what could stand against?

I really, really, really wish I would update this thing more often. I do so have things to say, I just never seem to find the time and the energy to really say them. But I'm going to say something now...I'm just not quite sure what.

Let me start off by saying that I am more convinced than ever of the power of Scripture and the importance of knowing it by heart. "For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." ~Hebrews 4:12, NIV. I have worried that when I tell people to read Scriptures, that they will skim it and not understand it, pretty much unless I am there to help them. But that's just mere pride on my part, and doubt in the power of God's Word. Good heavens, He doesn't need ME to explain His Word!!! Like as not I'd probably just bungle it up and rob it of its power! And it is so important to have His Word in our hearts. "I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against You." ~Psalm 119:11, NIV.

I've been struggling recently with certain amounts of pride. This is MY area of ministry now - thank you, God, SO MUCH for putting me here, but now that I'm here, I've got this, and I'll take it from here! You can go back to fixing someone else's life now! But that is the WRONG attitude to have. I have no doubt that my ministries will cause me to struggle and suffer as much as they will bring me great joy and honor God. And what about my career? I was always going to have some kind of career, and right now I have NOTHING resembling a career at all. And I'm so afraid that any kind of career I can have without a degree will take me away from church. Essentially, I'm pretty sure that even God can't give me both. Even God doesn't have quite enough power or enough knowledge or enough sovereignty to find some kind of career AND allow me to be a youth leader.

WHAT? How can I possibly doubt Him? How can I, when He has given me so much and provided my every need and given me above and beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of? "If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also, along with this, graciously give us all things?" ~Romans 8:32, NIV.

I would just like to give praise and glory to God right now for the relationship I have with my parents. I love my parents more than anything, and I know that I can go to them with anything and they will love me no matter what, and they have supported me through things I did not expect them to, and they make me laugh like none other. I am so grateful for the man that my dad is, and I hope the man I marry will be a lot like him. And I am so grateful for my mom, who is a gentle and loving woman of God, and who does what He asks of her even when she feels what He's asking is too much. And I can't express how grateful I am for the gifts He's allowed my mom and I to share, the gift of music being the best one of all. Making music with my mom is one of the best things I do. I literally hope I never have to move far away from my parents, because I'm not sure I could do it for very long. Only once in my 22 years have I ever gone more than about ten days without seeing them...and I did not care for that. My parents are the best, and I love them so very dearly.

Haha, now that I'm writing I don't want to stop, but it's nearly midnight and I'm pretty tired. Hopefully I can get the creative juices flowing again soon - I'd really, really love to update this blog more often. I also have a new blog, over at my dear old site livejournal.com, and my username is whatrighthavei. Check out that blog sometime too.

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God, You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer
Awesome in power
Our God
Our God

created for a relationship

So yesterday I taught Sunday school for the very first time. Ever. Like...ever in my life. For anyone. (Ever.) I taught it for the high school students in youth group. And let me tell you, I have never been more scared of public speaking than I was then. I literally broke into a cold sweat, barely kept myself from hyperventilating, and at one point seriously considered running outside to vomit. (This was all before I actually got up onto the stage...and yes I did teach from on a stage. That didn't help with the nerves much...)

BUT somehow I held it together, and of course the moment I got onstage the nerves all fled and I was totally fine, relaxed and comfortable. Well, as relaxed and comfortable as I could be with a bunch of high schoolers, my youth pastor, and 3 parents in there listening to me.

And I proceeded to talk about the fact that God created us to be in a relationshp with Him. He created us in His image and in His likeness, and this gives us intrinsic worth and a unique position and purpose among creation. God values us and loves us because of His image within us. Our purpose in life is to glorify Him and spread His glory among others through the way we live our lives. So if you've ever reached a point in your life where you have no idea what your purpose is and what you're supposed to do with your life, do NOT despair!!! God created you with a purpose and while you may not know your specific purpose for the specific period of time, your overall purpose is always solidly in place - glorify God and spread His glory to others!

All in all - I loved teaching. And I can't wait to do it again. Teaching is definitely a purpose of mine.

is the grass really greener on the other side?

Storm

When the darkness closes in
You are the Light to guide me
When the cold pierces my skin
You are the Fire to warm me

Whenever a storm surrounds me
I find You there

I hear You in the thunder
I taste You in the rain
I see You in the lightning
I feel You in the wind
I feel You in the wind

When the rain is crashing down
You are the Shelter over me
When there's no one else around
You are the Friend to comfort me

Whenever a storm surrounds me
I find You there

I hear You in the thunder
I taste You in the rain
I see You in the lightning
I feel You in the wind
I feel You in the wind


Broken

Repentance must be real
Sorrow, sorrow must be great
Heartache must be felt
For these worldly chains to break
Oh

When were you ever worthy?
When are we ever worthy?
When were you ever worthy?
Oh, precious child of Mine!

Forgiveness is not far away
My hand is upon you
Darkness cannot sustain
Healing in My shadow
Oh

When were you ever worthy?
When are we ever worthy?
When were you ever worthy?
Oh, precious child of Mine!
Don't you know
I've kept you close
All along
All along

Oh, precious child of Mine!
Don't you know
I've kept you close
All along
All along
Pick up your cross and follow Me

Thank you, Ashley Jones, for awesome music and awesome lyrics. I needed to hear both of these songs tonight.

It's one of those periods in life where I feel trapped in limbo again. I feel like I'm freefalling, where I can do things but really, they don't matter and they don't make much of a difference. I feel somewhat judged. I feel extremely undervalued. I feel weird. Sometimes I even feel like a phony. But I'm not. I'm real. Christ is real. His love and His truth are real. And His joy is real too. And I praise God for that.

Little shoutout to a friend...thanks for your encouragement, and I hope that somehow you can be aware of how much I care for you.

the points don't matter

Something I've noticed.........if you ever want to know how I'm doing, just check out the little box just below my facebook profile picture. It will tell you everything you need to know.

The text in March 2010:
Where are You, God of the heavens above?
Why do You hide from our pain?
With questions and weeping I call on You now
In anguish I beg to be heard
Your presence is all that I need

In May 2010:
I will trust in the One who's established His might
The Servant who's reigning on high
Whose unfailing mercy is solid and clear
I patiently wait here in peace
His presence is all that I need

In June and July 2010:
Christ's is the world in which we move
Christ's are the folk we're summoned to love
Christ's is the voice which calls us to care
and Christ is the One who meets us here

In August 2010:
Your truth brings freedom from the shame of sin
Freedom from the hurt within
Captivate us, Jesus, and bring us freedom!
Free to hope and free to love
Free to serve a needy world
Use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives
Set free!

In September 2010:
Whenever a storm surrounds me
I find You there


If you know anything about what my life has been this past year, you can see a definite trend and you know exactly what I'm talking about......I just thought that was interesting!

I REALLY want to see Easy A, The Tourist, The Social Network, Due Date, and the new Harry Potter movie. Can't even wait.

I also just bought my tickets to Detroit and Chicago!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooo freakin excited, I've never been to either place!!!!!!!!! And I get to see Grace and Rachel and hopefully Jenny, and meet all their cool friends and see lots of awesome places. I'm so. freakin. excited.

well at least I'm gonna say that I tried

I'm just as bad as what I'm trying not to be like.

I'm thinking only of me.

I'm seriously thinking only of me.

I don't want to. I want to think of others. I want to think of the Lord. I want to think not of myself.

And yet I can't seem to stop. Because obviously, I enjoy the attention focused on me. I enjoy being the cool one, the one who knows everything, the one who is cool no matter what. Nobody can inflict a social status on me. I am always above it.

Yet I still make mistakes. I still do things I know I shouldn't. I still feel sick sometimes thinking about what I ought to be doing. I ought to be pointing attention away from me and onto Christ. I ought to risk relationships for Him. I ought to risk my newfound automatic popularity for Him. I ought to be willing to be thought uncool for Him. And I'm so not. I'm just so not.

It's the dumbest thing, really. I'm just so self-focused right now. And when I think about the pain that I was in this past year, from February to May, and what my life is like now, it's two different people. I remember going to bed thinking, "Okay, I have eight whole hours in which I cannot be hurt." I would count each minute precious if I did not have to feel the pain. And I have not felt that pain since May. The summer was wonderful. I was refreshed, relaxed, happy, and pain-free. And I'm about to start feeling pain again, if I stay self-focused much longer.

I need BSF!!!!!! Stupid work getting in the way of it!!!!!!!!!! I also need friends who are my age and who live roughly in the same city as me...

I need Scripture. I need Christ to fill me. To saturate me. To fill me with a desire for Him. To fill me with His love, His light, His work for me.

There's a broken world
Burdened by the weight of wrong
Living in the dark
Fear has ruled their lives for so long
Unaware of liberty
Souls continue aimlessly
Poisoned by the lies
"The truth is what you want it to be
You can choose your God
The center of this life is me"
Father, give us courage
To open up our hearts and speak of

Your freedom from the shame of sin
Freedom from the hurt within
Captivate us, Jesus, and bring us freedom!
Free to hope and free to love
Free to serve a needy world
Use us now, Lord Jesus, to see the captives
Set free!

if the points were cheerleaders, they'd be guy cheerleaders

I seriously wish I would update this thing more often. I really do have so much I'd like to write about. But I find myself worrying more and more that people will see this and make assumptions about me that are wrong, or read things that I've written and be offended or misinterpret what I'm saying. I'm not sure why I worry about that...I highly doubt anyone reads this. But still...

So I'm just gonna say this...I'm looking for a new job. I am so sick of working at Chick-fil-A. I've worked there for five years, and I am DONE. Last Saturday was one of the worst days EVER, and exemplified almost every reason I hate working there. Today, though, I enjoyed myself and had a good time with all my work peeps. Still...I'm done. I'm just done there. So I am, I am, I AM going to apply at other places THIS WEEK!!!!!!!! I'm starting with Barnes and Noble, and there's a little cafe near my house that I'm also applying at. We'll see what happens with those places...although of course as soon as I quit at CFA, Sal and Connor will both start working there. Figures.

It's time for me to start working out again. I'm noticing a strange trend between my workouts and my relationship with God. It was stronger when I was working out, and now that I've stopped, it's more distant than it was. That isn't okay. I want to be in constant fellowship with Christ, I want to know Him more and more and in a really REAL way. I want to have the relationship with Him that I want my youth group kids to have with Him. I want to be an example for them.

And may I just take this opportunity to say that I LOVE my youth group kids. Despite all their drama, I love them to bits already. I'm SO excited about this fall with them! It's going to be great!!!!!

BSF starts in two weeks, and the study is the new Isaiah one. I need BSF desperately, both for the way it brings Scripture to life and allows me to apply it to my everyday life, and for the chance to be with people my own age!!! Now that all my friends are gone to school....seriously, I have nobody except Briley left in Dallas!!!!! It's totally ridiculous.

Okay, I have to go to bed. I'm yawning my head off, and it's almost one am. I have to get up early and get my car inspected anyway.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:2

the ballad of Sweeney Todd

There was a barber and his wife
And she was beautiful
A foolish barber and his wife
She was his reason and his life
And she was beautiful
And she was virtuous
And he was...naive





Wait! What's your rush, what's your hurry?
You gave me such a
Fright, I thought you was a ghost
Half a minute, can't you
Sit, sit you down. Sit!
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks.
Did you come in for a pie, sir?
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague
What was that?
But you'd think we had the plague
From the way that people
Keep avoiding (no you don't!)
Heaven knows I try, sir
but there's no one comes in even to inhale.
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?

Mind you, I can hardly blame them
These are probably the worst pies in London
I know why nobody cares to take them
I should know
I make 'em
But good? No.
The worst pies in London.

And no wonder, with the price of meat what it is
When you get it.
Never
Thought I'd live to see the day
Men'd think was a treat finding poor
Animals
What are dyin' in the street
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop
Does a business, but I notice somethin' weird
Lately all her neighbor's cats have disappeared.
Have to hand it to her
What I calls
Enterprise
Poppin' pussies into pies
Wouldn't do in my shop
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick
And I'm telling you, them pussycats is quick.

No denyin' times is hard, sir
Even harder than the worst pies in London
Only lard and nothin' more.
Is that just
Revoltin'
All greasy and gritty
It looks like it's moltin'
And tastes like--
Well, pity
A woman alone
With limited wind
And the worst pies in London!
Ah, sir
Times is hard
Times is hard

that's no reason why they can't be friends

So here it is. Here are the facts about my love life thus far, and some of my opinions on subjects of that nature.

- In my mind, if I have "liked" someone, I have had feelings for them for the duration of at least one year. Otherwise, it's just a crush.

- I have had crushes on many, many boys.

- According to my definition, I have "liked" a total of 3 guys.

- I have never held hands with a guy for a reason of any kind of romantic nature. (I've held hands with guys during games and whatnot, but not otherwise.)

- I have never kissed a guy. (or a girl, for that matter...)

- I have been asked out once. We never actually went on a date. And this was 4 months ago. It's not like it happened in high school...

- It goes without saying, therefore, that I have never had a boyfriend.

- I have never even had any boy "like" me. At least not that I've been informed of.

- I am generally of the opinion that guys and girls cannot be really good friends without it becoming of a romantic nature for at least one of them. Of course, the definition of "really good friends" can be tricky, so this rule is very subjective.

- I am not at all a fan of high school relationships, mostly because they almost never last past high school. Plus, I am also of the opinion that if you date someone, that should mean that you have in mind that you might marry them. And I feel like you shouldn't be worrying about that in high school!!! And in high school, you're too young to know if you're in love. I sure thought I was in love in high school...and I was oh so wrong.

- I think, as a girl, that one of the WORST possible things to say to a girl is, "I like you, but I don't want to actually DO anything about it." Guys, in general it is NOT a good idea to say this to a girl. Yes, it is good to have that confirmation of your feelings, but if you don't intend to do anything about it, it's not worth it. Why don't you want to do anything about your feelings? Are we not good enough? Are we not worth the trouble of a relationship? So...don't do it. Don't tell us you like us unless you are willing to pursue that relationship!

- Ladies. PLEASE ATTEMPT to dress modestly! Guys are always aware of your body, much more so than you think. I am SO not a fan of bikinis, Sophie shorts, short shorts in general, and much more. Ladies, this isn't about dressing the way you want, it's about protecting your guy friends and dressing in ways that make you look beautiful and yet doesn't draw attention to your body. Guys will notice you enough without that kind of help...

Okay, that's enough of that. Oh, by the way, I happen to think it would be freakin SWEET if this is how life could really be....


JUNO
You know, I’ve been thinking. I’m
really sorry I was such a huge
bitch to you. You didn’t deserve
that. You never deserve any of the
poo I unload on you.

BLEEKER
You know it’s okay.

JUNO
Also, I think I’m in love with you.

BLEEKER
What, you mean as friends?

JUNO
No, for real. I think you are the
coolest person I’ve ever met. And
you don’t even have to try.

BLEEKER
I try really hard, actually...

JUNO
No, you’re naturally smart. You
always think of the funniest things
to do. Remember when you passed me
that postcard during Spanish class,
and it was addressed like, “Junebug
MacGuff, Row 4, Third Seat From the
Blackboard”? And it said, “I’m having fun in
Barcelona- wish you were here”?
That was hilarious.

BLEEKER
I was just bored. I only think school
is awesome like, 80% of the time.

JUNO
Plus, you’re the only person who
doesn’t stare at my stomach all the
effing time. You actually look at my
face. And every time I look at you, my heart
starts pounding.

BLEEKER
Mine too.

JUNO
Basically, I’m completely smitten
with you, and I don’t care if I’m
making an ass out of myself right
now, because you’ve seen me make an
ass out of myself a million times,
and you still want to be my friend.

BLEEKER
Well, yeah. You’re the best friend
I’ve ever had, even when you’re
being kind of evil.

JUNO
That’s all I need from you. That’s
more than I could ever ask for.
You’re just golden, dude.

BLEEKER
Can we make out now?

JUNO
Okay.

survey time

It's been a long time since I've done one of these......

All you

Full Name: Katherine Lynn

Nicknames: Kat, K-Mo, Kate, Catch-22

Hospital where you were born: St. Mary's in Long Beach, California

Where are you now: at home in Dallas!

Birthstone: topaz

Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: naturally medium/dark brown, currently dyed light brown with blonde highlights

Piercings: just my ears once

Tattoos: yeah right

Your Best Physical Feature: my eyes


Favorites


Type of Pizza: hamburger

Color: green, yellow, white

Day of the year: payday haha

Food: BA salads

Sport: to play...ultimate. to watch...baseball

Vacation Spot: England

Season: fall

Restaurant: WHOLE FOODS

Candy: Twix, KitKats

Letter: dunno...I like L and K and J a lot


This or That


Coke or Pepsi: NEITHER...Dr. Pepper!

Sprite or 7-up: Sprite

Boxers or Briefs: boxers

Gold or Silver: silver

Flowers or Candy: flowers!!!

Book or Magazine: BOOK please!

Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate

Dogs or Cats: dogs

Skim or 2 percent milk: neither, I hate milk

Black or White: white

Rock or Rap: rock fo sho

Hot tea or Iced tea: depends on the weather

Sing or Dance: sing

Glass half empty or half full: half full

Colored pencils or Markers: colored pencils!

Coffee or Tea: tea

Sun or Moon: moon

Day or Night: night

Hot or Cold: cold

Jeans or Shorts: jeans

McDonalds or Burger King: neither, but if I HAD to pick...BK

Romantic comedy or Thriller: both

Peanut butter or Jelly: peanut butter please

Waffles or Pancakes: pancakes

Letter or Email: LETTER!!!!!

Pizza or Burgers: pizza

Soccer or Football: to play...football. to watch...soccer.

Iceskating or Rollerblading: rollerblading

Movie at home or In theater: theater

Boys or Toys: ?

Great family or great career: family please!

Music or TV: music?

Smart guy or Romantic guy: the best of both


First thing that comes to mind


Clowns: freaky

Yellow: daffodils

Red lipstick: Marilyn Monroe

Socks: rainbow toe socks!

Cow tipping: weird

Greenland: plane

Iceland: volcano

Harry potter: love

Red: chair

Strawberry: cheesecake

Rose: mmm

Rooster: dawn

Taxes: ugh

Memory: photographic

Whipped cream: shake

Beer: grosssssssss

Lollipops: swirl

Dreams: bubbles

Love: heart

Guys: uh?

South park: no thanks

Boy bands: NSYNC!!!

Penguins: Batman

Girls: pink

Death: coming

Spoons: hahahahahahahahha cards

Responsibility: want


Other Stuff


Ever gone skinny-dipping: never

Ever been out of the country: England 3 times, Dominican Republic, Holland

Do you believe in God: very much so

Do you believe in yourself: only who I am in Christ

Do you want to get married: yes I do

Have you ever wanted to die: yes I have

Have you gone swimming in an ocean: many times

Do you like Thunderstorms: love them

Have you ever cried in public: um, yes

How long does it take you to shower: 5-10 minutes

Do you Swear: occasionally

Can you Sing: yes

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: right now I'm just trying to grow up

Ever been Drunk: yes

Play any sports: nope

Last movie you saw in the theater: Eclipse!!! so good!

Last movie you rented: hm...The Proposal?

Country you would most like to Visit: England again...then Israel

What is your worst fear: pain

Any regrets: tons


Love Stuff


Are you single: very much so

If so, do you have someone in mind: sure...Michael Cera?

If taken, by whom:

Personality traits you look for in the opposite sex: godliness, a spiritual leader, humility, a sense of humor, generosity, patience, a desire to be a father

First thing you notice physically about them: whether or not they are cute of course!

Would you prefer a good or bad boy or girl: good please

Have you kissed someone of the same sex: nope

Would you date someone outside your race: sure

Have you had your heart broken: never broken, no. i've had some pretty major disappointments, but I wouldn't go so far as to say heartbroken

Have you knowingly broken someone else’s heart: highly doubtful

Have you ever been in love: once, in a childish way. I've never been in love as an adult though.

everything's up-to-date in Kansas City

I'm in Bethany, Missouri right now. What the h am I even doing here, you might ask? I am going to my friends' wedding. Tomorrow afternoon at 5pm, Carolyn Skeens and John Lehn will become husband and wife!!!!! And I am super excited to celebrate with them!!!

I'm just sitting in the hotel room right now, on a bit of a sugar/excitement high. I finally have some time off work, praise the LORD for that!! And I am with one of my very best friends, Stephanie Anne Burrows!!!! We had the best time ever in the car. We had some great conversation, some excellent singing, and just overall a wonderful time.

Work is going well, I suppose. It's very tiring, working full time. But I'm not going to complain. This is the path I've chosen and I'm going to do what I have to do. I need money so that I can move out, and I will do what it takes to get money, short of stealing it, I suppose. I am, however, beginning to question the idea of working for Southwest. I would never be able to go to church, and right now, I think the youth group is more important than a job. There may very well come a time when I can step back from the youth group, and that time may be soon or it may be years from now. But for the present, I'm prioritizing the youth group and the music team at church over my choice of job.

I really must update this blog more often. I actually do have things to say, despite what this blog might show! But I am so very tired right now. Ten hours in the car has a rather mind-numbing effect, I must say.

how much longer?

Reasons why work sucked today

1. I had to work 12 hours. 11am-10:45pm. I was on my feet for all but 30 minutes of that.

2. It was really really really freaking busy today for lunch, between 12-2pm, and between 5-10.

3. It's really really really stinkin hot and humid.

4. Some lady yelled at Sarah-Hope and made her cry. That made me so mad I wanted to punch a baby. Don't you DARE come in and make my friend cry!!!!!!!!

5. Some lady yelled at me and made me want to cry. Don't you DARE come in and talk to me like I'm stupid!!!!! Your request was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, and made no sense whatsoever, and you were stupid for asking what you asked!!!!!!!

6. At 9:45pm, 15 minutes before we close, a group of about 25 cheerleaders comes in. This is on top of the already 10-15 people who were still in line in the restaurant, not to mention the long line of cars in the drive thru. At least they didn't all order shakes this time.........

7. At 10:30, I found myself suddenly defending my Christian faith to not one, not two, but THREE of my male co-workers. All alone. Completely out of nowhere. And they all challenged me and said that they didn't believe the Bible and didn't understand why I did. And not in a way like they were interested, but in a way like they thought I was dumb for believing the Bible. It makes my heart ache so much, because I care about these guys so much....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is a new world

The academic year is over. The struggles, the secrets, the lies, the fear, the hiding, the dread, the remorse, the shame...over. Finally. I can't even begin to describe the lightness of heart I have right now!!!

Currently I am attempting to become all about healthy. Mental health, physical health, spiritual health, emotional health. Excercise, diet, small groups, accountability, ministry. I'm the new intern for my church's youth group, and I can so far say that I LOVE it. I absolutely love working with the youth, and I can't wait to get to know these kids better and attempt to excite a passion for Christ in them. (Because right now, there isn't much passion there...) I'm also still doing music team.

Work is going to be crazy for the next month or so. The new spicy chicken sandwich is about to hit the menu, and prices are about to go up -AGAIN - so I'm NOT looking forward to it. And Ricky leaves this week, which SUCKS......

And I'm also planning a recital for my flute student and several others. I'm attempting to learn a few pieces from Handel's Messiah, as well as a couple of other things.

I want to write some more. I want to write this dang novel that I KNOW is buried somewhere in my head.

I want to make new friends. I want to strengthen my relationships with my current ones.

I'd like to go on my first date already as well.......

all my heart, soul, mind, body and strength

I can't believe how awfully I have let myself go. I am ensconced in sin. Trapped. Completely immersed. I am weeping in shame and guilt and remorse and sorrow - tears are dripping from my face, soaking the front of my shirt. I am laid out before God and before my parents, nothing hidden anymore, no more secrets, no more pretending things are okay when they're not. Things have probably never been less okay for me.

I have been lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and stupid this semester. Or actually this year. I'd rather not go into more detail, so suffice it to say that I'm failing a number of classes and am taking at least a year off school after this semester is done. I have let my sin nature get the best of me for far too long. I have sinned so much. This isn't an "issue" I'm having anymore. This is a sin. A sin that has a strong grip on me.

But my Savior's grip is stronger. And I don't know how, I don't know when, but somehow and sometime SOON He will pull me back. Or, I will pull myself back using His strength. He has done all He should; now it's my turn to do what I should.

So much guilt. So much shame. So much remorse. So much hurt.

God deserves so much glory. So much joy. So much praise. I don't know how to reconcile these two issues.

God be merciful to me; on Thy grace I rest my plea.
Plentious in compassion Thou, blot out my transgressions now
Wash me, make me pure within; cleanse, o cleanse me from my sin!

start your day off on the right spoon

Sigh. I hate this. I hate who I've become. I hate the sin and the irrational fear that has taken hold of me. That controls me. That makes me throw up (literally!). I can't break away, and I can't fix it. At least that's what it feels like most of the time. I hate how afraid I am to go to school. I hate how I can't seem to practice enough or be prepared for class. I hate it.

I've actually signed myself up for counseling at school. Counseling. And my parents are totally on my side, too, which is seriously the most amazing thing. Not amazing like I'm surprised, but amazing like wonderful. And I now have every option open for the rest of my college career. I think I'll be taking some time off school next semester, or I might go part-time, or I might go part-time at Brookhaven or Richland. I need some serious help. My mental, emotional and spiritual health are so bad (fortunately my physical health is perfectly all right!). And I can't bring myself to do the things that I know will fix them. I'm stuck in pain and confusion and fear right now. All I can do is distract myself - I haven't been able to really fix anything yet.

And the cherry on top of all this is Kitty. Kitty is dying. Very, very soon. Probably within the next week. My best friend and her sister are losing their mother. Ron is losing his wife. My parents and our church body are losing a very dear friend. I'm losing a second mom. Students are losing a wonderful, loving teacher. However, Heaven is gaining a soul. And Kitty will soon be in no more pain. She will be with God, happy at last. She will be with God in Heaven! It is the most wonderful thing to think how blessed she will be in so few days. No more pain, no more hospital bills, no more tubes and IVs and anguish. Kitty will be with God!!! She will be rejoicing with God for eternity!!! I can't even get my mind wrapped around this at all. And I'm a little worried...I haven't let myself cry hardly at all for this. I'm going to cause a scene if I don't let myself soon. Not that I haven't already caused several scenes, most notably at work...sigh.

And I think I'm back on music team at church again!!! I must say, I missed it!!! I love sitting with John and David and exchanging snippy remarks with them. And this week I have almost no flute music (just lead vocal/piano sheets), so I am just improvising half my playing! It is good stuff. I missed music team. I did NOT miss certain attitudes regarding it...but we'll pray that those go away by Sunday! UGH and speaking of Sunday it's Daylight Savings time!!!!!!!! WE LOSE AN HOUR OF SLEEP!!!!!! So we have to be at church at 8am, which is really 7am...most unfortunate.

Spring break is right around the corner. A wonderful distraction. A road trip to JBU with Rachel and John. Hours at work. Time to rest? Perhaps...

oops I did it again

Lately I have had writer's block in a big way. So this will be a short entry.

It never helps that just about the only time I ever sit down to try to write is after midnight. I am very tired and think about nothing more than going to sleep. Perhaps I should try to write in the morning, or early evening. I have been trying to write a particular story for over a year now. I have the main character and a few basic plot elements in line, but actually fleshing out the story is not working. I wrote about 20 pages, but I don't like it anymore and think it's boring. I want to completely rewrite it, but I can't get started at all. I don't know how the story opens. I don't know whether it's in first person (which it was originally) or third. I don't really even know very much about my main character. At first she played the piano, then she was a student, then she had the most beautiful voice in the world, then this, then that. Her best friend was a mermaid, then it was just another girl who really wasn't a very important character. Will I go with good fairies and bad fairies (yes, it's a fairytale of sorts), arrogant princes or kind ones, tragic elements or no, stuck-up family or loving family or NO family, WHAT? I can't make up my mind at all. It's most upsetting, because I really do have a good premise/plot outline. And nothing will come out of my mind onto paper.

Sigh. Totally new train of thought...it sucks to live in a fallen, broken world. It really brings you down with it sometimes.

And new train of thought...I am so very, very, very, VERY thankful for good friends and wonderful sets of second parents (and actual parents of course!) Right now I'm especially thankful for Briley, Amy, Ian and Gary and Frances. I love you all very very much and am so thankful for you!!!!!!!

first day of school

Today was my first day of school. My schedule this semester is FANTASTIC!!!! Monday and Tuesday, I don't have to be at school until 2:30, I have to be there at one on Wednesday, and Thursday is my only morning class!!! It works out sooooooo well. I just hope I don't flake out again this semester. I'm very worried about that. However, I think the key for me is to talk to people.

Last semester, I didn't tell ANYONE I was having problems of any kind until the end of October, when it was really too late to do anything about anything. I never talked to anyone about school - I'd just nod and say it was fine. And I hardly talked to anyone about anything anyway! I hardly ever saw people. I was so alone last semester. This semester it will be different! I will make an effort to see people and talk to people. I WILL e-mail and text my friends who are out of state, and really talk to them and let them back in. I was so isolated last semester! It was so awful! That CANNOT happen EVER again!!!!!

And my spiritual health must be attended to this semester. Lord, give me the strength to do what I must in that regard. Jesus, fill my mouth again with Your Holy Spirit's breathing, that Your sovereign Word would resonate just like the trumpet's call!

I am really trying to have Proverbs 31 in my mind this semester....all about the wife of noble character. "She is clothed with strength and dignity - she can laugh at the days to come." I want to be able to laugh at the days to come, and be ready for them! I will not flake out this semester!!!!!

comparisons

I received Taylor Swift's first CD (very aptly titled "Taylor Swift") for Christmas. When I unwrapped it, I was very happy because I really like Taylor Swift and her songs. Or so I thought.

Let me first start off with a disclaimer. I very much still like Taylor Swift. I think she is very cute and very sweet, and I do still love a select few of her songs. And I know, I know, this is just a CD, it's not...something more meaningful than a CD?

But when I put her CD into the CD player in my car and started really listening to it, I heard something I wasn't expecting. I heard country bubblegum pop, sugary-sweet music that if you ate it, you would get a cavity immediately. I heard Taylor Swift complaining, longing after things that won't make her happy. In fact, one of her songs is titled "I'm Only Me When I'm With You," which I think is awful! Why can she not be herself when she isn't with this guy? That is very problematic, and not a good thing at all. Taylor Swift spends her whole CD lashing out at guys who broke up with her, and longing after guys who for whatever reason can't see that she is absolutely perfect for them and could make them so very happy and fulfilled!

Examples of lyrics from the CD, "Taylor Swift":

"So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time / as far as I'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn!"

"He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right / I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night"

"Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale, / I'm gonna find someone who might someday treat me well"

Her songs basically all sound the same, and I feel angry and discontent when I listen to them. Which is sad. I wanted to enjoy Taylor Swift's music. I like her voice a lot. But when I compare her CD to, say, Sharon Tedford's.......

Sharon Tedford's CD, "Speak," is one of the best CDs I've ever listened to. Her music is amazing. She wrote, co-wrote, and/or co-arranged every song on there. Her first track is called "There's a Pageant of Triumph and Glory," and it is a song of praise. It praises the triumph and victory of Christ over death, sin and Satan. She goes on to sing "Blessed Assurance," "Amazing Grace," "We Stand and Lift Up Our Hands," and "Great Is Thy Faithfulness," and she somehow makes every single word come straight from her heart. She didn't write the words to those songs, but she proclaims them with every fiber of her being.

And the songs she wrote..."Fix Your Eyes on Jesus," "Freedom," "Speak," "Where Are You, God?", and "What Right Have I?", speak of her incredible love for her Savior, and her realization that there is a world who is desperate to hear the gospel, and she and we must all take it to them. Her songs speak of everything but herself. They speak of humility, of Christ, of mercy, grace, love, suffering, missions, and the importance of putting Christ first.

Examples of lyrics from Sharon Tedford's CD, "Speak,":

"Your truth brings freedom from the shame of sin, freedom from the hurt within, / captivate us, Jesus, and bring us freedom!"

"Gladly with obedience, I will answer You with all I am, / Savior now with readiness, I'll respond by living in Your plan"

"Neighborhoods made up of worlds behind doors, / comparison cripples the young, / differences seem to be something to hide, / there is no warmth anymore. Where are You, God, of the heavens above? / Why do You hide from our pain? / With questions and weeping, I call on You now, / in anguish I beg to be heard. / Your presence is all that I need."

"How I love to hear You speak and feel the comfort of Your blessing, / spending time with God my Savior with His family in His house, / but today I'll choose to remember beyond these walls of worship and over, / there's a world of desperation starving, / dying to be free!"

Every single track of Sharon Tedford's CD has her own personal touch all over it. Every song is carefully crafted as an act of worship to her Savior.

Every track of Taylor Swift's CD sounds the same, speaks of discontent and disappointment, and has a mass-produced, Pottery Barn-esque feel to it.

Which one do you think is currently in my CD player?