no way people find those parts of the human anatomy to be anything other than just - well, just gross. When I realized that a number of my girlfriends knew what sex was too, I did nothing more than confirm with them that apparently that really was what it was, and that really is how it works, and people really do enjoy it - but we all knew it was gross! - before I put it out of my mind.
That was all when I was twelve, and honestly, I don't think I thought much about sex or spoke about sex to anyone at all (other than love scenes in movies and things of that nature) until I was eighteen or nineteen. I would never have asked my mom questions about it, really. I would have been too embarrassed to ask my mom anything about it, and I think she would have been nearly as embarrassed to answer (though I feel confident she would have answered in some way). I knew everything I needed to know: I knew technically what sexual intercourse was, and I knew that God created it as a gift only to be done between husbands and wives, and any sex outside of marriage was a sin against Him. Oh yeah, that's right - I was raised in a Christian home. I was also home schooled. So you can bet I was sheltered. Oh yes, I was sheltered. I never had a "health class," not like the ones you hear about these days, where either condoms are rolled down bananas or abstinence-only education is screamed in the students' faces. I learned about sex from books. Books written by conservative Christian men, books that told me what sex was and that it was only to be done between a husband and a wife, and anything else was sin. Books that Jessica Valenti would mock and then rip to pieces.
And yes, I will admit that one day when I was probably fourteen or so, I picked up a stray romance novel from a stack of books that someone had left on my table at the library. And when I got to a certain scene in the book, I was shocked. Shocked that not only were these two characters having sex, but they were not married to one another, and they both seemed to be thinking and feeling and desiring things I had never dreamed of. I didn't understand it. Oh sure, I'd seen stuff in movies and TV, but nothing that had told me exactly, specifically, what the characters were thinking. Nothing that could tell me exactly what they did and why they wanted to do it. Now while I have certainly steered clear of the romance sections of libraries and bookstores, that wasn't the only such scene I've ever read in books. I've learned a lot about sex from reading fiction, though most of that reading was done after I graduated high school! When I was in high school, I never experienced the temptation to have sex. Almost all the boys I knew were just like me - Christian and home schooled, no doubt having been handed the same kind of book I had when they were twelve too. Every activity I did, every class I took or trip I went on was through church youth group or a home school organization. I can honestly say that when I was in high school, it never once occurred to me that I could have sex. Having sex was within the scope of possibility. I suppose it helped that I never had a boyfriend in high school, so there was never any immediate temptation for any kind of sexual behavior. Oh, I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to walk down the hall at church holding hands with my boyfriend. I wanted to sit next to my boyfriend in class or meet him in the lunch room at co-op. And looking back, I'm sure I would have agreed to sneak off behind the church for a make-out session every now and then, if I had had a boyfriend. And if I had done that, I'm sure I might have considered seeing how far I could go physically without actually, technically, having sex. Obviously God knew the choices I would make if given the opportunity, so I was fortunate enough to never have had the opportunity! I assumed I was far too smart and sensible to make the wrong decisions - maybe I was and maybe I wasn't. Fortunately, I never had to realize I wasn't! God has really protected me from some serious mistakes.
Wow, super long rabbit trail. All that is to say, I grew up in a home where sex was not talked about at all. The concept of "saving my virginity for marriage" was never brought up by either of my parents that I can recall. I'm sure I mentioned it in passing in my later teens, and they placed literature in my path that praised the idea, but my parents never sought me out to make sure I had made that commitment. The idea of going to a purity ball, or even wearing a purity ring, was never mentioned at home, and none of my friends wore purity rings either. It was just an assumption among all of us that we would be virgins until marriage. There was never any other way for us in high school. Again, we were fortunate.
Now, obviously, Jessica Valenti would ask why on earth having sex is a mistake. Clearly, to her, it isn't. And if the only answer I gave her was because the Bible defines sex as being something that belongs only within marriage, she would laugh me right out the door. Not that that would stop me, but I will admit that I do not want to be labeled only as a sheltered little Christian girl who can't think for herself and bases her choices on a 2,000-year-old book that no one cares about anymore. I absolutely do want to be labeled as a Christian who knows what the Bible says and actually, truly, 100% believes it and acts on those beliefs.
And ironically, those beliefs - and the fact that I care enough about them to hold to them and actually live by them - are the only proof I have that I do have any idea how to think for myself. That I'm not just some crazy little girl who is only doing what she thinks her parents want her to do, who doesn't know how to think any other way.
Believe me, I know the choices I'm capable of making. And now that I'm twenty-four instead of fourteen, or even sixteen or eighteen, I'm at a point in life where those choices mean so much more.
If I had sex right now, this very evening, I would feel guilty, empty, degraded, dirty, worthless. Ms. Valenti would say that's because I would no longer have my virginity, the thing society values so much these days. She would say that sex only has whatever meaning I ascribe to it. If I think having sex is nothing particularly special, I can have it with as many men as I want, and that should have no affect on the fact that I am sweet, generous, kind, friendly, and caring. In a way, Ms. Valenti is right: my worth shouldn't be based on whether or not my hymen is still unbroken. (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence, but whatever.) My worth should be based on what I do and how I act in society.
Well, Ms. Valenti, let me tell you what gives me worth in society. I have the integrity to live by the Bible, and that statement alone will get me guffaws and rolled eyes and mutters under the breath by most of my classmates at college. I have the wisdom to live in a way that is opposite the way I would choose to live otherwise. I have the strength to make choices that earn me shrugs of indifference at best, or ridicule and dismissal as the norm. And one of those choices is to give myself sexually only to my husband. Do I view my virginity as a gift, a "present" to be "given" to someone like a box of chocolates or a new tie? In one sense, no. I don't have some far-fetched idea that sex is just going to be some sort of magical, the-world-turns-upside-down experience that will absolutely blow my mind. There used to be a group on Facebook whose title was exactly what I always thought sex would be: it was called "I'm Saving Myself For Wild, Passionate, Awkward Honeymoon Sex." I fully expect sex to be that way for the first few weeks: wild, passionate, and so, so awkward. And I don't think that I myself am necessarily going to be particularly gifted at it. But in another sense, I do view my virginity as a treasure, a prize, a pearl of great price. I fully intend that only one person will ever take my virginity: my husband. No, I'm not gift-wrapping my hymen and putting it in the freezer or a scrapbook until I meet him (again, I can't believe I just typed that sentence, but whatever...). I just happen to believe in something more than myself. I believe in Someone more than myself. I believe God created sex to be a gift to married couples - why would I ruin something that was intended to be a gift to me? If you don't believe the same way that I do, that's fine, it's your decision, but don't call me a prude for valuing my virginity far more than you value your own.
All in all, I really have no reason to care about my virginity without my Christian beliefs. If I disregarded those, I'm sure I'd go out to a bar tonight and see who I might meet. I've wondered what it would be like to actually go to a bar and see if anyone tried to pick me up (yes, I have been to bars before, and yes, one or two drunk guys have flirted with me, and no, I never flirted back, and yes, I have been drunk before, and no, I'm not ashamed of any of that!). I've often wondered if that scene, so often done in movies and books, really does happen in real life. (More rabbit trails - sorry! Back to the point!)
The point is, Jessica Valenti would probably scoff at my decision to view my body as needing to be "protected" and kept "pure." She would probably think I'm just a sad loser who is only a virgin because I haven't found anyone willing to do the deed with me. I'm sorry she thinks that way. I'm sorry anyone thinks that way. I could go on and on and on about the effects sex can have on a person, emotionally and physically, and the dangers of STDs and unwanted pregnancies and abortions and miscarriages and so on and so forth. But I'll spare you that. You can Google those details for yourself. Me, I'm going to continue to value myself and my body. I'm going to continue to not have sex, until I get married, if that ever happens. I'm going to continue to do what I can to protect my purity and the purity of others. If that earns me the label I so dislike, that of a clueless little girl who lives in a bubble and doesn't know any other way...fine. UGH, but fine. You're wrong, but fine. I've already been so blessed by choosing to wait. You can call my husband in ten years and ask if he's happy I waited.
I'm pretty sure he'll say yes.
Meanwhile, I have some books to read...and no, none of them are about sex.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
I'm just...I mean, this is exhausting.
I just prayed that God would prepare for me a life in New York City.
This is years away, as in it will not happen for real until after I graduate from TWU, but I feel more and more that at that time, my future lies in New York City. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to want to leave Texas. I don't know if I would want to raise a family in New York, but I really do want to live there for at least two or three years after I graduate college.
This is so strange. It does not at all line up with what I thought my life would be when I was sixteen. Let's see what my life would have been like if I were the one calling all the shots...
Once I graduated high school in 2007, I would have most likely chosen to go to Texas Tech. The only reason I didn't actually pursue going there was because it was just too big. I wanted a smaller school.
After my first semester there, I would have sat first chair flute.
I would have spent my days in a practice room and my evenings with my school and/or church friends, laughing non-stop.
I would have met a guy my freshman year and been in a relationship by Christmas.
I would have been married by 21.
I would have graduated college by 22.
I would have become a band director immediately after graduation.
I would have had my first baby by 25.
I would have had my second baby by 28.
I would have had my third baby by 30.
My family would be living in a good house in Dallas and I would be homeschooling my children and living near at least a few childhood friends, who would also be married and beginning to have babies that my children could be friends with. We'd live near my parents too, so they could be involved in their grandchildren's lives, and Mindy and her family would visit a few times a year too.
Then I would turn 33, maybe 34 or 35.
But instead, this is what happened.
I graduated high school in 2007 and went to community college for a year.
I chose to attend Texas Woman's University and started off with three scholarships and loving my classes.
I did not sit first chair flute by any means.
I rarely practiced, despite being beseiged with music.
I did not make any friends that I ever spoke to outside of class.
I did not meet a guy. Though to be fair, the odds of that were never in my favor, given the school I chose (and yes, men actually do go to TWU...we went co-ed in the '70's!).
I dropped out of school when I was 21.
I spent two years working at Chick-fil-A and a string of unsuccessful minimum wage jobs, most of which I hated.
I spent two years as a youth leader and one year as a BSF leader, which remain two of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life.
I re-applied to TWU when I was 23 and was re-accepted.
I'm about to turn 24 and have yet to even go on a date, let alone be in a relationship.
When I graduate college, I will probably be 26.
I don't even want to think about how old I'll be by the time I get married and have my first baby.
I want to move to New York City, find a job and volunteer at the Bowery Mission as much as I can around my job.
I want to find a guy who will either go with me to New York or find a way to come there to be with me, or else meet one there who will share whatever my life turns into once I get there.
Those two things - moving to New York City and falling in love and getting married - are the two things I want right now more than anything in the world.
I really think I have some kind of future in New York City. It will be so difficult, so lonely, so hard, I can't even imagine. Once I'm there, I will probably cry myself to sleep six nights a week because of how lonely I am or how worried I am about finances or how difficult I find my job.
Which is why I need to commit to pray every day for the life I crave in New York City. I need to pray that God will prepare a place for me to live, a place for me to work, and a place for me to fit in. That He will bring me a group of friends that I can see on a regular basis, a church where I can serve, time to volunteer at the Bowery, and a man who will love me and support me and cause me to grow in Christ. A man who I can honor and cherish and love more than anyone else. A man who will marry me. Who on earth could that be?
My life is turning out so very, very different than I ever thought it would.
God, please ready my life after graduation, whether that be in New York or Dallas or wherever. Ready my heart for my husband, or if that isn't Your will, make my heart submissive to life as a single woman. The two things I want most - a life in New York and a husband - I lay at Your feet. Take them from me and do with them what You know is best.
"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" ~Psalm 27:14
This is years away, as in it will not happen for real until after I graduate from TWU, but I feel more and more that at that time, my future lies in New York City. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to want to leave Texas. I don't know if I would want to raise a family in New York, but I really do want to live there for at least two or three years after I graduate college.
This is so strange. It does not at all line up with what I thought my life would be when I was sixteen. Let's see what my life would have been like if I were the one calling all the shots...
Once I graduated high school in 2007, I would have most likely chosen to go to Texas Tech. The only reason I didn't actually pursue going there was because it was just too big. I wanted a smaller school.
After my first semester there, I would have sat first chair flute.
I would have spent my days in a practice room and my evenings with my school and/or church friends, laughing non-stop.
I would have met a guy my freshman year and been in a relationship by Christmas.
I would have been married by 21.
I would have graduated college by 22.
I would have become a band director immediately after graduation.
I would have had my first baby by 25.
I would have had my second baby by 28.
I would have had my third baby by 30.
My family would be living in a good house in Dallas and I would be homeschooling my children and living near at least a few childhood friends, who would also be married and beginning to have babies that my children could be friends with. We'd live near my parents too, so they could be involved in their grandchildren's lives, and Mindy and her family would visit a few times a year too.
Then I would turn 33, maybe 34 or 35.
But instead, this is what happened.
I graduated high school in 2007 and went to community college for a year.
I chose to attend Texas Woman's University and started off with three scholarships and loving my classes.
I did not sit first chair flute by any means.
I rarely practiced, despite being beseiged with music.
I did not make any friends that I ever spoke to outside of class.
I did not meet a guy. Though to be fair, the odds of that were never in my favor, given the school I chose (and yes, men actually do go to TWU...we went co-ed in the '70's!).
I dropped out of school when I was 21.
I spent two years working at Chick-fil-A and a string of unsuccessful minimum wage jobs, most of which I hated.
I spent two years as a youth leader and one year as a BSF leader, which remain two of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life.
I re-applied to TWU when I was 23 and was re-accepted.
I'm about to turn 24 and have yet to even go on a date, let alone be in a relationship.
When I graduate college, I will probably be 26.
I don't even want to think about how old I'll be by the time I get married and have my first baby.
I want to move to New York City, find a job and volunteer at the Bowery Mission as much as I can around my job.
I want to find a guy who will either go with me to New York or find a way to come there to be with me, or else meet one there who will share whatever my life turns into once I get there.
Those two things - moving to New York City and falling in love and getting married - are the two things I want right now more than anything in the world.
I really think I have some kind of future in New York City. It will be so difficult, so lonely, so hard, I can't even imagine. Once I'm there, I will probably cry myself to sleep six nights a week because of how lonely I am or how worried I am about finances or how difficult I find my job.
Which is why I need to commit to pray every day for the life I crave in New York City. I need to pray that God will prepare a place for me to live, a place for me to work, and a place for me to fit in. That He will bring me a group of friends that I can see on a regular basis, a church where I can serve, time to volunteer at the Bowery, and a man who will love me and support me and cause me to grow in Christ. A man who I can honor and cherish and love more than anyone else. A man who will marry me. Who on earth could that be?
My life is turning out so very, very different than I ever thought it would.
God, please ready my life after graduation, whether that be in New York or Dallas or wherever. Ready my heart for my husband, or if that isn't Your will, make my heart submissive to life as a single woman. The two things I want most - a life in New York and a husband - I lay at Your feet. Take them from me and do with them what You know is best.
"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" ~Psalm 27:14
Friday, September 28, 2012
I'm just crackers about cheese
1. Pick 20 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING or using IMDb search or other search functions. DON'T CHEAT!
1. I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. "Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
2. And though I'll think of you, I guess, until the day I die, I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by, Johanna...
3. Rapunzel? Did I ever tell you I've got a thing for brunettes?
4. "Gesundheit."
"That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me!"
5. The peasant! At the diner! ...He didn't pay his check.
6. I want adventure in the great wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell! And for once it might be grand to have someone understand - I want so much more than they've got planned...
7. Um...you...you fight good.
8. Oh well. What's a royal ball? After all, I suppose it would be frightfully dull, and boring, and completely...completely wonderful.
9. So long...pardner.
10. "You read my diary?"
"At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."
11. "How do I look?"
"Like a new mom. Scared shitless."
12. "So what do you recommend to encourage affection?"
"Dancing. Even if one's partner is barely tolerable."
13. I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awaken. But for now, sleep, and dream of large women.
14. You have no soul, Henslowe, so how can you understand the emptiness that seeks a soulmate?
15. Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled, 'tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep's world. Where there's hardly no day, nor hardly no night. There's things half in shadows, and halfway in light. On the rooftops of London - coo - what a sight!
16. Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
17. "William's just turned down Anna Scott."
"You daft prick."
18. "What are you doing? Get up! You can't sit there! GET UP! "
"Why not? It's a chair."
"No, that. It is not a chair. T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair."
"People have carved their names on it."
"That... chair... is the seat on which every king and queen has... That is the Stone of - you ah-are trivializing everything. You trivialize..."
"It's held in place by a large rock. I don't care about how many royal arseholes have sat in this chair."
"Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME!"
"Listen to you? By what right?"
"By divine right if you must, I am your king."
"No you're not, you told me so yourself. You didn't want it. Why should I waste my time listening?"
"Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!"
"...Yes, you do. You have such perseverance Bertie, you're the bravest man I know."
19. If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.
20. Harry, you are so loved. Mama loves you. Daddy loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong.
Well, there you have it. Twenty of my favorite movies. Now I want to watch ALL of them again...
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING or using IMDb search or other search functions. DON'T CHEAT!
1. I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. "Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
2. And though I'll think of you, I guess, until the day I die, I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by, Johanna...
3. Rapunzel? Did I ever tell you I've got a thing for brunettes?
4. "Gesundheit."
"That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me!"
5. The peasant! At the diner! ...He didn't pay his check.
6. I want adventure in the great wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell! And for once it might be grand to have someone understand - I want so much more than they've got planned...
7. Um...you...you fight good.
8. Oh well. What's a royal ball? After all, I suppose it would be frightfully dull, and boring, and completely...completely wonderful.
9. So long...pardner.
10. "You read my diary?"
"At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."
11. "How do I look?"
"Like a new mom. Scared shitless."
12. "So what do you recommend to encourage affection?"
"Dancing. Even if one's partner is barely tolerable."
13. I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awaken. But for now, sleep, and dream of large women.
14. You have no soul, Henslowe, so how can you understand the emptiness that seeks a soulmate?
15. Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled, 'tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep's world. Where there's hardly no day, nor hardly no night. There's things half in shadows, and halfway in light. On the rooftops of London - coo - what a sight!
16. Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
17. "William's just turned down Anna Scott."
"You daft prick."
18. "What are you doing? Get up! You can't sit there! GET UP! "
"Why not? It's a chair."
"No, that. It is not a chair. T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair."
"People have carved their names on it."
"That... chair... is the seat on which every king and queen has... That is the Stone of - you ah-are trivializing everything. You trivialize..."
"It's held in place by a large rock. I don't care about how many royal arseholes have sat in this chair."
"Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME!"
"Listen to you? By what right?"
"By divine right if you must, I am your king."
"No you're not, you told me so yourself. You didn't want it. Why should I waste my time listening?"
"Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!"
"...Yes, you do. You have such perseverance Bertie, you're the bravest man I know."
19. If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.
20. Harry, you are so loved. Mama loves you. Daddy loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong.
Well, there you have it. Twenty of my favorite movies. Now I want to watch ALL of them again...
Friday, September 21, 2012
a chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there
If God created all things, then it is reasonable to say that our chief reason for being is to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever.
How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who is doing things I don't understand and that are causing me pain? How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who keeps telling me things I don't want to hear, especially when I think things ought to be different?
As vast and powerful as are the forces of nature, God controls them. As mighty as some individuals or governments may seem, God rules them.
So why doesn't God change that person's heart? Why doesn't God allow the circumstances of this person's life to change? Why doesn't He do what I have been begging Him to do for months?
"With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day" ~1 Peter 3:8
I've been waiting what feels like a thousand years, and I think I'm being asked to wait a thousand more. Do I trust God enough to do that? Do I find enough satisfaction in God alone, and His overwhelming, unending, absolutely amazing love for me, that I can humbly say, "Yes, Lord, I'll keep waiting"? And maybe even mean it?
Are you convinced that God Himself carried out this great work [the creation of the world]? Have you begun to realize that He placed you within His world for His high purpose? How does this change your thoughts and plans for your life? To what are you dedicating your days and years?
1. I've only been taught this since I was a baby. Yes, of course I am convinced. I've seen enough of the world to know it could never have been created any other way. I've climbed mountains in Colorado, run through fields of wildflowers in England, walked along the beaches of Santa Domingo, even when I was at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City - I know God is the Creator and Redeemer of this amazing world in which I live.
2. Another fact I've known for many years. And I know a few general purposes He has for my life: to bring Him glory, to tell others about Him, to minister in some way in a church setting, to teach in some form of school setting. How on earth did He choose me? How did He notice me among the rest of His creation? And what does He have in store for me?? The best years of my life are underway, and I don't want to waste them. I don't want HIM to waste them. What am I thinking??
3. I know my life is His, to do with what He wants. BUT WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?? HOW LONG DOES HE WANT ME TO WAIT?? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME?
4. I don't quite know right now. I'm searching for a ministry, I'm working on being able to teach, and I'm wondering if I will ever be able to have the family I've always dreamed of having. And whether I'll have to wait ten more years for that to happen. I think right now, whether it's a good thing or not, I'm dedicating most of my time to waiting...
The first result of receiving Jesus is that light reveals the former darkness. Jesus, the spiritual light, separeates from darkness. A new way of life, of thinking and acting in the light, then begins. Have you received Jesus into your life? Are you suddenly able to see what you could not understand or appreciate before? What do you plan to do today concerning your emotions, mind, or actions as this light reveals the truth about God and about you?
Jesus has been Lord of my life since I was eight years old, but I still struggle daily to let Him do His work. I'm pretty sure He doesn't know that my way is better. My way is much more efficient, much quicker, and will save so many people SO much pain - particularly ME. My way is only fair, and quite frankly, I'm a little insulted that He hasn't seemed to grasp just how well it will work and how much time and emotion and energy it will save if we just DID IT MY WAY FOR ONCE!!! Sigh. I have already done this, over and over again, but I plan to pray that God will help my unbelief. Mark 9:24 has been my prayer for months. "I DO believe - help my unbelief!" I am still in darkness about why I am still waiting. Lord Jesus, let my heart submit to whatever it is that You're doing. I will do whatever You want, it doesn't matter. I'll do it. I will. I don't understand why You keep telling me to wait, and wait, and wait, and You don't tell me anything else, and You allow people to make what I am sure are the wrong decisions. How am I supposed to help him, and him, and him, and her, and her, and her, and them? How am I supposed to do this? Help me, Lord Jesus - help my unbelief.
Now that light and life have come through God's Word, will you enter with Him into a new day, separated from the former empty life and completely reoriented to His beautiful purpose?
His purpose is beautiful. My life in Him is beautiful. The rest of the life I have yet to live in Him will also be beautiful. "He has made everything beautiful in its time." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11
When will my time come?
What am I waiting for?
My heart, being deceitful above all things and desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9), wants to continue bemoaning the endless waiting I am enduring, and the pain that accompanies. But my heart is also a temple of the Holy Spirit, and He is leaving this verse on my mind:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I receieved from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." ~Acts 20:24, ESV
^That is my prayer. Nothing else will cure this pain. Nothing else will make any difference of any kind. Nothing else will ever matter. No one else will ever matter. Not like that verse does.
How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who is doing things I don't understand and that are causing me pain? How am I supposed to enjoy Someone who keeps telling me things I don't want to hear, especially when I think things ought to be different?
As vast and powerful as are the forces of nature, God controls them. As mighty as some individuals or governments may seem, God rules them.
So why doesn't God change that person's heart? Why doesn't God allow the circumstances of this person's life to change? Why doesn't He do what I have been begging Him to do for months?
"With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day" ~1 Peter 3:8
I've been waiting what feels like a thousand years, and I think I'm being asked to wait a thousand more. Do I trust God enough to do that? Do I find enough satisfaction in God alone, and His overwhelming, unending, absolutely amazing love for me, that I can humbly say, "Yes, Lord, I'll keep waiting"? And maybe even mean it?
Are you convinced that God Himself carried out this great work [the creation of the world]? Have you begun to realize that He placed you within His world for His high purpose? How does this change your thoughts and plans for your life? To what are you dedicating your days and years?
1. I've only been taught this since I was a baby. Yes, of course I am convinced. I've seen enough of the world to know it could never have been created any other way. I've climbed mountains in Colorado, run through fields of wildflowers in England, walked along the beaches of Santa Domingo, even when I was at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City - I know God is the Creator and Redeemer of this amazing world in which I live.
2. Another fact I've known for many years. And I know a few general purposes He has for my life: to bring Him glory, to tell others about Him, to minister in some way in a church setting, to teach in some form of school setting. How on earth did He choose me? How did He notice me among the rest of His creation? And what does He have in store for me?? The best years of my life are underway, and I don't want to waste them. I don't want HIM to waste them. What am I thinking??
3. I know my life is His, to do with what He wants. BUT WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?? HOW LONG DOES HE WANT ME TO WAIT?? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME?
4. I don't quite know right now. I'm searching for a ministry, I'm working on being able to teach, and I'm wondering if I will ever be able to have the family I've always dreamed of having. And whether I'll have to wait ten more years for that to happen. I think right now, whether it's a good thing or not, I'm dedicating most of my time to waiting...
The first result of receiving Jesus is that light reveals the former darkness. Jesus, the spiritual light, separeates from darkness. A new way of life, of thinking and acting in the light, then begins. Have you received Jesus into your life? Are you suddenly able to see what you could not understand or appreciate before? What do you plan to do today concerning your emotions, mind, or actions as this light reveals the truth about God and about you?
Jesus has been Lord of my life since I was eight years old, but I still struggle daily to let Him do His work. I'm pretty sure He doesn't know that my way is better. My way is much more efficient, much quicker, and will save so many people SO much pain - particularly ME. My way is only fair, and quite frankly, I'm a little insulted that He hasn't seemed to grasp just how well it will work and how much time and emotion and energy it will save if we just DID IT MY WAY FOR ONCE!!! Sigh. I have already done this, over and over again, but I plan to pray that God will help my unbelief. Mark 9:24 has been my prayer for months. "I DO believe - help my unbelief!" I am still in darkness about why I am still waiting. Lord Jesus, let my heart submit to whatever it is that You're doing. I will do whatever You want, it doesn't matter. I'll do it. I will. I don't understand why You keep telling me to wait, and wait, and wait, and You don't tell me anything else, and You allow people to make what I am sure are the wrong decisions. How am I supposed to help him, and him, and him, and her, and her, and her, and them? How am I supposed to do this? Help me, Lord Jesus - help my unbelief.
Now that light and life have come through God's Word, will you enter with Him into a new day, separated from the former empty life and completely reoriented to His beautiful purpose?
His purpose is beautiful. My life in Him is beautiful. The rest of the life I have yet to live in Him will also be beautiful. "He has made everything beautiful in its time." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11
When will my time come?
What am I waiting for?
My heart, being deceitful above all things and desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9), wants to continue bemoaning the endless waiting I am enduring, and the pain that accompanies. But my heart is also a temple of the Holy Spirit, and He is leaving this verse on my mind:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I receieved from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." ~Acts 20:24, ESV
^That is my prayer. Nothing else will cure this pain. Nothing else will make any difference of any kind. Nothing else will ever matter. No one else will ever matter. Not like that verse does.
Friday, September 7, 2012
maybe you'll be lonesome too
One of my favorite things lately is the concept of "brutal honesty." Let's face it - without honesty, I am a failure. Forget the moral implications of dishonesty. Not being brutally honest with others led me into a pit. Complete and utter darkness. Dishonesty was, essentially, what broke me. Lying to others about what I was doing, feeling, thinking - that was the most foolish thing I've ever done. I still shake my head at myself when I remember how I lied to my best friend's face. She asked me how school was going, how my grades were, and I smiled and nodded and said, "Everything is fine." When I was actually screaming on the inside, desperate, but too scared to do anything to help myself. My friend was throwing me a lifeline, and I was too afraid to take it. If I had only been honest with her - who knows what might have happened.
And now for some brutal honesty. Here it is. This might shock you all - brace yourselves! - but I am fairly certain that I want to be married more than anything else in the world.
There. I said it.
I suppose this really isn't particularly brutal honesty. I like to think I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way, for one thing. And for another, I've said this before. This isn't some huge, outrageous confession I'm making. My friends have known this about me for quite some time. I'm sure that most people would assume it about any 24-year-old woman who has spent her entire life single and continues to do so.
I have always known that my perpetual singleness was a blessing, an absolute gift, from God. I knew that if He had allowed the boy(s) I liked to pursue me, I would have regretted it later. I would have regretted the relationships I so desperately coveted at the time. Yes, coveted. Everyone else around me was (and still is, to this day!) in a relationship of sorts, or if they weren't, it didn't matter to them. Not like it did to me. What was wrong with me? Why did none of the guys I knew ever seem to think I was girlfriend material?
I suppose if they had, or if I had had slightly more conservative parents, I might have taken the whole "purity ring" approach to things. I always knew I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night. That was, and has always been, the route I've chosen for myself. No one in my circle of friends has ever thought it was weird. It was the route all my friends chose for themselves too, back in the day. Losing your virginity would have been unthinkable. It was so unthinkable, in fact, that I imagine that's why we never bothered with purity rings. We didn't need them. We knew we would be virgins until marriage. There was never any other way.
And I always wondered when I would meet him. The boy who would actually see me in a way that none of the other boys ever seemed to. The boy who would actually do something about his feelings for me. The boy who had the guts to pursue me. Fellas, I realize it's a terrifying thing, pursuing a girl. If you ask her out, she might say no. OUCH. But the other option is far more terrifying: she might say yes. And then what do you do?? I know it's scary, either way it goes. And I've been waiting nearly 24 years for that guy, whoever he is, to screw up the courage and just freaking ask me out already.
I'm not done waiting for him. And I've realized something else...
I may always be waiting for him.
If I never marry, I will go to my grave waiting for him. My husband. I will spend my entire life waiting for my husband, even if he never comes. That's just the way it's going to be.
But something else I've realized...
I'm not waiting for my life to begin.
I'm not waiting for God to come through for me.
I'm not waiting for God's promise of abundant life.
Because I already have that. I already have my Beloved. I already have the joy of Christ, the salvation of His blood, the forgiveness from my sin, the grace and peace and eternal life He promises. I have His blessing, I am His treasured child, an heir with Christ. I am not waiting for Him to bless me with my idea of abundant life in Him.
I already have it.
Yes, I am waiting for someone, and I am not pleased that I have been told time and time again that I must wait, and keep waiting, and keep waiting, and wait some more. If I had a nickel for every time I've pleaded with God to change that answer, I could probably buy a month's worth of groceries. If I had a dime for every tear I've shed because of how much this endless waiting hurts, I could probably just buy out the grocery store. Just tonight, writing this entry, I have wept. I have wept because I am so tired of waiting, and there is no guarantee I'll ever stop. I have accepted the fact that I may wait for my husband for the rest of my life - and he may never show up.
But I'm determined I'll submit. I have told God, as I grit my teeth to bear the pain, that I would do whatever He asked of me. I believe in His total, utter and complete goodness. I believe in His infinite wisdom, the fact that He knows my heart, which is desperately sick and deceitful, better than I ever will. I believe in His ability to provide, and I also believe that He is all I will ever need. I don't need a husband. I don't need children. I don't need anything, except that which I already have: abundant life in Christ.
This obedience and submission sucks. It really does. (More brutal honesty.) It hurts so much. I would love nothing more than for the waiting to stop, for my idea of abundant life to begin. I almost wish God would apologize to me for putting me through all this pain and making me wait so long and never really rewarding me for my absolutely unending patience. Really, I have been a saint through all this. Isn't it time I got what I want for once??
He isn't a tame Lion.
I am to submit. He knows. He knows our weaknesses and our limitations. He bore those same things Himself when He was human. He knows how much my fragile, desperately wicked heart can handle. He knows how I can best bring glory to Him - as a wife and a mother, or just as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, a teacher, a mentor. He knows. And on top of everything that He knows - He loves! Oh, how He loves us so!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
And now for some brutal honesty. Here it is. This might shock you all - brace yourselves! - but I am fairly certain that I want to be married more than anything else in the world.
There. I said it.
I suppose this really isn't particularly brutal honesty. I like to think I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way, for one thing. And for another, I've said this before. This isn't some huge, outrageous confession I'm making. My friends have known this about me for quite some time. I'm sure that most people would assume it about any 24-year-old woman who has spent her entire life single and continues to do so.
I have always known that my perpetual singleness was a blessing, an absolute gift, from God. I knew that if He had allowed the boy(s) I liked to pursue me, I would have regretted it later. I would have regretted the relationships I so desperately coveted at the time. Yes, coveted. Everyone else around me was (and still is, to this day!) in a relationship of sorts, or if they weren't, it didn't matter to them. Not like it did to me. What was wrong with me? Why did none of the guys I knew ever seem to think I was girlfriend material?
I suppose if they had, or if I had had slightly more conservative parents, I might have taken the whole "purity ring" approach to things. I always knew I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night. That was, and has always been, the route I've chosen for myself. No one in my circle of friends has ever thought it was weird. It was the route all my friends chose for themselves too, back in the day. Losing your virginity would have been unthinkable. It was so unthinkable, in fact, that I imagine that's why we never bothered with purity rings. We didn't need them. We knew we would be virgins until marriage. There was never any other way.
And I always wondered when I would meet him. The boy who would actually see me in a way that none of the other boys ever seemed to. The boy who would actually do something about his feelings for me. The boy who had the guts to pursue me. Fellas, I realize it's a terrifying thing, pursuing a girl. If you ask her out, she might say no. OUCH. But the other option is far more terrifying: she might say yes. And then what do you do?? I know it's scary, either way it goes. And I've been waiting nearly 24 years for that guy, whoever he is, to screw up the courage and just freaking ask me out already.
I'm not done waiting for him. And I've realized something else...
I may always be waiting for him.
If I never marry, I will go to my grave waiting for him. My husband. I will spend my entire life waiting for my husband, even if he never comes. That's just the way it's going to be.
But something else I've realized...
I'm not waiting for my life to begin.
I'm not waiting for God to come through for me.
I'm not waiting for God's promise of abundant life.
Because I already have that. I already have my Beloved. I already have the joy of Christ, the salvation of His blood, the forgiveness from my sin, the grace and peace and eternal life He promises. I have His blessing, I am His treasured child, an heir with Christ. I am not waiting for Him to bless me with my idea of abundant life in Him.
I already have it.
Yes, I am waiting for someone, and I am not pleased that I have been told time and time again that I must wait, and keep waiting, and keep waiting, and wait some more. If I had a nickel for every time I've pleaded with God to change that answer, I could probably buy a month's worth of groceries. If I had a dime for every tear I've shed because of how much this endless waiting hurts, I could probably just buy out the grocery store. Just tonight, writing this entry, I have wept. I have wept because I am so tired of waiting, and there is no guarantee I'll ever stop. I have accepted the fact that I may wait for my husband for the rest of my life - and he may never show up.
But I'm determined I'll submit. I have told God, as I grit my teeth to bear the pain, that I would do whatever He asked of me. I believe in His total, utter and complete goodness. I believe in His infinite wisdom, the fact that He knows my heart, which is desperately sick and deceitful, better than I ever will. I believe in His ability to provide, and I also believe that He is all I will ever need. I don't need a husband. I don't need children. I don't need anything, except that which I already have: abundant life in Christ.
This obedience and submission sucks. It really does. (More brutal honesty.) It hurts so much. I would love nothing more than for the waiting to stop, for my idea of abundant life to begin. I almost wish God would apologize to me for putting me through all this pain and making me wait so long and never really rewarding me for my absolutely unending patience. Really, I have been a saint through all this. Isn't it time I got what I want for once??
He isn't a tame Lion.
I am to submit. He knows. He knows our weaknesses and our limitations. He bore those same things Himself when He was human. He knows how much my fragile, desperately wicked heart can handle. He knows how I can best bring glory to Him - as a wife and a mother, or just as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, a teacher, a mentor. He knows. And on top of everything that He knows - He loves! Oh, how He loves us so!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
Oh, the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency!
Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Never know until I see it with my own eyes
Repentance must be real
Sorrow, sorrow must be great
Heartache must be felt
For these worldly chains to break
Thank you once again to Ashley Jones for summing up my exact feelings right now. Oh, the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency! To be real with someone, to say what needs to be said...and the feelings that come when you realize you didn't say everything that needed to be said, you don't understand the answers given, that that transparency is actually translucency, which on second thought will not do.
Is the grass really greener on the other side? I will never know until I see it with my own eyes. And I can't see well enough through the translucency. I can see something, but I can't tell what yet. I need to know, and I need to see it with my own eyes.
Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. Brokenness. Something I know very well, yet when I think of all the ways I could have been broken, I feel like I barely have a scratch on me. Other people experience more heartache in their lives than I could ever stand. Other people could live through multiple experiences, the least of which could absolutely crush my soul, kill my spirit, wound me beyond repair. Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. My heart aches right now. I'm tired, I'm so tired, and not just because it's nearly two in the morning. Not just because I haven't slept well in weeks. My heart is so full. There is too much on my mind. I can't bear it. I can't bear it.
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30, ESV
I know what I've agreed to. I know what I've said, I know what I've promised. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be, accomplishing what I need to accomplish. I know! I'm sure of it!
I just can't help longing for the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency.
I wonder when I will ever see the other side with my own eyes.
I wonder when these worldly chains will break.
Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Never know until I see it with my own eyes
Repentance must be real
Sorrow, sorrow must be great
Heartache must be felt
For these worldly chains to break
Thank you once again to Ashley Jones for summing up my exact feelings right now. Oh, the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency! To be real with someone, to say what needs to be said...and the feelings that come when you realize you didn't say everything that needed to be said, you don't understand the answers given, that that transparency is actually translucency, which on second thought will not do.
Is the grass really greener on the other side? I will never know until I see it with my own eyes. And I can't see well enough through the translucency. I can see something, but I can't tell what yet. I need to know, and I need to see it with my own eyes.
Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. Brokenness. Something I know very well, yet when I think of all the ways I could have been broken, I feel like I barely have a scratch on me. Other people experience more heartache in their lives than I could ever stand. Other people could live through multiple experiences, the least of which could absolutely crush my soul, kill my spirit, wound me beyond repair. Heartache must be felt for these worldly chains to break. My heart aches right now. I'm tired, I'm so tired, and not just because it's nearly two in the morning. Not just because I haven't slept well in weeks. My heart is so full. There is too much on my mind. I can't bear it. I can't bear it.
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30, ESV
I know what I've agreed to. I know what I've said, I know what I've promised. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be, accomplishing what I need to accomplish. I know! I'm sure of it!
I just can't help longing for the sweet simplicity of genuine transparency.
I wonder when I will ever see the other side with my own eyes.
I wonder when these worldly chains will break.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
don't you worry your pretty little mind
Today I saw a friend who I haven't seen in 3 weeks. Knowing today would be the first time I would see him, I woke up this morning thinking of what I would be telling him. Things that have happened in my life, how school and my apartment and everything is all going. And I realized something.
My life is about to be absolutely amazing.
No, seriously.
I'm totally freaking out right now...but there's no reason for me to.
I feel that I ought to be completely and totally frightened.
After all, I am going back to school. The place where my life totally fell apart. The place where I failed more miserably than I've ever failed before. The place that scared me out of my mind. The place that brought on more pain than I've ever experienced. The place that led me into severe depression. The place that broke me.
But this time, it's all different.
I live in an apartment, not the dorms. (Oh, the dorms...) I live with Sam, my cousin and best friend, instead of some random girl I've never met. And our apartment is everything we have been planning it would be, and then some. It's the most perfect place for us. It literally could not be more perfect, unless it was a little bigger, but I am not even complaining, it's still so perfect just the way it is. I have wanted to live in that apartment for the past three years, and I have wanted to live with Sam for the past year, and now we do live there. And it's everything I needed and wanted it to be, and more.
I have the most perfect class schedule ever. EVER. As follows:
Monday: 11-11:50am Voice Class
1-2:20pm Sociology
5:30-8:20pm Reading Education
Tuesday: 2:30-3:50pm Band
7-9pm BSF, Genesis study (not a class, but the most amazing Bible study ever!!!)
Wednesday: see Monday
Thursday: 12-1:20pm Flute Choir
2:30-3:50pm Band
It couldn't be a more perfect schedule. It really, really couldn't.
And the part of me that remembers last time I was at school is trying to freak out...but there isn't anything to freak out about this time.
I have two years of ministry under my belt, and that has taught me more than any class or any experience ever has. Two years of youth ministry and BSF leadership and job struggles and friendship changes and growth. It's been insane, but it's exactly what I needed to prepare me for school again.
This is my anthem and this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long:
God has been faithful and will be again!
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have needed, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me!
Praise God for His faithfulness and provision and mercy and grace and utter, complete goodness. That's all I can do. All I can ever do.
My life is about to be absolutely amazing.
No, seriously.
I'm totally freaking out right now...but there's no reason for me to.
I feel that I ought to be completely and totally frightened.
After all, I am going back to school. The place where my life totally fell apart. The place where I failed more miserably than I've ever failed before. The place that scared me out of my mind. The place that brought on more pain than I've ever experienced. The place that led me into severe depression. The place that broke me.
But this time, it's all different.
I live in an apartment, not the dorms. (Oh, the dorms...) I live with Sam, my cousin and best friend, instead of some random girl I've never met. And our apartment is everything we have been planning it would be, and then some. It's the most perfect place for us. It literally could not be more perfect, unless it was a little bigger, but I am not even complaining, it's still so perfect just the way it is. I have wanted to live in that apartment for the past three years, and I have wanted to live with Sam for the past year, and now we do live there. And it's everything I needed and wanted it to be, and more.
I have the most perfect class schedule ever. EVER. As follows:
Monday: 11-11:50am Voice Class
1-2:20pm Sociology
5:30-8:20pm Reading Education
Tuesday: 2:30-3:50pm Band
7-9pm BSF, Genesis study (not a class, but the most amazing Bible study ever!!!)
Wednesday: see Monday
Thursday: 12-1:20pm Flute Choir
2:30-3:50pm Band
It couldn't be a more perfect schedule. It really, really couldn't.
And the part of me that remembers last time I was at school is trying to freak out...but there isn't anything to freak out about this time.
I have two years of ministry under my belt, and that has taught me more than any class or any experience ever has. Two years of youth ministry and BSF leadership and job struggles and friendship changes and growth. It's been insane, but it's exactly what I needed to prepare me for school again.
This is my anthem and this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long:
God has been faithful and will be again!
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have needed, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me!
Praise God for His faithfulness and provision and mercy and grace and utter, complete goodness. That's all I can do. All I can ever do.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
we neither believe what either can say
I am about to move. I move into my new apartment in SIXTEEN DAYS!!!! Oh my goodness. My first ever time to live away from my parents (except for that one dreadful year in the dorms...but let's not revisit that). My first time ever to live on my own. And I am going to live with my cousin and best friend, Sam!!! Everything we've talked about for the past year is actually about to happen! This time last year we concocted this idea of how neat it would be if I went back to school, Sam moved to Texas and we lived together. I didn't think at the time that it would really, truly happen - well, that's not totally true. I knew it could and it seemed so right and it seemed like such a God thing and it seemed like it would - it just seemed a tiny bit too good to be true.
But it is true! It is happening! Sam and I move into our apartment - the apartment I've wanted to live in for three years - in sixteen days!!!!! Sam lives in Texas now, and I am going back to school! I AM LIVING IN THE AUSTIN STREET APARTMENTS WITH SAM AND I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!! OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!!! I can't believe how faithful God is to have allowed all this to fall into place. This was all the best case scenario. I never believe in best case scenarios. Ever. Oh me of little faith. I live too much in the expectation that God will take blessings away from me, rather than pour them out in more ways than I can count, as He always has and always will. I can do nothing but fall on my knees and praise Him and thank Him over and over again for His grace and blessings, and pray the prayer I've been using too much lately: "I do believe - help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
There is so much to do before the 20th! So much cleaning and sorting and throwing away and organizing and packing and moving furniture. It is a little overwhelming but more exciting than anything - what a great time to throw away a ton of stuff I don't need and organize my things in my own house! The idea of decorating and arranging my own house is just so exciting! Sam and I will have an incredibly impressive bookcase and DVD collection - between us the numbers will be in the hundreds easily. We'll have a little furniture shopping to do too. We need a kitchen table and chairs, plus Sam needs to get a mattress and box springs, and we'll probably need an extra bookcase or two, just for good measure. Ikea, here we come! And we need dishes, and cookware, and some spare linens and towels, and OH MY GOSH we are about to move into our apartment! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! This is so crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I'm desperate to see Brave and The Amazing Spider-Man.
ALSO, I'm BEYOND excited for Friday, which is friend day with Peter and Chandler, and then this weekend, when Sam and I are road tripping to Lubbock to visit Cody and our grandparents! I am desperate for 12 hours of discussion of life with Sam and as much family time with Cody and the Gs as we can manage.
God has blessed me with the best family and the best friends in the world and I am so thankful! All praise and glory to Him for His awesome goodness!
But it is true! It is happening! Sam and I move into our apartment - the apartment I've wanted to live in for three years - in sixteen days!!!!! Sam lives in Texas now, and I am going back to school! I AM LIVING IN THE AUSTIN STREET APARTMENTS WITH SAM AND I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!! OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!!! I can't believe how faithful God is to have allowed all this to fall into place. This was all the best case scenario. I never believe in best case scenarios. Ever. Oh me of little faith. I live too much in the expectation that God will take blessings away from me, rather than pour them out in more ways than I can count, as He always has and always will. I can do nothing but fall on my knees and praise Him and thank Him over and over again for His grace and blessings, and pray the prayer I've been using too much lately: "I do believe - help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
There is so much to do before the 20th! So much cleaning and sorting and throwing away and organizing and packing and moving furniture. It is a little overwhelming but more exciting than anything - what a great time to throw away a ton of stuff I don't need and organize my things in my own house! The idea of decorating and arranging my own house is just so exciting! Sam and I will have an incredibly impressive bookcase and DVD collection - between us the numbers will be in the hundreds easily. We'll have a little furniture shopping to do too. We need a kitchen table and chairs, plus Sam needs to get a mattress and box springs, and we'll probably need an extra bookcase or two, just for good measure. Ikea, here we come! And we need dishes, and cookware, and some spare linens and towels, and OH MY GOSH we are about to move into our apartment! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! This is so crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I'm desperate to see Brave and The Amazing Spider-Man.
ALSO, I'm BEYOND excited for Friday, which is friend day with Peter and Chandler, and then this weekend, when Sam and I are road tripping to Lubbock to visit Cody and our grandparents! I am desperate for 12 hours of discussion of life with Sam and as much family time with Cody and the Gs as we can manage.
God has blessed me with the best family and the best friends in the world and I am so thankful! All praise and glory to Him for His awesome goodness!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
People throw rocks at things that shine
Just some thoughts on my mind, with help from last week's BSF lecture :)
How often do you look in the mirror? What do you see when you do? What things do you try to highlight? What things do you try to hide? What do you hope people see when they look at you? Are you really what you want people to see? Or do you want them to see something completely different? Why do you look in the mirror?
I look in the mirror constantly. When I get up in the morning to go to work, I dress myself and make sure my shirt is tucked in, my pants are zipped up (!), my hair is up nicely and my makeup is done. All of that involves standing in front of the mirror for 5-10 minutes, depending on how long I've overslept. Then, when I'm at work, I constantly check my reflection in windows or any reflective surfaces to make sure my hair still looks nice, I haven't sweated off my makeup, I haven't spilled anything on my shirt. I am always looking in the mirror to make sure I still look like what I want to be - which, if I were to be completely honest, what I want to be is desireable. Desireable as an employee, a server, someone you want to be around. Whatever the context, I usually want to look - and be - desireable.
But when I look into the mirror of God's Word, what do I see? Do I see a mature Christian, complete in Christ, a servant with whom He is well pleased? Do I see someone covered in His righteousness, made right before God, His beloved and treasured daughter? Hopefully I see all of those things - and more. God's Word as a mirror shows us in right standing before God through Christ's blood, but it also shows us the work we have yet to do. What we are rooted in will blossom on our lips - wise speech reveals minds that are fixed on Jesus. James 3 tells us that no man can tame the tongue, but with God's help, we can use it for His glory. Being consumed by God produces peace that comsumes our relationships - do you have any difficult relationships in your life? How will you ask God to produce peace in your relationships? Will you allow yourself to be consumed by God? We all experience God's amazing grace - but are you mistaking His grace for His approval of your actions, when in actuality He is waiting for you to grow up, to mature? I know I do this. How can I change, Lord? How can I continue to grow my faith in You?
Prayer is an excellent way to start. Wise prayer provides protection and removes doubt - what do your prayers look like? Are your prayers merely the words you sandwich between "Dear God" and "amen"? Too many of mine are. Do you praise God for who He is? Do you praise Him for His love, His faithfulness and mercies which are new every morning? His almighty power, His knowledge of everything, His perfect plan, His beautiful creation, His absolute and total goodness? Do you thank Him for the blessings He's given you? His financial and material provisions for you, the roof over your head and the food on your table and the clothes on your back, your job in this wretched economy, the resources for academic and spiritual education that are right under your nose any way you turn, the friends and family He's given you? The work He did on the cross on your behalf, sending His only Son Jesus Christ to die for your sins so that you could spend eternity with Him in heaven? How can you - how can I! - not thank God every day for these blessings? And these blessings are merely a drop in the ocean, the tip of the iceberg, of everything God has done for you and for me. Will you commit to pray and thank God every day? Will you pray for those who are in need, for those who don't know the Lord, those who are broken, abused, rejected, scorned, bullied? Those who need encouragement? Who need financial aid? Medical care? Protection of any kind? Nothing - absolutely nothing is too small to pray about. God cares for the tiniest of details - will you take those to Him too?
Will you look in the mirror and ask God to show you what He wants of you? What will you see the next time you look in the mirror?
How often do you look in the mirror? What do you see when you do? What things do you try to highlight? What things do you try to hide? What do you hope people see when they look at you? Are you really what you want people to see? Or do you want them to see something completely different? Why do you look in the mirror?
I look in the mirror constantly. When I get up in the morning to go to work, I dress myself and make sure my shirt is tucked in, my pants are zipped up (!), my hair is up nicely and my makeup is done. All of that involves standing in front of the mirror for 5-10 minutes, depending on how long I've overslept. Then, when I'm at work, I constantly check my reflection in windows or any reflective surfaces to make sure my hair still looks nice, I haven't sweated off my makeup, I haven't spilled anything on my shirt. I am always looking in the mirror to make sure I still look like what I want to be - which, if I were to be completely honest, what I want to be is desireable. Desireable as an employee, a server, someone you want to be around. Whatever the context, I usually want to look - and be - desireable.
But when I look into the mirror of God's Word, what do I see? Do I see a mature Christian, complete in Christ, a servant with whom He is well pleased? Do I see someone covered in His righteousness, made right before God, His beloved and treasured daughter? Hopefully I see all of those things - and more. God's Word as a mirror shows us in right standing before God through Christ's blood, but it also shows us the work we have yet to do. What we are rooted in will blossom on our lips - wise speech reveals minds that are fixed on Jesus. James 3 tells us that no man can tame the tongue, but with God's help, we can use it for His glory. Being consumed by God produces peace that comsumes our relationships - do you have any difficult relationships in your life? How will you ask God to produce peace in your relationships? Will you allow yourself to be consumed by God? We all experience God's amazing grace - but are you mistaking His grace for His approval of your actions, when in actuality He is waiting for you to grow up, to mature? I know I do this. How can I change, Lord? How can I continue to grow my faith in You?
Prayer is an excellent way to start. Wise prayer provides protection and removes doubt - what do your prayers look like? Are your prayers merely the words you sandwich between "Dear God" and "amen"? Too many of mine are. Do you praise God for who He is? Do you praise Him for His love, His faithfulness and mercies which are new every morning? His almighty power, His knowledge of everything, His perfect plan, His beautiful creation, His absolute and total goodness? Do you thank Him for the blessings He's given you? His financial and material provisions for you, the roof over your head and the food on your table and the clothes on your back, your job in this wretched economy, the resources for academic and spiritual education that are right under your nose any way you turn, the friends and family He's given you? The work He did on the cross on your behalf, sending His only Son Jesus Christ to die for your sins so that you could spend eternity with Him in heaven? How can you - how can I! - not thank God every day for these blessings? And these blessings are merely a drop in the ocean, the tip of the iceberg, of everything God has done for you and for me. Will you commit to pray and thank God every day? Will you pray for those who are in need, for those who don't know the Lord, those who are broken, abused, rejected, scorned, bullied? Those who need encouragement? Who need financial aid? Medical care? Protection of any kind? Nothing - absolutely nothing is too small to pray about. God cares for the tiniest of details - will you take those to Him too?
Will you look in the mirror and ask God to show you what He wants of you? What will you see the next time you look in the mirror?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
take a sad song and make it better
I'm pretty sure I've just accepted a fact I've been trying to deny for a long time. And that fact is: I'm probably not as much of a writer as I'd like to think I am. I've become one of those super annoying writers who whine about the fact that there's a brilliant novel locked in their heads and they just cannot get it out. To be fair, writing is really a full-time job. If I really wanted to write my novel, I would need to devote at least 3-4 hours a day writing it. Not something I am able or willing to do at this point. Most of the time, I just can't be bothered to write, as evidenced by the date of the last entry in this blog. January 16. Almost exactly two months ago. I feel as though I promise myself things and then do not have the self-discipline to see them through. I've promised myself to write my novel - haven't written a sentence in weeks. I've promised myself to read certain books by the end of the month - haven't even bought them. I've promised myself to work on some stuff for the school year - haven't even given it a thought. Sigh. Story of my life.
But I'm really trying a few new things! I really am! I'm re-reading The Great Gatsby and The Great Divorce for the first time since high school, and I'd like to write reviews of them when I'm done. I'm making an audio recording of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and hope to perfect my technique along the way. A rather strange life goal of mine is to record audio books and get paid to do so! I don't see it as a particularly realistic life goal, but a life goal it is nonetheless. And yes - I still want to write my novel. Maybe once the school year ends in May, and I will have more time, I will devote an hour a day or so to writing. In the meantime, I'm going to try to stop sounding like such a whiny little poser and just write what comes. And since I have an hour or so of alone time left, I believe I'll work some more on my audio recordings.
Also, I finally joined GoodReads. Here's hoping I make something of that!
But I'm really trying a few new things! I really am! I'm re-reading The Great Gatsby and The Great Divorce for the first time since high school, and I'd like to write reviews of them when I'm done. I'm making an audio recording of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and hope to perfect my technique along the way. A rather strange life goal of mine is to record audio books and get paid to do so! I don't see it as a particularly realistic life goal, but a life goal it is nonetheless. And yes - I still want to write my novel. Maybe once the school year ends in May, and I will have more time, I will devote an hour a day or so to writing. In the meantime, I'm going to try to stop sounding like such a whiny little poser and just write what comes. And since I have an hour or so of alone time left, I believe I'll work some more on my audio recordings.
Also, I finally joined GoodReads. Here's hoping I make something of that!
Monday, January 16, 2012
we're moving along in a yellow boat
I just bought a new Jodi Picoult book - Change of Heart - and first of all, anytime I read any of her books, it makes me ache inside. The profundity of her statements, however minute or trivial, or devastatingly heartwrenching, is something I can only dream to achieve in my own writing. But her statements about God - and I try to remind myself it’s merely her fictional characters thinking these things - make me writhe inside. Her world is so many thousands of shades of gray, and while she’s often quite possibly correct, her views on religion and God are just twisted enough that I can’t stand it. Her view of religion is restricted to Roman Catholicism, and people who go through the motions but don’t live the life they hear preached to them every Sunday (or holiday they choose to attend) at Mass. Priests who are closeted pedophiles, or murderers, or drunks, or at best pompous windbags who can whip out the names of all the saints in one breath but who don’t even notice the brokenness of the people they meet in confession. These are people who have been wounded, who have given up on the idea of a God because they don’t understand how He could allow the suffering that they have endured and still call Himself a just, loving and merciful God. People who believe that God does not understand what He’s asked them to endure, that God hasn’t had the exact same temptations and limitations, that He hasn’t had to watch His Son die, too. People who take justice and judgment into their own hands because God's version just isn't working for them. I want to write a book that tells of who Christ is, and who we are. I want to do that with the same profundity as Jodi Picoult - and I'm working on it.
I want to write of broken people who in their brokenness reach out to God and find Him.
I want to write of people who find their strength in Him, who soar on eagles' wings and run without growing weary.
I want to write of people who humble themselves and find joy and give thanks in all circumstances.
I want to write of people who forgive others the way Christ forgave them.
And yet I want it to be real.
I want my characters to be flawed. I want them to be broken. I want them to screw up. I want them to be sinners.
It's being written. It is. And soon part of it will be posted....
I want to write of broken people who in their brokenness reach out to God and find Him.
I want to write of people who find their strength in Him, who soar on eagles' wings and run without growing weary.
I want to write of people who humble themselves and find joy and give thanks in all circumstances.
I want to write of people who forgive others the way Christ forgave them.
And yet I want it to be real.
I want my characters to be flawed. I want them to be broken. I want them to screw up. I want them to be sinners.
It's being written. It is. And soon part of it will be posted....
Monday, January 2, 2012
so far we are so close
A passage from my favorite Jodi Picoult book, The Pact.
"What bothers you the most?"
Chris fell silent. It wasn't that he was not being taken at his word; if the situation had been reversed, he too might have his doubts. It wasn't even that everyone in the whole goddamned school was treating him like he'd grown six heads overnight. It was that, having seen him with Emily, they could believe he would ever willingly hurt her.
"I loved her," he said, his voice breaking. "I can't forget that. So I don't see why everyone else can."
Dr. Feinstein motioned again toward the wing chair; Chris sank into it. He watched the tiny cogs inside the tape recorder chug in slow circles. "Would you tell me about Emily?" the psychiatrist asked.
Chris closed his eyes. How could he convey to someone who'd never even met her the way she always smelled like rain, or how his stomach knotted up every time he saw her shake loose her hair from its braid? How could he describe how it felt when she finished his sentences, turned the mug they were sharing so that her mouth landed where his had been? How did he explain the way they could be in a locker room, or underwater, or in the piney woods of Maine, but as long as Em was with him, he was at home?
"She belonged to me," Chris said simply.
Dr. Feinstein's eyebrows lifted. "What do you mean by that?"
"She was, you know, all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't. She could paint circles around anyone; I can't even draw a straight line. She was never into sports; I've always been." Chris lifted his outstretched palm and curled his fingers. "Her hand," he said. "It fit mine."
"Go on," Dr. Feinstein said, encouraging.
"Well, I mean, we weren't always going out. That was pretty recent, a couple of years. But I've known her forever." He laughed suddenly. "She said my name before anything else. She used to call me Kiss. And then when she learned the word kiss for real, she'd get it all confused and look at me and smack her lips." He looked up. "I don't remember that, exactly. My mom told me."
"How old were you when you met Emily?"
"Six months, I guess," Chris said. "The day she was born." He leaned forward, considering. "We used to play together every afternoon. I mean, she lived right next door and our moms would hang all the time, so it was a natural."
"When did you start going out?"
Chris frowned. "I don't know the day, exactly. Em would. It just sort of evolved. Everyone figured it was going to happen, so it wasn't much of a surprise. One day I kind of looked at her and I didn't just see Em, I saw this really beautiful girl. And, well...you know."
"Were you intimate?"
Chris felt heat crawling up from the collar of his shirt. This was an area he did not want to discuss. "Do I have to tell you if I don't want to?"
"You don't have to tell me anything at all," Dr. Feinstein said.
"Well," Chris said. "I don't want to."
"But you loved her."
"Yes," Chris answered.
"And she was your first girlfriend."
"Well, pretty much, yeah."
"So how do you know?" Dr. Feinstein asked. "How do you know that it was love?"
The way he asked was not mean or confrontational. He was just sort of wondering. If Feinstein had been bitter, or direct, like that bitch detective, Chris would have clammed up immediately. But as it stood, it was a good and valid question. "There was an attraction," he said carefully, "but it was more than that." He chewed on his lower lip for a second. "Once, we broke up for a while. I started hanging around with this girl who I'd always thought was really hot, this cheerleader named Donna. I was like, totally infatuated with Donna, maybe even when I was still together with Em. Anyway, we started going out places and fooling around a little and every time I was with Donna I realized I didn't know her too well. I'd hyped her up in my head to be so much more than what she really was." Chris took a deep breath. "When Em and I got back together, I could see that she had never been less than what I'd figured her to be. If anything, she was always better than I remembered. And that's what I think love is," Chris said quietly. "When your hindsight's twenty-twenty, and you still wouldn't change a thing."
I love this book. I desperately want my book to be something close to as good as this. Oh, if only I could write. If only my characters would come alive, if only my story line would form, if only I had time and energy and brain cells to write the novel that is in my head, waiting to be put down on paper. It will happen. It will! It must. Sometime soon I will post an excerpt from my own book.....
"What bothers you the most?"
Chris fell silent. It wasn't that he was not being taken at his word; if the situation had been reversed, he too might have his doubts. It wasn't even that everyone in the whole goddamned school was treating him like he'd grown six heads overnight. It was that, having seen him with Emily, they could believe he would ever willingly hurt her.
"I loved her," he said, his voice breaking. "I can't forget that. So I don't see why everyone else can."
Dr. Feinstein motioned again toward the wing chair; Chris sank into it. He watched the tiny cogs inside the tape recorder chug in slow circles. "Would you tell me about Emily?" the psychiatrist asked.
Chris closed his eyes. How could he convey to someone who'd never even met her the way she always smelled like rain, or how his stomach knotted up every time he saw her shake loose her hair from its braid? How could he describe how it felt when she finished his sentences, turned the mug they were sharing so that her mouth landed where his had been? How did he explain the way they could be in a locker room, or underwater, or in the piney woods of Maine, but as long as Em was with him, he was at home?
"She belonged to me," Chris said simply.
Dr. Feinstein's eyebrows lifted. "What do you mean by that?"
"She was, you know, all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't. She could paint circles around anyone; I can't even draw a straight line. She was never into sports; I've always been." Chris lifted his outstretched palm and curled his fingers. "Her hand," he said. "It fit mine."
"Go on," Dr. Feinstein said, encouraging.
"Well, I mean, we weren't always going out. That was pretty recent, a couple of years. But I've known her forever." He laughed suddenly. "She said my name before anything else. She used to call me Kiss. And then when she learned the word kiss for real, she'd get it all confused and look at me and smack her lips." He looked up. "I don't remember that, exactly. My mom told me."
"How old were you when you met Emily?"
"Six months, I guess," Chris said. "The day she was born." He leaned forward, considering. "We used to play together every afternoon. I mean, she lived right next door and our moms would hang all the time, so it was a natural."
"When did you start going out?"
Chris frowned. "I don't know the day, exactly. Em would. It just sort of evolved. Everyone figured it was going to happen, so it wasn't much of a surprise. One day I kind of looked at her and I didn't just see Em, I saw this really beautiful girl. And, well...you know."
"Were you intimate?"
Chris felt heat crawling up from the collar of his shirt. This was an area he did not want to discuss. "Do I have to tell you if I don't want to?"
"You don't have to tell me anything at all," Dr. Feinstein said.
"Well," Chris said. "I don't want to."
"But you loved her."
"Yes," Chris answered.
"And she was your first girlfriend."
"Well, pretty much, yeah."
"So how do you know?" Dr. Feinstein asked. "How do you know that it was love?"
The way he asked was not mean or confrontational. He was just sort of wondering. If Feinstein had been bitter, or direct, like that bitch detective, Chris would have clammed up immediately. But as it stood, it was a good and valid question. "There was an attraction," he said carefully, "but it was more than that." He chewed on his lower lip for a second. "Once, we broke up for a while. I started hanging around with this girl who I'd always thought was really hot, this cheerleader named Donna. I was like, totally infatuated with Donna, maybe even when I was still together with Em. Anyway, we started going out places and fooling around a little and every time I was with Donna I realized I didn't know her too well. I'd hyped her up in my head to be so much more than what she really was." Chris took a deep breath. "When Em and I got back together, I could see that she had never been less than what I'd figured her to be. If anything, she was always better than I remembered. And that's what I think love is," Chris said quietly. "When your hindsight's twenty-twenty, and you still wouldn't change a thing."
I love this book. I desperately want my book to be something close to as good as this. Oh, if only I could write. If only my characters would come alive, if only my story line would form, if only I had time and energy and brain cells to write the novel that is in my head, waiting to be put down on paper. It will happen. It will! It must. Sometime soon I will post an excerpt from my own book.....
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