24 hours until this terrible, awful, horrible, no-good, very bad semester will be finished. I have one notebook to assemble and one jury to get through (and it will be quite a haul, I'm sure), and then it will be all over. I can't even begin to go into what has happened this semester. Suffice it to say that these 5 weeks off are so very sorely needed.

I haven't even really registered the fact that it's Christmas. I just heard the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year", and it truly is, but I haven't been able to see that at all, with this burden of sin and shame upon my shoulders. I have some wonderfully caring professors for whom I am very thankful and grateful, and in 24 hours, everything will be over. I can begin to truly heal.

I have just been so neglectful this semester of my health. My physical health, emotional health, mental health, and especially my spiritual health. I am very spiritually starved. This makes me extra grateful for BSF and the beautiful Scriptures.

Thank you, Lord, for Your everlasting and healing Word. Let it heal my soul, which is currently so very ill and broken.

JOY TO THE WORLD, THE LORD IS COME!!!!!!!!

healing...?

Well, this has been the worst semester of my whole life. Hands down. I don't want to go into exactly why. Suffice it to say that absolutely EVERYTHING that is wrong with me, my inherent sin nature, the family problems I've inherited from parents and grandparents, the biggest issues that I've always struggled with, combined with certain physical issues that have suddenly sprung up, have left me so very broken.

I've struggled with apathy and depression this semester.

I've struggled with physical pain and nausea.

I've struggled with loneliness. I have never been so alone in my life.

The day I told my parents I needed help was awful. The day after was worse. During that time I must have cried about twelve times in nine days. I've never felt so broken in my life.

But I did tell my parents. I do have their support and love. I have been to the doctor and have begun to experience relief. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and received my Father's love and mercy and forgiveness. It is amazing, how precious His love becomes when you are broken! And it's kind of sad that I had to be broken to experience just how sweet His promises are.

I have to give a little shoutout here to Sharon Tedford, whose amazing worship CD helped me so very much. I have been listening to it over and over again, and her amazing voice and the amazing words she's written and reminded me of have brought me so much comfort. Examples...

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!!! Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!!!

Let God arise with shouts of joy, with songs of praise and trumpets sound, let music play and hearts be free, let God arise!!!

Father, give us courage to open up our hearts and speak of Your freedom from the shame of sin, freedom from the hurt within, captivate us Jesus and bring us freedom! Free to hope and free to love, free to serve a needy world, use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives set free!!!

Thank you, Sharon, for the comfort your wonderful music brought and continues to bring me.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for loving and guiding me through all this ridiculousness that I feel powerless against.

Thank you, Steph, Amy, Briley, Rachel, Grace and Libby for praying for me and being listening ears when I needed you.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the strength to ask for help and for the wisdom of those who are currently helping me. I pray that You will help me to change, to wipe out the folly in my heart, to stop abusing the wonderful gifts that You have so mercifully blessed me with. I pray that I will bring You glory always, and that I will grow ever closer to You. Please help me to find a church where I can flourish and serve You well, and make new friends. Help me to be able to reach beyond myself and my needs. I love You so very, very much. I am nothing without You.

he's got your personality

I just want to weep. I just want to weep my heart out for the selfishness that is within me. I want to weep for the mistakes I've made that can't be set right. For the depravity of my heart. For my lack of wisdom.



Lord Jesus, I confess that I have sinned against You in thought, word and deed,

by what I have done

and by what I have left undone.

I have not loved You with my whole heart,

nor loved my neighbor as myself.

I am truly sorry, and I humbly repent!!!!!!!

For the sake of Your Son, Jesus Christ,

have mercy on me and forgive me,

that I may delight in Your will

and walk in Your ways

to the glory of Your Name.

Amen.


Lord, give me strength to correct my mistakes, to move on in a good direction, give me wisdom to make good choices, and as it would please You, bring me something to do in which I can serve others as Your servant! Lord, bring me joy. I hate the way I am right now. There is almost no joy in my life.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

once again, small words?

Ohhhhhh no. I am not winning this war against apathy. It is taking control of me.

I never want to go to class. I never want to practice. I never want to study or do homework. I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep and laze around and hang out with my friends. What has happened to me????????? I used to be focused and dedicated, and even happy to be at school! I was reading some things I wrote last year, when I first went to TWU, and I said I was really enjoying being there and learning what I was learning. And now, I could care less about TWU.

Every time people try to suggest things that I could do to improve my life, my heart rises up in rebellion against their suggestions. For example: I have no friends at school. So just about everyone has suggested I join a Campus Crusade. And as I smile and nod and shrug in a nonchalant way, I am mentally screaming "NO! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO JOIN A CAMPUS CRUSADE!!!!!" I don't want to pledge a sorority, I don't want to join any student organizations. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And even the Village Church - I just don't know about it. I mean, don't get me wrong - Matt Chandler is amazing, and the way he speaks the truth in love is something I can only dream of accomplishing. But the Village is just so different from the churches I've been part of, and I don't like it. I want to go to Sunday School and church choir! I don't want church to be quite so contemporary!

Oh my gosh. How selfish do I sound? Everything is about me!!! My comforts, my wants, my desires. I can't be bothered to do anything but meet my own needs. God, this is so horrible. I am such a selfish person. How did I let myself get to this point? How did this happen?

I have tried to pray, but my black heart seems to be dead. All I can do is call up the words that have been written, and know in my mind that they are true, even if my heart will not feel it...

"Remember these things, O Jacob. Take it seriously, Israel, that you're my sevant. I made you, shaped you: You're my servant. O Israel, I'll never forget you. I've wiped the slate of all your wrongdoings. There's nothing left of your sins. Come back to me, come back. I've redeemed you.

High heavens, sing! God has done it. Deep earth, shout! And you mountains, sing! A forest choir of oaks and pines and cedars! God has redeemed Jacob. God's glory is on display in Israel." ~Isaiah 44:20-24, from The Message


Somehow there is hope. I know there is. It rests within my reach. I don't always have to be this selfish, this stupid, this apathetic. I can only pray that I will have the strength to change myself. Repent. 180 degree turn, opposite direction, new way of life. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" Technically, I was made new thirteen years ago. One would think I would have grown and matured, but I am still drinking spiritual milk. Oh, my spiritual understanding and thinking is so simple! I hate the way I am right now. I absolutely hate it, but I have not the strength to end it. God does, but I have yet to stretch out my hand and take it from Him.

I hear the Savior say
thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
find in Me thine all in all!

why didn't you tell me, Jenny?

So today is the first Sunday of the new Village Dallas campus!!!! I am going to the five o'clock service tonight...if I am not lazy and apathetic about it, both of which I am feeling right now. Oh great. But there is the fact that I didn't go to TFC this morning to at least guilt me into going, if not motivate me. It is soooooooo sad that I have to be guilted into going to church today. UGH, that is just so not okay on any level!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't I want to go to church?????

Well, because it's not easy. Because I've never been there. Because for once in my life I have to submit and let that church take care of me and teach me before I can help teach others. I don't like to do that much. I don't like to submit. I'm willing enough to be bailed out, but I don't like it and I wish I could just get a grip on myself. I'm so tired of having to be bailed out...

I have so much music to practice, it's not even funny. And I'm not even giving a recital this semester...I'd like to do one next semester though!!!!!

Waking up with a headache is a horrible thing, and doesn't bode well for the rest of the day.

here, have some pie

School ought to be good this semester. I say ought to...the only thing that will be a huge annoyance (so far!) is that because I'm a music education major, I have to help out with all kinds of middle school and high school choir and band contests and events. Which means driving to Denton even MORE often, which is upsetting. I have already used SO much gas this week, it's insane.

New goal: memorize one verse of Scripture every week. I haven't actively memorized Scripture since about ninth grade. Sad day. And I have a feeling that there will come a time in my life where all I will have is the Scripture that is stored in my heart...so I want to be ready for that time, whenever it comes and however long it lasts, a day, a week, a year...

Two missions for the month of September: send my friends at school care packages (with homemade goodies and HANDWRITTEN letters!!!), and make a Taylor Swift cake. That's right, a Taylor Swift cake. You'll see what I mean.

Something I've noticed...I was in a great mood when I got to school these past few days because on the way there, I sang along with my old choir CDs, most of which are sacred songs. And an hour of singing my heart out, praising God through music, is an INCREDIBLE start to any day!!! That is what God always meant for me to do: praise Him through music. And when you do what He meant you to do...life makes sense.

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing
Sent Him to die - I scarce can take it in!
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin!!!

Then sings my soul! My Savior God to Thee!
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art
HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!

I really, really like to play with trees

I've been reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. It tells her story as she grew up in Holland with her deeply Christian family, then chronicles her activities in hiding Jews during the German occupation of Holland during WWII. And it tells of her arrest and subsequent time in prison and concentration camps.

Now I've read this book before, but somehow whenever I would read it, I never really pictured it. I sort of conjured up Holocaust pictures I've seen, but it was never really real. This time as I read, I put myself in Corrie's place. When she tells of her arrest, I pictured soldiers coming into MY house and forcing me and my parents to leave it. What would it be like, to be in your house, where you normally feel safe and secure, and how surreal would it be to just leave it? It would still look normal, but you would be leaving, perhaps forever. When Corrie and her sister Betsie were separated from their father and brothers, I pictured leaving my dad behind, never knowing if I would see him again. And when Corrie and Betsie arrived at the concentration camp, I went into the barracks with them, squeezed into claustrophobic bunks where there wasn't enough room to sit up or roll over, and the place was crawling with fleas. All the while sustaining myself from the Scripture that they always had with them.

Reading that book has now given me a thirst for more Scripture! As it says in Psalm 19:9-11: "The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward."

The Scriptures are worth more than MUCH pure gold. They were worth more than food and rest to Corrie and Betsie ten Boom while they were in a concentration camp. And I want them to be worth more to me than anything else I do. I want my music to be more important to me this semester. I want to work as unto the LORD, not for men, since I know that I will receive an inheritance from the LORD as my reward! I want to do everything, whether I eat or drink or whatever I do, unto the glory of God. Soli deo Gloria.

School starts tomorrow. I only pray that this semester will be for Him. Because if it is for Him, it will be good. It will be amazing.

Can you deal with this....

Just so you are aware, my subject lines will basically NEVER have anything to do with the contents of my posts.

For example, tonight I am going to write a few thoughts about marriage. I just took a facebook quiz, "When will you get married?" and my result was that I will not get married until I am FIFTY YEARS OLD!!!

That's one fear of mine, actually - that I will never get married and have children. I want to do both of those things SO BADLY...I think. Never having been in a relationship, I suppose it could be argued that I have no idea if I really do want to get married, because I have absolutely no idea what it would really be like. I can observe my parents and other married couples and how they interact, but I don't know what it's like to share a room and a bed with your spouse, to have to sacrifice time and decisions and things for your spouse, to resolve fights and celebrate anniversaries, to have that kind of emotional and physical intimacy with someone. I don't know what it's like to have a child, to worry about your child and love it and protect it and be responsible for teaching it and feeding it and sheltering it and loving it, all wondering if you're doing it the right way and the best way.

And I know I'm not ready for either marriage or children, but the thought that I might never have either one is too much. And since I'm nearly 21 and have yet to go on my first date, it just sort of sits at the back of my brain, not a big deal, but I still know it's there. Sort of a very quiet nag. You're nearly 21...and NOTHING.

Fortunately, I am usually able to drown out said nag with the awesome verse that is Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows the desires of my heart better than I do, and He will give them to me if I put Him first. The question is.......DO I PUT HIM FIRST?

Not often enough. That is where this blog comes in handy. This blog is my chronicle of my delight in the Lord. The other day, my mom said something that really struck me: she said that if she had all the time in the world to do whatever she wanted, all she would want to do would be cook and study the Bible. I couldn't say the same. I don't have a burning desire to study the Bible right now. But I want to have that desire. I want to be overwhelmed by God. I want Him to stir in me a passion that my heart cannot contain!!!!!

It's an odd thing, to desire a desire. I wonder how that will work out...

boring!

Today was a boring day. I only worked 11-4, then I went to part of a skate party (which was really fun!!!), and then I discovered I had a lot of laundry to do. In fact, I'm still doing it. I need it all to be washed for next week when school starts. Before then, it doesn't really matter, since I'm pretty much only going to be wearing my work clothes and pajamas before then. I still have 33 hours to work this week.

I have also re-discovered the fact that I hate saying goodbye. Tooooooo many of my friends are not in Dallas. I hated to say goodbye to my England friends in June, and I hated saying goodbye to my friends who have left for school. Now my youth leader is moving to Washington, and SIX of my work friends have left Chick-fil-A, all but one permanently. It really, really sucks to say goodbye.

More to come later...as I said, it was a pretty boring day today.

look at all you'll derive out of being alive!!!

If I had three wishes, I know exactly what I would wish for. Provided of course that I cannot wish for:

1. More wishes
2. Anything to do with other people, i.e. wishing that everyone in the world would come to know Christ, or that my children will never rebel, or that the marriages of my parents, friends and family members would only end by death...all of which I do pray for, at least!!!


My wishes would be as follows:

1. As much money as possible to do good deeds with. I would love to win the lottery and give most of it away to charity. Ever seen the movie It Can Happen To You, with Nicolas Cage and Bridget Fonda? Case in point, right there. Barring of course the extra-marital affair that goes on in that movie, I wish that WOULD happen to me. I would love to walk into a restaurant and buy everyone's dinner, or sponsor special events for schools and bands and sports teams. And of course I would give lots of money to charities, such as Making a Difference.

2. I would wish to be able to speak any language fluently. How handy would that be?? I would be able to travel anywhere in the world (using some of my lottery winnings of course) and be able to speak the language. Man...that'd be so sweet. I could be an awesome missionary...

3. To be able to eat anything I want and not gain any weight unless it was necessary. Or, I guess, to be able to maintain a good weight. That would be freaking awesome.

So there you have it. My three wishes.

It was something like but not necessarily Schindler's List

When I was about fourteen, I started collecting...quotes!!! Yes, quotes. Funny quotes, inspiring quotes, Bible verses, anything that struck me as worthy of remembrance. I still have said journal, and I would like to share with you some of my favorite quotes from it.

"I am sorry for the men who do not read their Bible every day. I wonder why they deprive themselves of the strength and pleasure." ~Woodrow Wilson
^it makes me really happy to think that we have had such men as leaders of our country!

"If the Lord comes back at 4:30 in the morning, I'm going. I may be there two hours before I realize what's happening...but I'm going!" ~Mark Lowry

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." ~Dan Quayle

"Last week I ate a 5th Avenue bar on 5th Avenue while little kids eating Snickers bars snickered at me. It was probably that whole 'irony' thing." ~John Gephart

"I always wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific." ~Lily Tomlin

"I love mankind - it's PEOPLE I can't stand." ~Charles Schulz

"Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend." ~Jack Handey

"If I die before my cat, I want to be cremated and then have some of the ashes sprinkled in his cat food, so that I can live inside him." ~Drew Barrymore
^?????

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Don't worry that the world will end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." ~Charles Schulz

"Every guy would love to settle down with the bootylicious Beyonce. Not only because she's hot, but who wouldn't want to say, 'And this is my fiancee, Beyonce.'" ~Michael Finley

"Preach the gospel at all times, and, when necessary, use words." ~St. Francis of Assisi

"You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me." ~C.S. Lewis

"What's a brothel? Is that a soup place? You know, like a chicken brothel?" ~Noveen Fatima


Well, I hope you laughed. I hope maybe your thoughts were slightly provoked. I really haven't got much else to say today, other than that GOD IS SUCH A WONDERFUL PROVIDER!!! I've been looking everywhere for red shoes and a white cardigan, and I finally found them thanks to my mom, who wasn't even looking for them.

Perfect way, perfect timing. What more can I say?

Don't forget to pray for Brad Pitt!!!

sick sick sick

Today, for some reason, I woke up with a headache. This in itself isn't so odd - it's happened to me before. I generally just take some ibuprofen and a big glass of water, and an hour later I'll be fine. NOT TODAY!!!! I went from a dull headache to a very sharp headache to nauseous and dizzy, and it culminated with me slumping over the toilet praying that I would vomit, just so I could feel better!!! I've never been so sick for no apparent reason before.

So I very seriously considered calling in sick to work, but my mom suggested I walk around the block to see if I could walk off the nausea. Then my friend suggested I take a shower (to wash it off...?), so I did both. And I managed to make it through my entire shift with no dizziness, very little nausea, and only the dullest of headaches.

At work, I was standing there wiping trays (seriously, we have at least a hundred trays, and about seventy of them were stacked and needed to be cleaned), and one of my friends had left his Bible sitting on the counter. So I opened it and read Psalm 25. The verse that most stuck out to me was verse 6: "Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to Your love remember me, for You are good, O Lord."

Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways. Or perhaps, my apathetic ways. God, remember not the times when my heart did not long for You and did not desire Your glory. The times when I acted for my own comfort and not Your Name. The times when I couldn't be bothered to sacrifice for You, who sacrificed EVERYTHING for me. Isn't it supposed to be a privilege to suffer for Christ, just as He suffered? And when we do suffer for His sake, will we not reign with Him in glory?

I have also started something new: I am going to pray every week for a different celebrity. This week will be Brad Pitt. I think before I pray for him, I will have to pray for myself, that I can actually pray for him and not just call down fire and brimstone on him!!! I am less and less impressed with him the more I read about him. He used to be a Christian, but he has completely turned his back on it and while he doesn't bash it outright, I feel he thinks it's pretty useless. Brad Pitt has given huge sums of money to help rebuild New Orleans from all the Katrina damage, and now they want him to run for mayor! He's laughed it off, saying that he would never get elected because he's running on the "gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform"...and the troubling thing is, more people would vote for him than one would think. He also has no idea what it is to truly live and to truly love someone. Quote:

"I resent people telling others how to live! It drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend say that Angie and I were setting a bad example because we were living out of wedlock, and people should not be duped by us," Brad recounted. "It made me laugh. What damn right does anyone have to tell someone else how to live if they're not hurting anyone? How many times do you think real love comes to someone in a lifetime? If you're lucky, maybe two or three."

Sorry, Mr. Pitt, you have no idea what "real love" is. Real love is not a five-year marriage that ends when you meet someone else. Real love is NOT waiting to marry the mother of your children until everyone who wants to get married can. Real love isn't even doing good deeds like helping rebuild a city. Real love is a cross on which a naked and bloodied man hangs, covered in the stain of the sins of humanity. It's like it says in ICor 13: "If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrendur my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." All of Brad and Angelina's time and money and all the good things they do for others - because they do a LOT of great things for other people! - mean so little. I wouldn't say it all means nothing, because there is still the image of God in them (that they were created within!), and that is what inspires them to do their good deeds.

Sorry, I just get so frustrated by celebrities who have everything and give so much of what they have...and yet because they do not have the love of Christ, they have nothing, so they can give nothing. So this week's prayer celebrity: Brad Pitt. Join me? Seriously, he needs it. As do we all.

A new beginning

So I've been inspired to start a blog about myself and my life, because apparently that's a cool thing to do. Technically I've been blogging since I was fifteen, but those blogs were more like Twitters - all I basically said was A) what I'd done that day, B) who I happened to love that day (and I listed lots of names!), and C) things I enjoyed, like books or pictures or flowers or chocolate.

This blog actually has a purpose, because I am starting a new project. This project was inspired by the song "Stir In Me" by Todd Procter. The lyrics are as follows:

Stir in me
A fire that the world cannot explain
I long to worship You

Stir in me
A passion that my heart cannot contain
I long to worship You

Hold me, break me, mold me and make me more like You
I long to worship You
Love You, fear You, draw ever near You as I worship You
Oh Lord


I suppose one title for this project could be: Project Kick Apathy in the Pants. I've been very apathetic about lots of things this summer: school, work, cleaning my room, doing laundry, going to the gym, eating, even hanging out with my friends! I just can't be bothered to do anything. And that is just not okay at all. God did not make me to just sit around reading and watching movies all day. He didn't put me here so that I could just not care about anything.

I've even been questioning school - is music education even what I want to do?

YES!!!!!! OF COURSE IT IS!!!!!!!! I just had such a horrible year last year because I was so darn apathetic, didn't practice enough, didn't look for a new church (which therefore meant no new friends), didn't look for a new job...all of which added up to a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. So I have some new things in mind for this year.

1. Find a new church. This is the biggest priority I have right now. I need a church that has a singles ministry and a music team that I can join, preferably on guitar and vocals. I can't be a member of a church and not serve on the music team - my desire to praise God through music is too strong for that! Churches that I have in mind: The Village, Dallas campus; Denton Bible Church; The Village, Denton Campus; and that's really about it.

2. Move out of my parents' house. Not at all because I don't like living there - au contraire, I LOVE living with my parents!!! But I need to learn responsibility, budgeting, cleaning, and how to live on my own. So I need to show all of those things while I still live with my parents, and then hopefully I can move out.

3. Practice, practice, practice - I am the worst music major ever. Last year I practiced less than half of what I really should. This year I am going to practice as much as I can. I will have lots of flute music to learn, plus conducting, vocal pedagogy, and percussion techniques. And I need to practice them all A LOT!!!!

4. Find some new friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Most of mine no longer live in the Dallas area. So I need to find some friends who do!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is where the whole NEW CHURCH thing comes in handy.

I need God to stir in me a new fire, a new passion, to serve Him wholeheartedly, without any trace of apathy. That is my prayer for this year: STIR IN ME A PASSION THAT MY HEART CANNOT CONTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

My blogs will contain my thoughts on these goals of mine, my classes, my work, and other various things. Just the thoughts, opinions and everyday occurances in the life of a twenty-year-old college student with a love for Christ and the desire for His kingdom.